abusive drunk

[delilahxx206]

We have been together for more than 3 years now (not married, no kids, I'm 31, he's 41). I have seen pretty early that he likes drinking way too much than it is acceptable, there were clear signs in his behaviour patterns as well. I was madly in love and everyone drinks more in the city so it didn't bother me much in the loved up phase of the relationship.

last year was awful. he was going through hard time at work and was depressed (he told me he wanted to kill himself and was seeing therapist as well). started drinking almost daily and on weekends as early as 12 o'clock.. cider, wine (x2 bottles per night), gin, you name it... abuse would start pretty much every night during the weekend. waking me up when I'm asleep shouting abuse at me (mostly) and threatening to burn my cloths, throw me away (it's his house but I pay him contributions equal to monthly rates). October last year I found out he used prostitutes. Due to the condition he was in a and work pressure I was being very understanding. I was just getting on with it hoping things will change and didn't want to make him feel worse. I must mention all this time he blamed work for his drinking.

he is out of work now (finance is not an issue and won't be for next 4-5 months at least) and even the reason for his heavy drinking is gone he got absolutely smashed yesterday night and abused me again. (I'm at the point where I hear a can of cider being opened and it makes me shake out of rage) I found out he still went to massage parlour couple of weeks ago.

I paid for our nice holidays, changed my car to different one so he can drive it as well, paid for his insurance (recently passed driving test) just making sure he is relaxed and recovers from the hard year that he had. and he did exactly what he was doing last year! I feel he disrespected me and doesn't appreciate things I did for him and all this year of suffering and supporting him and trying to keep him sane.

It doesn't help my dad was absolute alcoholic all my childhood and teenage years.. my unspoken role in the house use to be to sit in the kitchen and talk to him to make sure he is calm and doesn't go looking for mum (which would cause arguments and screaming) till he finally would go to bed (he never was abusive to me nor my brother)

I just don't know what to do now. He's lovely person when not drunk but it has negative effect on me. I just don't want to deal with it anymore, don't want to be silent and trying to do my best to make sure he is ok and entertain him while he's drunk so all of a sudden he doesn't get abusive. however, I feel I should try something else before giving up on him. is there anything I can do try to change the situation? I feel I shouldn't give up unless I have done everything I could to improve the situation. please share your thoughts with me, I don't feel comfortable talking about this to anyone I know..

You’re so young, my love. I can’t stand to think of you wasting any more days there.
You can have that calm little life, only it’ be a much bigger, freer life than the one you have now.
Like a Pp said; do you have anyone who can accompany you to collect your vitals so you can leave ASAP?

As in, today?

@delilahxx206 once you are out of this relationship invest in some counselling for yourself to help you recognise what it was that meant that you would accept this horrendous behaviour and try and help him rather than walking the first time you found out he'd betrayed you or he treated you badly and screamed at you. You need better boundaries as some of the other posters on mumsnet would say and it's really difficult if you don't know where the 'normal' line should be drawn. A good counsellor can help you unpick some of the damage your childhood has done.

Wishing you a safe exit. You are brave and strong. Is there any way, you could slip something into his drink to make him sleep very deeply to give you the opportunity to pack stuff and get out? However, remember it is better to remain safe. Things are never that important.

You need to leave.

1. Contact a DV shelter or hotline, then call something totally innocuous. This way if he tries to press redial he won't know you called.

1. Hide cash when you can. It's harder to track than a credit card or bank card.

1. Get copies of all important documents and put them in your "go bag".

1. You might consider finding an Al-Anon meeting near you. This is for family members and friends of people with drinking problems.

Above all, be very careful not to get pregnant. The sad reality is that his abuse is likely to escalate if you become pregnant, and he may have rights to your child. In fact, if you can, I'd recommend not sleeping with him at all. He could give you an STI from the prostitutes he's been seeing. Birth control has also been known to fail.

@redastherose I was thinking within the same lines. Would I have to look for someone specialising in dependencies or just general therapist? I saw one in the beginning of the year. she applied person centred technique. I'm not sure it helped that much except from the fact that it was helpful to talk to someone and have a different view on things.

I liked the post about keeping important documents ready. I think I will bring them to the office and keep them there from now on.

I'm starting new job in 2weeks' time and have important qualification exams to get ready for. It's crucial for me to do well on both fronts for my future career. I just can't get my head around how to fit in the end of the relationship here as well. I need to do it in a way that the least stress is caused so that no damage is done to neither new job or exams and I keep emotional stability.

Have a read about person centred theory OP, I think it is very relevant to your situation. You are repeating a pattern that you learned with your father, that you need to be the person looking after someone else and helping them with their problem. But you cannot help someone who won’t help themselves. If you have tried talking to him when he’s sober and asking if he is prepared to help himself and he won’t then the only thing you can do is to put yourself first for once in your life and get out of there.

'I have a bag next to myself with very basic essentials so in case if needed I can just grab it and run to the car.'

That time is NOW

I can only echo what everyone else has said.
I understand, as the kid of an alcoholic, that we start to play out the script that was written for us in childhood, in our adult relationships. It's no good.
Please leave him as soon as you can. You are worth more than this.

Oh lovely, I'm so sorry you're living this nightmare.
It sounds like you are very capable of achieving your goals. Exams, career.
I would take comfort in the fact that I had reached out on here and felt the collective concern on here .
Living like this for so long must have been exhausting ( I did nearly ten years each with 2 separate men like this. It looks like a prison sentence written down , does'nt it? )
But I can now see that it is very much about things I thought about myself which were wrong. I am not the person that another thinks I am. the says I am. When yoy are safe, swap your attention to why it should be that you are living the life you are whilst he does whatever abusive shit he can do. And then punishes YOU for it. Double whammy. But I am very worried that this is escalating quickly. Think about leaving NOW but carefully, carefully.

But you reached out to your friend and on here. Go back to your friend and ask het for help. There is a particular thread on here which is about leaving safely. Has support. Listen to wise posters above and the quotes and comments from people above.
However I disagree with Waikiki. However tempting it is to slip something into his drink. don't. And that is from a person who could have sunk a machete into various skulls on occasion. Use that anger to fuel your departure. Turn your attention to you. Not him. Fuck him and his fucked up childhood. He does not get to fuck up your life because of it. You don't go around as a drunken abusive punter do you Op? God my stomach contracts thinking of the women in the sex industry who have to deal with him
As ir does for you. Focus on you now, please be careful.
Thank you to posters who commented above btw. There were a couple which resonated strongly with me.
Take care Delilah

Forgot to add that you should go to the police.v you are most definitely not the only woman he abuses

You can't help this man OP!
He is obviously an Alcoholic!
Get away from him as soon as you can.
But you know this already, right!

@HoofWankingSpangleCunt (impressive name btw:D) thanks for sharing your personal experience. 10yr is very long time. But it would seem you came out stronger out of all this.

He's stopped drinking today. Stayed all day in the bedroom, not eating, with the curtains closed, not talking to me. Not that I tried to talk to him either. I was working from home so there were plenty of opportunities for him to come and tell me something.

I think I have made a progress. After this weekend the idea of leaving him doesn't actually feel so painful. I don't want to leave the cat (his cat) and the garden that I worked hard to keep up (pretty much all last summer I moved the lawn myself because poor him was asleep hangover and suffering from insomnia so I always did my best to let him sleep as much as he possibly could). Regardless of how busy I am with other things I don't find the idea of leaving that scary. You know what, I can do it. It's just the matter of sorting out the logistics which is more complicated and making sure he's not around while I do it.. I would love to talk to him and not just run but unfortunately it's not an option. If he was drunk it's likely he would get physical if sober just shout and maybe even push me out of the house with nothing in my hands.

Run ASAP

Been in similar situation and the kind people on here helped me a lot

@delilahxx206 I had two counsellors, the first one didn't really help but I didn't really feel that confident about her helping much but I only saw her for a few weeks then went to see a hypno-psychotherapist (I genuinely was quite sceptical to start with tbh) but it was amazing. Basically brought out things that I'd buried deep inside my mind and helped me deal with them and put them to bed properly. I can't explain just how released I felt afterwards.

I do think a lot of it is down to the personality of the counsellor and whether you feel comfortable with them so if one doesn't work don't write off counselling completely.

I really hope you get sorted and get somewhere safely soon.

It's amazing how we can normalise even the most terrible situations.

You are in a dreadful situation and the only wise thing to do is to leave. Now. Everything else can wait.

You can miss the garden and the cat, but only if you get out alive. That probably sounds melodramatic but I bet you didn't think before your wedding that you'd be writing these posts, holed up in your office, in pieces wondering what holy hell is going to descend next.

Your post was the first I read this morning. I'm so glad you have decided that you need to leave this man.
I've been there, and I know it's hard, but you can do it. Many of us on this thread have been there and we are rooting for you.
P.S the relief you will feel when you do will be overwhelming, trust me!

Good luck op, you sound incredibly strong and brave. You can do this.