... to ask about adopting a grandparent

[Pissedoffinsomniac]

DD (nearly 2) has been dealt a bit of a crappy hand with GPs- I’m NC with DM and DF visits very infrequently (they are together still so going to the house is not an option) and childhood was awful emotionally so it’s better this way.

MIL lives over 2 hours away and won’t drive up or take the train so we don’t see much of her unless we trek down.
DD is a gregsriius, sweet, loving little girl and I am desperate for her to have a positive older adult role model in her life and experience a more “normal” family set up.
We have a lot to give, we would love to get to know an older person for companionship, to go out for trips to garden centres, for them to come round to ours for Sunday lunch- just normal grandparent type stuff really.
The recent half term really hammered home how isolated we are- literally all our friends were doing things with their families and we were alone for most of the week. It breaks my heart that as DD gets older she will notice that her family isn’t “normal” and that her GPs are absent both physically and emotionally.
Are we the only ones? Surely there must be some schemes out there? We are in Greater Manchester.

*gregarious

Personally that seems a bit weird(sorry) but whatever floats your boat.

Why taco? We have no extended family and there are a lot of lonely older people out there who would like some company, it could work both ways?

Is there an elderly neighbour etc? My gran has a lovely relationship with her ndn's DCs

I don't think it's an unheard of concept. If you Google 'adopt a grandparent' there are loads of results.

It might be worth contacting your local Age Concern, Pissedoff.

Weird?
Not weird at all. I have looked at similiar schemes where I live but they don't seem to have many 'GP's' signed up. I think maybe it's better if it's something that happens naturally, neighbours etc? I know how you feel though. My DD has one GM and she lives on the other side of the world. We are also new to our area and don't know a soul. I feel very worried about all this tbh. It's a shit position to be in

I think it's a lovely idea - as long as you'd be prepared to help the adopted grandparent as they get older rather than just an accessory for DD. I keep watching ambulance on BBC and it's so sad how many elderly people are living alone and really struggling. I think your idea could be lovely for both parties! No idea how to go about getting it though!

This isn't weird at all and is a lovely idea. There was a discussion about this on MN not too long ago—perhaps you could link up with one of these people.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1938579-Adopt-a-Grandparent-Mums-who-need-one-alone-people?pg=1

X post with @FASH84 and not weird for exactly your update!

I think it is a great idea. I guess lots of people do this informally with their older neighbours. We do to a certain extent although they are not really old - just my parents generation so in their 60s and still working.

There is a charity called Conact the Elderly I think who organise befriending type things. Maybe give them a google?

I don’t think it’s weird. I think what you are looking for is community. And lots of other people are too.

This is silly suggestion, and have no idea of your religion but if you are willing to go to church for an hour a week, you will be instantly adopted by lovely old ladies.

Growing up, we got birthday/christmas presents, invited over for tea and cakes, with reciprocal help and advice over the years.

I don't go to church anymore but it still works this way for my siblings families, and I do miss that sense of community. Plus this was CofE so religion was barely mentioned...

Otherwise try volunteering for an hour a week at somewhere older people do (eg charity shop, national trust site) and you'll make some connections that way.

Could you do that Spare Chair Sunday thing and perhaps you'll meet someone who you click with?

What a fantastic idea which would benefit everyone! Lovely

It's a lovely idea and would be brilliant for both parties. My friend lost her mum and has befriended two old ladies since. Those relationships have given her immense pleasure.

mine have 4 gp they rarely see - nothing wrong with them, all sadly in poor health, have many other gc and we don't live close to them.

It is bang on, what you're looking for is community - I've been there, nothing made me feel so lonely as having children & comparing to other 'happy' families, my DP works weekends often too. I realized at one point when I got stuck in a bathroom with DD that if DH hadn't found us, nobody would've looked for us for weeks.

Consider getting more involved in the nursery - if you have a school nursery next year, they'll need parent helpers/people to do fundraising. Your local park may well have a gardening/litter pick up committee - lots of nice older people who love kids with time on their hands on those I've found!

Arrange some play-dates for DD, get involved in school fundraising or the class rep stuff if that appeals more - good way to get round to talk to lots of people.

Whatever floats your boat, but I'm struggling to get my head around someone missing trailing around a garden centre with an elderly relative. The thought of doing that makes me want to bang my head against the wall.

Have you considered that this might not be about you missing those boring family outings, but rather you're experiencing some renewed grief about the loss of your mum? I'm not sure a random stranger is going to be able to fill that hole for you.

i was going to mention church too - I don't go often but I took my baby dc one Easter and there were no other babies as they don't get many children - the people there couldn't have been more delighted. Same when we've been at Christmas - and the elder DC loves the biscuits!

Otoh, that's not much use as a tip if you are not keen on a bit of sentimental hymn singing.

It's not weird at all!! Would you be open to joining a church? You'd get a family feeling from the right church and probably several older role models to dote on dd.

Dog walking is another way to meet elderly people - the cinnamon trust put elderly people who want to keep a beloved pet in touch with anybody that wants to walk a dog. We met a lovely woman through that and we'd always go for tea and biscuits when we took the dog back.

Oh ok read the full thread Sally!!

My mum did this for us, but more a matter of fate, rather than something she set out to do!

We were NC with her awful parents (my biological grandparents) and had no active grandparents on the other side either. One day my mum randomly met a wonderful older lady in a coffee shop and they got chatting about holidays etc. The older lady was widowed with no children and a bit lonely I think.

Anyway they started meeting up regularly for a cup of tea and we soon adopted her into our family and enjoyed many wonderful years of shared Sunday lunches and days out and every Christmas together etc.

“Adopted” grandma actually lived much longer (10 years more) than my own mother did. She was a lovely lady and a great friend. I still miss her now and she’s been gone 6 years. I’m so grateful for that wonderful relationship.

There are befriending charities that help older people find company (I can’t remember the names), but where you can be matched with someone who perhaps needs some help with their shopping or just a weekly cuppa/chat. Also, I’ve previously volunteered at a day centre serving hot lunches to pensioners (really enjoyable and rewarding). Good luck OP!

Thanks for all the lovely replies and advice had a little cry as thought I was going to get a slating and you’ve all been really nice!

I’ve not been to church since I was a child but it’s not something I’m against... as cornish said it’s about being part of a community, and I would be delighted to help out with trips to the supermarket, doctors etc.
2cats you are right I probably am looking to fill the void left by the breakdown in relationship with DM- it’s difficult because NC is the best thing for us as a family but at the same time I feel that DD is being inadvertently punished and I really don’t want her to miss out on a positive older female role model (which DM isn’t). DM has been given numerous opportunities to get to know my DD and develop a bond with her but she has chosen not to take them, so I have enforced my boundaries and here we are.

for you

good luck, it's taken me a few years to build, but with all my various activities I walk around the town now and i'm likely to bump into one or two people i know when i'm out and about with my dc, it helps a lot to feel that although my dc will never have GP picking them up from school etc, they do have friendly adults in their lives that we know, and importantly, trust not to do hurtful or crazy things.

Look up Befriending with Age UK - I think it's a lovely idea