To feel utterly defeated by PND?

[Teachtolive]

I feel l like nothing is ever going to get better, or that by the time it does there'll be nothing left of me so what's the point? I've been trying so hard to take care of myself, getting exercise, trying to eat right and go to bed early but it all feels so futile. I'm supposed to be doing a race later today, I've been really looking forward to it, training hard in spite of sleepless nights so I could have something to call my own. Of course the baby has barely slept and my older child has been up sick. Their dad is doing his best but he's only one man. All I wanted was a nights sleep so I could give this my best shot. I couldn't even have that. Everything is so hard. The baby is 7 months old and I just feel awful, like if I can't even get a nights sleep when I need it, why the hell would anything else go my way?

Oh, Teachtolive it sounds like you are really going through it. PND is the worst. Sleep deprivation is a torture technique and I always feel like there should be a stronger word than 'exhausted'. Big cup of virtual hot tea and some toast to you sweetheart. ☕️💕
What support do you have that you could reach out for today?

I found that I could only cope with things without anything extra on top if you see what I mean - a sick child or parent, a work crisis, bloody Christmas and everything came tumbling down.

PND is utterly utterly shit.

Thank you both for your responses. Ordinary Girl I actually have so much support, and I'm so grateful for all of it, I just feel like everyone is so far away iyswim? It's like, they understand and are sympathetic, I know this but if I'm feeling low I feel like I'm screaming into a vacuum.

MarthaStew yes, I know what you mean. And everything seems to land at once. It hits you like a truck. It's awful, and I feel like an awful person for getting irritated with the baby, whispering "go to sleep" at her in harsh tones, or feeling like i haven't got it in me to try and comfort her :(

have you seen anyone about your mental health? (GP/ health visitor)

It WILL pass. I promise. I think the first 18 months of a child’s life are awful. There is no let up. It’s such incredibly hard work you feel like there is nothing left in the tank. I’m going through it myself after having a completely unplanned baby so I’ve felt very resentful of having to do it all again when I really REALLY didn’t want to, (though we love her dearly.)

However, as I have older children who are no bother, lovely company and have given me many years of happiness after those first really really hard first years I hold on to that, knowing no matter how hard it is, it is not for long. The pay off is totally wort it.

The best advice I can offer is take it day by day, hour by hour.

FruitCorner123 I'm currently trying to carve out the time to see a counsellor. Funny thing is, on my happier days I feel like a total fraud, like there's nothing at all wrong. On the unhappy ones I'm panicking trying to get help!

Teasandtoast I know it's worth it, even with the baby, when she smiles I'm lit up by it. But you're so right, there's no let up. It's like dragging a rock around that just keeps getting heavier, only you can't let it go because for some reason you need that rock to live! (Or some better analogy from someone with more sanity than me!)

I can totally relate to that feeling of having a brilliant day, coping fine, peaceful baby then bam! A night of no sleep, screaming, all going wrong and it’s like a crushing weight all over again. It’s so bloody hard.

Teasandtoast that's it in a word isn't it? Crushing! The only relief is knowing it will end at some point

This too shall pass... hold on to that. You are doing brilliantly to reach out. Find that time to make an appointment - rally whatever offers of help you need to make that happen.
Mental Health situations fluctuate, and the professionals understand that. Jot down how it feels at its worst, so you can share that.
Grab sleep whenever you can. Sleep deprivation is horrible. And tell yourself you are not alone even when you feel like you are, and you are doing a great job even when you think you are not.

It will get better but sometimes you just can’t force it, it will just happen.

I remember being where you are now, doing all “the right things” & feeling like I was merely treading water.

At some point - no one can tell you when - you’ll look back & think, wow that was bad but I’ve come a long way.

Keep doing what you’re doing & be kind to yourself.

Something that helps me hugely when I'm feeling totally frazzled and overwhelmed is staying a night at my folks to catch up on sleep. Would an overnight stay elsewhere be an option for you, OP?

I had PND with DS1 for a year, following a traumatic birth and extreme, long-term sleep deprivation, and I only realised it 7 months in. I used to resist offers to have a night away because I felt I had to stay and be with him, and now I have DS1 plus 2 year old twins I don't even hesitate because I've just got to look after my own wellbeing & sanity.

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories with me. It's helpful to know that others are both in it and have come through it. It's terrible to not feel like myself, I'm not inclined to feel depressed generally. Hopefully I'll find the time for the counselling. gottastopeatingchocolate Thanks for the tip about writing it down. I'll definitely do that.

Teach are you taking medication? Perhaps you need a review?

My best friend suffered PND, her husband and I would sometimes discuss how she was and how to help her. We thought she didn't know, but she was happy her husband was able to confide in me as she felt guilty.

Don't feel guilty about the days you feel good, rejoice in them, but don't refuse the help. Take any hell available.

Could you ask a friend for help? I would have helped my friend, more the second time as my second baby was a sleeper.

Not much to say, hope better days are coming.

AuditAngel no I'm not on medication.it doesnt agree with me and leaves me feeling significantly worse. I'm lucky I do have a good support network and I don't refuse help. I think there are just times that it feels like even with all the support I'm in a hole where no one can reach me.

I struggled really badly with PND after my second daughter and didn’t have much support. I had a fantastic mentor from the Association of Postnatal Illness (APNI). She was brilliant as although my GP was good she really understood what I was talking about because she’d been there too. You can apply to have a mentor- it might help a bit in the people not being able to reach you aspect apni.org/request-a-volunteer/
You can also phone the helpline for one off advice and help. Good luck and it does get better take it one step at a time.