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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Marrying abroad - paying travel & bridesmaid dress

22 replies

Mum4Blake · 04/06/2018 10:27

So a close friend is getting married. She’s decided she wants to get married abroad, and has asked me to be a bridesmaid. So it’s gonna cost me to see her get married, but I’m okay with this.
Today however she’s asked me to pay for my own bridesmaids dress - it is just me, or is this creeping into CF territory?

OP posts:

KarmaStar · 04/06/2018 10:29

I don't know about creeping I'd say she's taken a flying leap

scurryfunge · 04/06/2018 10:29

If you have to pay for the dress, you get to choose style and colour. She may change her mind about payment if you go for a neon thing.

astoundedgoat · 04/06/2018 10:31

I would just say no. "I've looked at flights and accommodation and can't manage the dress and peripherals on top of that. Thank you so much for asking me, but it's not possible for me."

In the US it's usual to ask the BM's to pay for their dresses, which I think is outrageous, but in the UK and Ireland the bride should pay, although I suspect that if brides over here are using US sites for their research they might think that it's okay to ask the BM to pay?

PartyAnxiety · 04/06/2018 10:31

I would never ask anyone to pay for a dress they don't get to choose. Unless she's happy for you to wear a dress you already have she should be paying for it.

FASH84 · 04/06/2018 10:31

I got married abroad, we paid for everything barring travel, BM dresses, shoes, bought suits and shoes for groomsmen, even matching clutch bags etc, as we recognised people were doing a lot to travel to be with us.

Nodancingshoes · 04/06/2018 10:32

Yes it is cheeky. I would never ask someone to be my bridesmaid and then ask them to pay for the dress, even in this country!

Melliegrantfirstlady · 04/06/2018 10:33

Act swiftly. Tell her the cost of the travel etc is already high and send her what the poster above said.

It’s calked taking your eyes and coming back for the sockets!

MyKingdomForBrie · 04/06/2018 10:34

I wouldn’t have asked my BMs to pay for their dresses and my wedding was fairly local for most!

mrsnec · 04/06/2018 10:39

I got married abroad and our bridesmaids and groomsmen all paid for their own outfits but I was happy for them to wear whatever they wanted.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/06/2018 10:39

She’s having a chuckle. Agree with others that when you ask someone to be a BM, wherever the wedding is taking place, if you want them to wear a new dress rather than something they already own, you pay for it.

Don’t be caught out even if she pays for the dress as she might try and make you pay for shoes, accessories, professional hair do etc which can easily add up to more than the dress. Basically, anything she’s dictating, she funds.

Getting married abroad per se isn’t cheeky but she should be grateful if you agree to go and pay for yourself so she shouldn’t definitely cough up for the rest.

MsSquiz · 04/06/2018 10:51

As long as you are choosing your dress, I'd say that's ok...

But I have just been to a wedding where DH was one of 3 best men and they got married in Wales (from the north east) because they could hire a house cheaper there and do all their own food and drink.
Groom and 3 best men wore the suits from our wedding last year (they were all our ushers) and it cost DH and I £800 for return flights (rather than drive 16 hours round trip) plus £300 to stay there. And then asked us all to prep food and arrange flowers...

But it was fine for the bride and groom because they got to save so much money!

Boulshired · 04/06/2018 11:06

I once agreed to be bridesmaid abroad before checking the actual cost. The assumption I would be happy at their choice of accommodation, that I also assumed most of time there would be free time when the reality was a very expensive itinerary for the bridal party had been written. I didn’t have to buy the dress but it wasn’t the relaxing holiday with DP that I had used to justified cost of wedding. If the cost of the dress on top of is already going to be a struggle be prepared it might not be the only extra.

sociopathsunited · 04/06/2018 11:17

If you can't afford it, be honest with her about it as soon as you can. Nobody reasonable will be mad at you for not having the money. If she's happy for you to wear whatever you want, you might be able to find something in your budget, but if she in any way wants a say in what you wear, or where you buy it (and therefore, control of the cost) then she has to pay for it. It won't be something you ever wear again, will it? She could then sell the dress online if she wanted to, as it would belong to her.

Moonshine86 · 04/06/2018 11:28

I got married abroad in Florida . I have two years notice and my guests were happy to pay the travel. I paid for all 7 bridesmaid dresses and purchased theme park bundles for each guest worth £150 pp. I did so as a gesture for the whole party having saved up to attend our special day. I looked at it that the total of my wedding still cost less than a traditional church wedding / after party plan b back home. I think it is rude to assume others would be happy to pay for outfits.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 04/06/2018 11:29

Very rude to say you need to buy your own dress and travel costs, she should be funding all that as part of the wedding.

Gardai · 04/06/2018 11:34

I watch that “say yes to the dress” program (secretly) and it appears in the US it’s totally normal for bridesmaids to pay for their dresses, perhaps your friend is watching that program and thinks it’s ok.
I think you’ll have enough expenses without adding a dress, shoes, hair etc...it could spiral out of control so be prepared to spend if you accept I suppose or rein it in now.

MrsPreston11 · 04/06/2018 11:38

I got married abroad but covered a lot of things for our wedding party.

Outfits, hotel for night before wedding. (Most made a big holiday of it but still I wanted my BMs in a certain place close to the big day so I paid for a room we could all fit. And my DH paid for the hotel of his best man and his wife so they could be near DH the night before too)

Of course paid the hair and make up and their dinner/breakfast night before/morning of wedding etc. And I went to town with their gifts too as I really was very grateful.

MrsKoala · 04/06/2018 11:45

I haven't been married abroad but i think it's perfectly normal to expect you to pay your own flights and accommodation. As a guest travelling somewhere should be covered by you and if you can't afford it you decline. I don't think being a bridesmaid changes that.

However, i think asking a bridesmaid to pay for their own dress is taking the piss no matter where the wedding is. If it's a dress they aren't choosing to wear or want to have, then why should they pay?

At my wedding we paid for our bridesmaid dresses and let them choose what they wanted and keep them. The only stipulation was it had to be pink/purple/lilac - in any shade or style they wanted.

bonbonours · 05/06/2018 17:59

I personally hate weddings abroad which end up costing guests a fortune.

But as far as the dress is concerned I do think it depends. I had one adult bridesmaid and two kids. The little ones has dresses that matched mine. I had discussed our colour scheme with my bridesmaid and she was happy to choose herself and pay for a dress in that colour scheme. If she'd been unhappy with the colour we would have paid. Or if I was dictating what dress she should have I would also have paid.

Bethsmummy22 · 05/06/2018 18:16

I've been a bridesmaid 3 times and paid for my own dress on each occasion including shoes and accessories. The first time we also had to make a 120 mile round trip twice as the bride wanted them to be handmade by a friend of her MIL. As she had been my best friend for over 10 years I never thought this was cheeky or even considered saying no!

Pengggwn · 05/06/2018 18:29

You really should not be paying for your own outfit when you are a member of the wedding party. Shoes, maybe, so you have more choice. The rest, no.

Semster · 05/06/2018 19:18

When we got married abroad we subsidised the cost of accommodation pretty heavily for guests, and arranged cheaper flights than they could have found. I would have felt cheeky asking them to shell out the full price for flights and accommodation for a 3-6 day trip.

No way would I be expecting bridesmaids to fund dresses too - not that I had bridesmaids...

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