To be annoyed?

[scrumpledpaper]

DS's Dad really pisses me off sometimes. We were married for only a year before he turned into a dick and we split when I was 8 weeks pregnant. He's never been bothered by our son and only sees him cause I mention it and because he's 'entitled to' - his words. Child maintenance calculator says he should pay £270 a month he pays £200 cause that's all he says he can afford but he does help towards Nursery so we agreed.

The only contact he has is around 2 and a half - 3 hours a week when I am working cause I asked him to. When I arrive to pick up DS he can't get rid of him quick enough. He's never spent a night with DS, bathed him, woken up with/to him or had him (ever) for more than 4 hours at a time. Recently I asked if he could come and look after our son as I had plans for the first time in 6 months it literally included the duties of a teenage babysitter, being that he would have to come and listen out for DS whilst he was sleeping. He said no. I proposed another time to get a few errands done, again met with no.

He says he is always either working or out with his girlfriend - AIBU to be annoyed that he gets to have a life and I don't and that he should step up a bit?

No-one???

I’ve been there. Two babies, dad fucked off an has had an amazing career travelling the world. When he was home he was flaky as fuck. Not interested in seeing them unless to show off to his new girlfriend.

I learned that it was best for me to accept this is who he was, and to stop expecting anything from him. If I needed to go out I had to arrange a babysitter and pay for it. Even though he was sitting at home 10 minutes away and could easily do it if he wanted to. It’s not fair but whinging about it nit being fair wasn’t helping me. It wasn’t making it fair. Nothing would. So I just had to accept I was entirely alone in raising my DC and plan accordingly. It took me far too long to realise this. I lost so much money from lost work shifts because he did turn up. My life is so much less stressful since I stopped asking him for help he had no intention of giving.

YANBU, go through CMS and get an arrangements order

You can't force him unfortunately. My kids haven't seen their dad since December . Some men just don't want to be dads...

It's fair to be annoyed but you know this man well enough to not be surprised by it. I would lower your expectations, or you'll just be repeatedly disappointed, unfortunately

AIBU to be annoyed that he gets to have a life and I don't and that he should step up a bit?

And yes of course he should step up. But he clearly doesn’t want to and nothing can make him. No court can force him to do more parenting and certainly you being resentful about it won’t make it happen. It just means you’re resentful and he’s still having a great single life.

BTW it’s a year today since my DC last saw their father. He just hasn’t bothered.

It's annoying cause he plays the doting loving hands on Dad role to everyone around him and occasionally even tries it with me with all the 'I love DS he is my world I think about him all the time' shit.

I know this is the way he is, and I can't force him to do anything more. I've even said to him before if you don't want this life then just go you've either gotta be all in or not at all not just come and go when you please or be half arsed about it and he just spouts the crap as above. It's sooo frustrating makes me so angry

Been there.
I'm 16 and 18 years on.

At times it would twist my stomach at the lack of effort for contact. I'd get angry and upset and worked up...but it made little difference. I tried patience, understanding, encouragement, for years. It didn't matter what I did, made little difference.

To not let it get to me, I learned to compartmentalise him so that it didn't effect my life too much.

I received a message from him a few weeks ago, saying he was 147pound overdrawn. I replyed saying, sorry to hear that and your sons 16th birthday card still hasn't arrived. I said your son is doing his GCSE's. He replyed with👍good luck with his exams.

Absolute nob head!!

Save your energy. Focus it, where it can serve you best.

Personally, I think your son is better off not spending too much time with this deadbeat. I highly doubt your child would receive the care and attention he deserves and needs.

Op if you stopped asking him to have DS for you, just stopped contacting him altogether do you think it would spur him on to actually take the initiative himself?

@ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo I really don't know. I don't even know how I'd go about cutting contact. He literally makes no difference to DSs life at all, I'm not even sure he knows who he is most of the time

Well, just don't contact him. Wait for him to contact you and ask when he can see his son.

If he doesn't contact you, then contact is cut, by him.

@Motoko contact is just a reoccurring event same time same place every week he just turns up. He collects our son from my parents and has him for a couple of hours as I'm working

Well if he just turns up without you having to remind him then that’s something! And it’s benefiting you so you can work so I would leave that as it is. If it was a case of you always having to ask him to turn up it would be different. But he is coming under his own steam. I just wouldn’t bother asking him for any extra help as he clearly doesn’t want the extra contact.

@ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo it's true. How do I not let it bother me? I look at my DS and I am literally overwhelmed with pride and love and it makes me so angry that he obviously doesn't feel the same way towards him. I look at him sometimes and think how can you not wanna see that face all the time or have those little arms around your neck snuggling into you?! He made him too how can he not feel it? More important things in his life obviously 🙄🙄

I actually had some counselling to help me let go of the anger towards my ex. The counselling itself didn’t actually hit the target. The counsellor was lovely but not great at listening to what I was trying to say. But the fact that I had taken the step to get help made me realise that I was ready to let go of it and the fact I had spent a lot of money to do it made me realise it was having far too much of an impact on me all the while it was having zero impact on him. My anger had zero impact on him and was only affecting me. So I decide just to let it go. It hasn’t changed anything in terms of him and his contact with DC but I am at peace. I’m just getting on with raising my children and I have zero expectations from him so I can’t get let down again and again. It’s very nice TBH. Quite liberating to know that the buck stops with me. Everything is down to me. It shouldn’t be, but this is what we have so I’m just going to be okay with that.

OK, I misunderstood. I thought you were also having trouble getting him to have contact.

In that case, I agree with ZZZ, leave things as they are, but don't expect him to do any more. It's him who's missing out.

I agree you need to lower your expectations, not because you shouldn't have them, but because the disappointment is going to eat you up. You are doing a great job raising your son. Take pride in that. When your son is old enough to be able to choose who he spends time with, and sacks off his deadbeat Dad, your ex will realise you reap what you sow. He will be the one to miss out.

Thank you everyone sorry I am reading the replies - it's just heartbreaking for DS even tho he obviously currently has no idea what's going on! Hopefully as he gets older things will change - that or he'll be in a position to decide things for himself!