Aibu regarding three year old playing

[Lime123]

Me and dh are having a disagreement about our three year olds playing habits. We have recently had twins so I admit it’s hard giving him enough attention.

Husband sits and plays cars, trains and figures (spiderman) etc almost all the time. Probably because it’s easier.

I’m getting pissed off because I’m looking after twins alone more and don’t get much time with my son one on one. My dh is not very good at encouraging independent play and now son has got in a terrible habit and is just sitting waiting for dh to finish feeding so he can come play.

This started a bit of a debate. How much should I be playing with him? How much should be independent?

I do play with son but for shorter bursts before something needs doing with babies or washing etc. I enjoy card games, pop up pirate and puzzles together. I encourage independent play and set up things for our son (puzzles, sandpit etc) but I wouldn’t have the patience or time to sit and play fireman Sam figures for an hour like my husband thinks we should be doing.

What is right here? What should We be doing? He will be 4 in September.

My husband thinks it’s a “boy thing” and I would be the same if it was dolls and if I had girls

Your DH sounds lovely - will he come and play with my DS too please? My DH couldn’t give a shit about playing with our DC

I think the mixture is good. Some independent play. Some structured play with your husband. You obviously can’t devote the same amount of time to one child now you have three.

I guess it’s just a balance but I’m finding it hard to get that right now especially with TWO new additions!

Different strokes for different folk basically. He benefits from different styles of play so what both of you do is fine

I suspect the issue is that he does that rather than deal with the baby twins which is a separate issue

It sounds like you have a good balance. He appears to be getting a fair bit of attention from you both and I think you are right to do what you enjoy doing most with him. Learning to play independently is important too. I don't see how you could sit and play figures for an hour with him anyway unless your dh cares for the twins and gets the housework/meals done whilst you're playing.

I suspect various family members think I'm quite mean but I encourage my DD to play independently as much as possible.

I'm not completely disinterested obviously but I don't think it does children any favours to have constant adult entertainment and involvement in their activities. In my view playing independently is where the early foundations of independent thinking and problem solving skills start developing. I might be completely wrong, but my DD seems happy so I will stick with it. The only times I need to direct play a bit more is on wet days when we are stuck inside and so perhaps I have to get pens and paper out or play hide and seek or something.

What does your DP remember from his childhood? Both me and DP remember having a great deal of freedom to play and explore (both grew up in very rural environments) and as we both come from largish families we didn't have parents who had time to 'play' individually with us. We both remember very happy childhoods regardless of this.

I was in your position last year with twins babies and a 3 yo. When it was just them and me at home it was impossible to play with DD1 all the time so I set up things like painting or play dough in the kitchen and sand/water tray in the garden and let her choose what to do while I was busy feeding etc. I would then do puzzles, games etc while the twins slept. They had one nap in the pram every day while dd1 walked alongside and chatted to me like, played with bubbles in the park, went on swings etc. So yes a mixture of independent play and playing with you.
It's hard though so don't feel bad about the days when CBeebies is on for several hours!

I think you are both right. However I do think it's crucial that children learn to play independently. It's good for the imagination especially.

I do think you should ask your DH to help you with the twins more so you can have some more time with your older DS.

I should have said I'm a "help them set up and let them get on with it parent" and I didn't have twins. Ds3 is the one that got the most attention as the first two were close together and then a big gap. He is the most demanding attention seeking of them now.

Independent play is really important - it helps them to develop their imagination.

My DS is the same though, he always wants DH to play with him, fortunately he loves to play with DS but then I get stuck with chores whilst they play. 🙈

I think at this stage dh needs to be encouraging shorter bursts. I'm sure there's loads you need help with.

I used to do 20 mins play, 20 mins chores, 20 mins 'table play' - painting/stickers etc if I wasn't out. Extended from 3x5 to encourage independent play.

It is important to have 1 on 1 time as well though. Dd1 turned demon 4-8 weeks with dd2 so housework suffered and I played with her when dd2 was napping

I think you have different and complimentary parenting styles. You both sound like great parents to me!

I used to play with my DS when he was younger and I think it helped him play independently. We would play a fireman Sam scenario for example and he would then play it again and again on his own. I don't think at that age it's ideal to just expect them to look at their toys and come up with entertaining games. My kids did and still do love it when me or dh joins in. Doesn't need to be for huge amount of time but it definitely helps

Congratulations on those gorgeous little twins!!! How wonderful