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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel my friend is using me a bit? and want to do less with her?

24 replies

midgemoj · 03/06/2018 11:29

I have this friend I met at Uni about 5 years ago, we've remained friends but lately I find myself feeling frustrated. I'm about to marry and have a little girl with my fiance, while at Uni as a "mature student" (I was 24) I worked to support myself, my flat and my car. This friend has never held down a job in her life and still lives at home.
The thing that set me off was this friend asking me if she could bring someone to the wedding - shes not dating she just wants to bring some girl shes mates with. I didn't think much of it at the time but Ive slowly felt more and more irritated by it and feel its actually quite rude, especially as we're having a fairly low key wedding, enough people she knows there and a mix of couples and singles. It would be different if it was a significant other she wanted to bring.
She hasn't ever bothered learning to drive but also refuses to get a bus so while shes always asking when I'm free to meet up, it's always based on me driving to pick her up and then going somewhere with her, and where we go is usually somewhere she wants to go. I've always gone with the flow but now i feel like its taking the p*.
She's now trying to arrange some expensive group outing involving outdoor activities, I don't want to sound like an anti social bore but if I'm going to spend money on outdoor excursions I'd much rather do it with my soon to be hubby and daughter, to give her the experiences!!
I find that the things I liked about her 5 years ago aren't there anymore as I'm no longer a student and I find it difficult to find common ground with someone who expects the world to hand her things on a plate. What have others done with this sort of thing? Is there a way to change how she treats the friendship? or should I slowly cool it off??

OP posts:
Timeissliplingaway · 03/06/2018 11:35

Cut her out your life. She sounds selfish and childish. You shouldn't feel you have to be friends with someone for the rest of your life. Phase it out.

BlueLightPanda · 03/06/2018 11:43

how can you give a newborn outdoor experiences ? that’s sounds like a silly excuse.

Just tell her you don’t want to go.

Lacucuracha · 03/06/2018 11:47

You either need to be blunt with her or cut her out as otherwise your resentment will just grow.

'I can't pick you up. We can meet in town but you'll have to make your own way there and back home.'

'I don't fancy doing that. As we went to see that film you liked last time, I'd like to go to this event. We can see a movie next time.'

'Unfortunately there is no space/budget for you to bring a +1 but there will be lots of people you know. I understand if you don't want to come, but please let me know by x date.'

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 03/06/2018 11:50

These things creep up on you until eventually there's a lightbulb moment where you realise how far things have gone.

Friends grow apart even without this sort of behaviour as their lives change. Absolutely nothing wrong with either cooling things or letting it go altogether.

bonnyshide · 03/06/2018 11:51

You have friends for a 'season' a 'reason' or a 'lifetime'

She was a seasonal friend and it's time to phase her out.

yellowsnail · 03/06/2018 11:52

Just sounds like you don't like her much to be honest.

MissVanjie · 03/06/2018 11:52

I think the friendship has run its course. Yanbu for this, it happens. It sounds like you are so irked with her generally for legit reasons (the thing with the wedding, expecting lifts everywhere) that this is trabslating into you being irked at everything she does or says - suggesting an outdoor activity together is not in and of itself unreasonable, it’s normal and healthy to spend time and money doing things and having experiences with friends as well as partner/family. So pull back and distance yourself before you blow up at her over something and nothing is my advice.

WhiteFreesias · 03/06/2018 11:56

You clearly don't want to be friends anymore. If you liked here better, this would bother you less.

I can understand wanting a +1 at a wedding. Socialising with strangers sounds very dull.

Juells · 03/06/2018 11:57

Most of those things would annoy me too, but I wonder about the wedding guest thing. Are you sure it's just some random mate? It would be unfair to take the hump if it's actually a girlfriend, and she doesn't want to say?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/06/2018 12:05

Socialising with strangers sounds very dull.

Which is probably why OP pointed out there will be plenty of people at the wedding who the friend knows.

FASH84 · 03/06/2018 12:08

It sounds like most of what you had in common was being students, you don't have that any more and your lives are in different places, phase her out.

WhiteFreesias · 03/06/2018 12:10

I invited everyone to bring a +1. Seems a bit unfair to only allow people in a relationship to have company of people they are close to. If they are friends, it's ok to ask and ok to say no. If op wasn't so irritated, it wouldn't be such a big deal.

Cliveybaby · 03/06/2018 12:11

Sounds like the friendship has just run it's course to be honest.
At uni you can be friends with someone because they're pleasant to chat with and you have someone to sit next to, but you move on!

When she suggests an activity you don't like, say "you picked x last time, so now it's my turn, and I want to do y," followed by "oh sorry I can't pick you up this time, I'll ujst meet you there".

Nikephorus · 03/06/2018 12:11

What Lacucuracha says ^^. Take positive steps yourself to change the situation & then if that doesn't work you'll feel better about deciding whether to walk away.

Cliveybaby · 03/06/2018 12:12

Also the only people to be allowed a +1 to my wedding will be those who won't know anyone else. (currently 1 person falls into this category, and one other who's boyfriend we've only met once but are still inviting).

Cliveybaby · 03/06/2018 12:13

*oops whose not who's Blush

Cheesenacho123 · 03/06/2018 12:21

Definitely cut out! I had a friend who constantly borrowed money or I bought stuff for her and she always promised to give me the money but never did or would give me less than I asked. The straw that broke the camels back was I bought tickets, had a change of circumstances, needed the money she kept saying oh I’ll give it to when X thing happens. Eventually three months went by and I said look I really need thing money for X thing (I’m trying to not be too revealing) can you please at least give me the money you owe me. She turned into a bitch, blocked me through social media and bank transferred the money through her parents saying it was my fault not hers. As far as I’m aware I didn’t realise X thing would happen when we bought the tickets which resulted me in having to give them up, she was able to still use her own ticket to the event, but seen as I’d paid for it I wanted that money back at least as I lost my own money on my ticket because I couldn’t find anyone to sell it on to. I would have minded too much if they were cheap but they weren’t.
Safe to say she is firmly out my life

midgemoj · 03/06/2018 12:21

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I realise I’m partly to blame for allowing the pattern of me driving her etc to develop.

bluelightpanda daughter is nearly three and loves going on outdoor trips.

MissVanjie of course, but I mean she’s got plans for me her and a friend of hers I sort of know to do three expensive activities in one day plus a meal, I don’t drink so she will be expecting me to drive so her and the other can drink with food. Not a cheap day out and I would rather spend that money doing that with my family. Bearing in mind fiancé and I have mortgage, bills and all the rest of it, it’s hard to justify.

Juells 100% it’s not a girlfriend.

OP posts:
boilerhouse2007 · 03/06/2018 12:22

OP had a mate exactly like this at uni. I had a car and was living alone at 24 as a ms like you, she was living with family and was round 19. Always took the piss-asking for lifts, coming to my house and just take take take. I became resentful.Eventually, I just made excuses not to go be her taxi service.

boilerhouse2007 · 03/06/2018 12:24

''I can understand wanting a +1 at a wedding. Socialising with strangers sounds very dull.''

and the op clearly said she'd know ppl there...

midgemoj · 03/06/2018 12:26

WhiteFreesias this friend will know most of the people at our wedding. We haven’t extended +1’s to singles because it’s a small intimate wedding and any couples coming, we are friends with both parties and mostly, everyone knows everyone!

OP posts:
boilerhouse2007 · 03/06/2018 12:28

''I invited everyone to bring a +1. Seems a bit unfair to only allow people in a relationship to have company of people they are close to.''

Yea well everybody might not have the budget you have Victoria Beckham and no because that leaves a pile of strangers at your wedding.

''If they are friends, it's ok to ask and ok to say no. If op wasn't so irritated, it wouldn't be such a big deal.''

Actually no, if she was going to a wedding full of strangers then i would say that's ok but if she knows ppl there then that should be enough.

WhiteFreesias · 03/06/2018 14:52

Still think it's ok for a close friend to ask to bring a guest and ok to say no.

In my case oh has a friend that doesn't really have long term relationships. He's knows all of the couples but he appreciates being able to ask a guest. All friends have done the same. I hadn't met the partners of some of my work friends. I still asked them even though I didn't have the Beckham's budget.

This isn't any really about a wedding, it's about the OP not really getting along with her friend or outgrowing a friendship. Both of which are fine.

eggsandchips · 03/06/2018 15:25

Bin. Dont give it another thought, life is too short for pandering to users.

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