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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that she didn't even cancel?

26 replies

sootheandcool · 04/06/2018 11:36

On Friday I messaged a friend saying we should meet up, she said she'd love to and suggested Monday (today) lunchtime. I said that sounded good, but I haven't heard anything since. This isn't the first time that we've started making plans and then she's gone silent and I've had to message her to ask for more details and she's replied at the last minute to arrange it. But it's never been as late as this. She suffers from mental health issues so I understand that she might not be feeling up to either chatting loads or seeing me, but she's been active online since Friday but hasn't opened my messages.

Aibu to feel a bit annoyed that she has just left me in the lurch? I get that she's struggling but it feels a bit rude. Should I say anything to her or just wait until she eventually does reply? (After lunchtime, I'm sure)

OP posts:

pippistrelle · 04/06/2018 11:54

I'd be a bit irritated if it actually prevented me from doing something else. Has it? But also, I probably wouldn't have let an unconfirmed arrangement like that have stopped me from making other plans in the meantime, if something came up.

Original poster

sootheandcool · 04/06/2018 12:14

Well yes, I did change what I had planned to do today to accommodate her, which is annoying, but not unbearably so because I can do what I'd planned another day.

I don't want to be a doormat whenever she inevitably does reply and apologises - I don't just want to agree to whatever alternative arrangements she suggests without acknowledgment of the fact that it's not a great way to treat me.

OP posts:

CloudCaptain · 04/06/2018 12:16

Regardless of mental health issues, it's damn rude and you know where you are on her list of priorities. I would treat any plans with her as not confirmed.

pippistrelle · 04/06/2018 12:21

I think it's okay to tell her that you're annoyed. But, depending on the nature of her illness, you might see it as being a 'reasonable adjustment'. On the other hand, she might just be very inconsiderate. It's hard to say without knowing her circumstances.

FinnJuhl · 04/06/2018 12:23

Are you sure it wasn't your turn to message back?

I hate how it can take a zillion texts to organise a simple lunch. In my imaginary etiquette guide, as soon as she agreed to Monday lunch, you (as the original inviter) should have proposed exact time and place.

BlueJava · 04/06/2018 12:27

When she replies that Monday was convenient why didn't you just reply with and is that ok? Job done.

APermanentlyExhaustedPigeon · 04/06/2018 12:29

My sister suffers from anxiety and is similarly difficult to make plans with, and often lets me know at the last minute that she won’t be coming. Of course I still want to see her, so now I just say something like, would be great to see you for coffee/lunch/whatever. I’ll be in town on Monday from 11-2 if you feel up to it, let me know.
Then I get on with my shopping, post office or whatever. If she feels up to it, she lets me know she’s on her way and I head to the cafe, if not, it’s no big deal, I’ve still done my errands, and usually grab lunch/coffee to go if I need something. Maybe that approach would work?

StaplesCorner · 04/06/2018 12:31

I had a friend who had bipolar. She was spectacularly rude in making arrangements - she'd cancel at the last minute saying she was having an "episode" and then an hour later she'd be posting pictures on facebook of her in the pub with someone else.

Or she'd make an arrangement and then say oh I can't stay long as I have to meet my other friend in an hour. If I ever questioned her on it she'd say how mean I was not to accommodate her needs and that I was making her ill etc.

I don't think any MH issues can excuse this constant rudeness.

kaytee87 · 04/06/2018 12:31

In that conversation I would have replied 'Monday's great, shall we say 1pm? Where do you fancy?'

Maybe both of you aren't great communicators? Rather than anything deliberate.

Original poster

sootheandcool · 04/06/2018 12:34

If it were any other friend, I would have replied with a time and a place at that point. But she suggested Monday lunchtime "for now". Which I should have seen as a warning sign I suppose. She has said before that when she is really struggling it can be difficult to make plans, so I suppose I never want to push her on things too early because I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable.

Anyway, I have messaged her since then and she hasn't opened them, never mind replied, so I don't think it would have made much difference if I had suggested a time/place, because she wouldn't have replied anyway.

OP posts:

Babieseverywhere · 04/06/2018 12:36

Don't understand how this situation is a problem ?

Both of you are 50% responsible for not completing arrangments to meet for lunch. You are both capable of phoning or texting each other. If you want arrangements to be fixed earlier in the day...phone her and do it.

Jael003 · 04/06/2018 12:40

If you messaged her on fb it's possible that she hasn't received notifications, fb is notorious for not always notifying of messages etc.

Botanicbaby · 04/06/2018 12:43

YABU as you haven't communicated well with her either you have left things too flimsy when once she has agreed to your offer to meet up then you should have suggested a time.

Please don't drip feed stuff like she said "for now" when in your OP it hasn't any indication of this.

I don't know what the mental health issues are so it's difficult to comment but as you do, perhaps you could be more understanding of your friend. I don't think she's being rude at all. You need to have to be more direct with her in future if you're going to get annoyed at putting off doing something else.

TheGlaikitRambler · 04/06/2018 12:43

I have a friend like this, who also has MH ill health, but I'm afraid I have stopped organising meet-ups after she did this to me too many times.

sunlovinlover · 04/06/2018 12:46

I also have a friend like this - but then I would also see her enjoying herself on social media ect so eventually I stopped reaching out to her and decided if she wanted to meet up she would have to contact me.

Have not seen or heard from her in about 6 months! Must've been me :D

Blizzardagain · 04/06/2018 12:49

I think yabu. You're the one who suggested meeting up, she asked if Monday was good and you said yes. Along with your yes I'd be expecting you to suggest a place to meet and a definite time since it was your idea. She was probably waiting on you .

gandalf456 · 04/06/2018 12:49

I have a friend like this, too. I work odd shifts so have tinkered with them only for her to cancel. I don't get much free time. So now I'm non-committal and say, that sounds nice, and leave it there. I'll let her make the commitment instead

Tambien · 04/06/2018 12:50

I have a friend with MH issues.
I have developped these steps to be surevthat we ca;still meet up but it doesn’t frutrate ne if she cancels (which happens often)
1- I only agree to see her on a day when her cancelling doesn’t matter (so I didn’t change my plans for example)
2- I organise things clearly with her before hand
3- I Check with her a couple of hours before if she is still ok with meeting up
4- i have been know to remind her of our meet up half an hour before I am going to the cafe/pub just in case.

It works well for me.

What I wouldn’t do is to have some very open possibilities for a meet up. Too many chances of me turning up at x place for nothing.

Original poster

sootheandcool · 04/06/2018 12:57

I understood the "for now" to mean that we would meet up at Monday lunchtime, but that we would arrange the finer details closer to the time. We never talk on the phone, we use whatsapp.

As I said in my OP, other times when we've said that we'll meet up on such a day, she then goes silent and I don't hear anything else from her. I am normally then the one who messages her and says that we should arrange a time/place etc. As this has happened several times, I got a bit fed up and didn't make the effort to ask her yesterday. Consequently, I haven't heard anything from her about it, either to find out where we're meeting or to cancel. She has been known to only let me know the morning of the event, so that's why I left it as long as I did. I understand if she's not feeling up to it, I just think it would be common courtesy to let me know.

OP posts:

Original poster

sootheandcool · 04/06/2018 13:00

I am understanding of my friend. The very reason I didn't push her for details on Friday was because I didn't want to pressurise her. Because I know that it's not good for her mental health.

OP posts:

Babieseverywhere · 04/06/2018 13:07

Then yes, you are being unreasonable to be annoyed with a friend, who has trouble completing social arrangements, due to mental health problems.

Bibesia · 04/06/2018 13:19

If she contacts you about today, I'd suggest you say something like "Pity, I cancelled XYZ in order to meet up with you." She needs to think about the effects of her behaviour on others. And if you make another arrangement, give her a date, place and time. If she doesn't want to be tied down, leave it and assume it isn't going to happen unless and until she volunteers definite arrangements.

Fatted · 04/06/2018 13:23

If she does things like this, then like others have said, leave the door open but don't stop doing their own thing as well. So arrange to meet somewhere you would have been going to anyway.

melj1213 · 04/06/2018 13:33

I understood the "for now" to mean that we would meet up at Monday lunchtime, but that we would arrange the finer details closer to the time.

So why didn't you do this then?

I have anxiety and depression and even with medication i sometimes struggle with making plans. But in this scenario, if we've made tentative or vague plans my friends will always message me the day before/morning of the planned activity with a quick "We still on for tomorrow? I'm doing XYZ in town so how about ABC cafe on the High Street at 12? Let me know if that time/place works for you xxx"

Your friend didn't message you further about the plans but you didn't message her either so YABU to put all the blame on her for not confirming/cancelling.

Botanicbaby · 04/06/2018 15:37

That is good that you are understanding of your friend however I think there are some things you will need to be clearer on if you value the friendship. Those who have never experienced any mental health problems will likely find it difficult to understand your friend being unable to make arrangements. I would try not to ditch a friend in this position, frustrating as it must be to feel let down by them.

Hopefully they will overcome their health problems and will realise what a patient and fantastic friend you are. I get that you feel hurt by her not being in touch though.

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