To be p***d off at DH gowing awy on a jolly Thurs to Sat????

[Budababe]

DH travels a bit on business. Not as much as some and a lot less than he used to pre-DS and I know he tries to minimise his time away.

Anyway.... this time of year generally pisses me off as there are the usual business trips/meetings /PLUS end of season nights out etc. So there is a partner's meeting from a Thurs to a Sat = ie. away Thurs and Frid night and then travelling back hungover on Sat. From my point of viet weekends are sacred unless totally necessary. Not sure why they can't go away Wed to Fri and then not eat into weekend. At least 50% of those involved have young DCs so I just do not understand why they cn't say to senior partner "actually for us Wed to Fri would suit better". But apparently I am a total bitch for suggesting such a thing and I may as well be asking that DH resign and push a dust-cart.

(Senior partner who organises way meeting is coming over the night after the trip - I WILL be having a word!)

I have said to DH that I think it is unnecessary and he pipes up that he refuses to go out with office every 2nd Fri to come home and see me and DS. Never told me. But it's my fault. Tried to get him to understand that he could show willing and got out with office once a month and I would be totally fine. But I am supposed to be grateful for his huge gesture that I know nothing about. Ended up telling him that with the state of our marriage I couldn't give a toss whether he was home or not but that DS missed him.

How come it is always my bloody fault???

So IABU then?

Oh well - am off to bed then.

Well, it sounds like he could be talking to you about these things a bit more.

Are these big meetings optional? How much notice does DH give you?

I don't think you are

if you're still awake

It is very difficult. My dh was working far too many hours a year or two back, inc travelling and staying away overnight until he became ill and had to have 3 months off work. He recovered and works much more sensible hours now. It was a wake up call really.

This is not quite the same as your problem, and I can understand how much you resent him just going off on a jolly, but what I am saying is that not only does it leave you in the lurch, but is also bad for HIS health: burning the candle at both ends, perhaps too much alcohol and rich food.

I do sympathise, but I think you are being unreasonable.

a) it is his job. If he is a partner then he isn't exactly on a 9-5 Mon-Fri. If he is away every weekend, then yes you need to reconsider your lifestyle, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

b) in this instance it is just a case of travelling on Saturday - it isn't going to take up the entire weekend. Having all partners out of the office for an extra day could be costly to the business.

c) if dh is a partner then he also has an interest in and a duty to the business. You view the weekends to be sacrosanct, but is that totally reasonable, and is it a view that your dh shares?

I don't think that this should be an issue on which you judge your dh's parenting. He will not be a better father just by spending every weekend with ds. By refering to the Friday night sessions out he is not looking for your approval - he is demonstrating that he is capable of making his own home/work balance decisions without your involvement. He is looking for your trust.

Your penultimate sentence is quite telling re the "state of our marriage". This meeting is a symptom, not a cause. Relate do a very good book called Babyshock, and another one called Staying Together. They're both an interesting read.

Practically you may also want to think about what it is that you need for those times when he is away - what is your local support network like re friends etc, do you have areliable babysitter. How old is ds?

Just make sure you arrange a few days away on your own or with a friend sometime soon.

Hit the nail on the head ladymuck! Marriage not great - long saga of no sex (his choice), his refusal to try for another child (DS is nearly 6 and is IVF) until last year when I was 42 - IVF attempt failed so lots of bitterness over that.

We live in Budapest and have lived in other places - haven't lived in UK since 1995. Feel I make ALL the compromises.

He goes away fairly regularly - is on a committee that involves regular trips of 3/4 nights away at a time. No problem there really. Goes away for client meetings etc. Is out in the evenings on business about twice a week. No problems there - part of his job. I usually get lots of notice - sometimes less but these things happen.

It is the "partner" thing that gets to me. They have a weekly partner lunch for whoever is around. A monthly all day partner meeting in a hotel with dinner afterwards - usually doesn't finish up till early hours. And the two nights away thing. Which wouldn't be such an issue if it didn't involve the Saturday. Oh - and it is the week after the firm's golf day which we are expected to attend as a family - another Saturday.

I suppose the reasons weekends are so important is the amount of nights away or out in the week that mean DS doesn't see him. And I know others travel much more than he does.

And as he points out he gets paid bloody well for it all and I don't complain about that!

I think a few nights away on my own is a great idea. Quite fancy a weekend in London!

Support network here is good. Have a regular babysitter and lots of friends. Him being out or away doesn't impact on any of that really.

If you were here in the UK then I would suggest going along to Relate (on your own quite possibly), but I would urge you to get the staying together book, as it covers a lot of the trianing that the Relate Counsellors get, and it may help you to recognise certain patterns of behaviour and understand why the arise.

"Work jollys" are often a problem as they are subject to being misinterpreted. Bear in mind that as it is likely that your dh is in a business where time is money, then these partner meetings would only be held if they prove to be valuable overall. There is a real value in colleagues spending time with each other is a different context. But if you are on the outside it can just look like another excuse.

Some time for you to look forward to sounds just right. I think that it may also be worthwhile spending some time thinking about whether you are happy with what you are doing in life, ie how you are spending your time.

Thanks ladymuck. I really don't have a problem with the partner meeting per se. Can totally understand the reasons behind it. What gets to me is that half of the attendees have young children and they moan about it eating into a weekend but no-one will say anything!

Will try and get hold of that book. Is it only available from Relate or through Amazon?