Interfering family

[SugarfreeMe]

My interfering family contacted my Ex who hasn't been in DS1's life since he was 1 (he got drunk & slept with the local bike when DS1 was 4 months old & despite me forgiving him he wouldn’t do counselling or put in the effort to fix things) He probably saw him 6 times when he was 2, he's now 15. They encouraged him to contact DS1 & then whilst DS1 was staying with my parents for few days to give us a break as he has Behavioural problems, told him his birth Dad wanted contact & tried to get him to have contact- I've since found out they have been getting together with my Ex!!!
There's a lot of history Ex is Eastern European, he threatened to kill my new Husband when he found out I'd remarried & snatch DS1! We had police involvement & have had to be super careful keeping our location secret.
DS1 was a total mess when he got home & has become more violent & disrespectful since making life hell!
My family also gave Ex his contact details & mine we aren’t sure if he has our address.

We've since spoken with my Ex after he kept calling me, and explained if he wants contact he should start by writing via our Church & if DS1 wants to read his letter & respond he can safely, then in the future if DS1 wants contact he can & will know more of why EX refused to see him, (he also refused to financially support him) despite threats we arranged through our solicitor that he could have contact via contact centres so DS1 was safe but Ex refused.
All this happened 13 weeks ago & despite being quite aggressive about contact with DS1 on the phone, he still hasn't written!

I'm so angry at my family & I have cut contact with them over this & how they treat my new hubby - they never liked him we’ve been married 13years, he’s quite shy & doesn’t drink & they have never liked DS2, who has been very unwell since he was tiny & has the same neuro immune disease as I do. We’ve put up with their behaviour to try & keep the peace - they have also always been really careful not to outwardly be nasty to hubby or DS2 infront of me & absolutely worship DS1!

My siblings haven't bothered with me since I got sick & couldn't run round after them, I’ve probably seen them both twice in the past 2 years, I've been mostly bedbound for almost 18months & mostly housebound for 8 years, hubby gave up his career to care for the children & I.

My extended family, my parents & my siblings who caused all this are blaming me, saying that cutting contact is over reacting how cruel i am & I've had emails from my aunt & uncle telling me that I'm awful & how much I'm hurting my parents!!

I don’t know how I ended up being the bad person here & not one person has thought of the effect this has had on me or my hubby or kids!

I’m really angry at my Ex too, I really feel like calling him & having a go at him, once again he’s abandoned DS1! It’s one of the reasons I insisted on letters so he could prove he actually wanted to be part of DS1’s life & was committed to him!
I think DS1 is better off with him not in his life right now anyway but hubby & I have been left as the bad people!

AIBU feeling so victimised?
Would you allow Ex contact?
How did We end up being the baddies here?!?

TIA

Wow your family sound awful! Why on earth did they contact him? How long has he been having contact?

I'm not totally sure why they decided to contact him, DS1 has been totally off the rails for about 6 months,he's had challenging behaviour since he was 2 & has always been hard work, but has become extremely aggressive/violent at home, he holds it together at school & usually around others.
In a good place he's highly intelligent, funny & great company & that's what other people see, what we see & it breaks my heart to say it, is a volatile, manipulative, compulsive liar & often violent young man, (he's attacked hubby too many times to mention, & has totally smashed up his bedroom door) he's shoved me as I was trying to video an outburst, he's threatened his brother & lashed out a few times (DS2 is 6 years younger) who has stolen all his brothers money from his money boxes, frequently steals from us & refuses to abide by any rules. We've had to call the police several times due to the violence & him running off. We are waiting for an emergency CAHMS appointment & he has counselling at school. We

We reached out to my parents for support, my family idolise him & we just usually get the he's a boy line, so we don't bother talking to them about him, but we were desperate & found he had gotten into arranged fights which then are live-streamed & we believe that he's getting paid for them, he's breaking into buildings to explore and do parkour & we are aware he's caused damage in disused buildings . He totally denies everything even when we have evidence & no sanction ever has an effect, he just continues.
We desperately needed support & my Mum encouraged DS1 to chat to his uncle who isn't a Dad, has little contact with teenagers & we rarely see, I'm guessing DS1 did the normal teen 'I hate my parents' & in particular Dad as I'm so unwell it's Dad who is the primary carer, my brother & sister don't like my hubby but adored my Ex so I presume they decided DS1 would be better off with birth Dad!!!!

We believe they made contact with him at the beginning of this year, but don't know definitely, we only found out they had been meeting up as my Mum came here wanting an apology from me, claiming innocence that she hadn't been involved & that I was totally out of order she claimed to be devastated when she found out my siblings had been in contact and what they were up to, she then let it slip that they had been getting together! She didn't tell me anything because she knew I'd be upset! Not a good reason in my book & surely if she knew how upset I'd be she shouldn't of been getting together with him!
She said she wanted to apologise to him for not supporting him enough - when he left me for a one night stand, I had a 4month old baby with severe reflux & colic! She loaned him money for a deposit on a bedsit & never paid it back, yet she apologised to him!
She's constantly put my new hubby down in front of the children, she won't abide by our rules & challenges us over them in front of the children! My family have never accepted my hubby, he's the most loving & caring man, he's totally gone out of his way to make them welcome when they visit, constantly offers to help. He took DS1 as his own & has been to hell & back with him, he gave up his career to care for DS2 & I, he's an amazing husband and father yet because he's not like them, he's shy & can be a bit socially awkward & comes from a working class background they took an instant dislike! Because DS2 is his they have always treated him differently too & at times been really nasty to him! Both hubby & DS2 have done everything & more to try & make them like them yet have been treated awfully & we put up with way too much to try & keep the peace.
(My Mum has no respect for my Dad either, she loves him but is vile about him, he has severe depression)

I'm stunned & furious that she treats my amazing hubby so badly yet she felt she had to apologise to my ex!

Sorry for rambling on!