To think I have failed miserably as a parent?

[HulkSulkSmash]

So DS(16) has gone into London with friends for an event today. I am honestly worried about him going into London alone, he is completely on another planet.

For weeks he was saying the event was in a city 150 miles away this Sunday (friend arranged the tickets) and he couldn't give us an answer as to what he'd arranged with his mates as to how they were going to get there. We could have booked cheap train tickets ages ago. I was mightily pissed off as I didn't want to spend more than the event ticket on the travel (£50 on train). DH was trying to get the day off to drive him and friends there. Much stress over this.

Last week he suddenly pops up that its actually in London (lucky we didn't book train tickets!) which is fine as its only 45 mins away and we're near a tube station. Only his mates had decided to get the overground train as they all live near the train station and couldn't figure out it would be half the price and quicker to get the bus to the tube station. He cba to speak up and tell them either (we use the tube regularly for days out in London, his mates haven't been into London on their own before according to DS). I suppose its my money so he doesn't care .

Last night he told us it's today not Sunday. He didn't realise .

This morning he couldn't find his bank card so I had to get him to run to the ATM to get cash out from my account as I couldn't put any on his card as he didn't have it. He insisted he hadn't lost it but that DH or I must have put it somewhere when cleaning up . Didn't charge his phone fully so no doubt I will be worried later on when he can't contact me to tell me when he'll be back, a regular occurrence .

I am just flabbergasted he is so bloody gormless, glued to his phone, seems to have hearing issues from long term listening to loud music through headphones, argumentative and knows better than us on everything with our combined 95 years on this earth compared to his 16. On course for much lower grades in his GCSE's than he's capable of. Hasn't even bothered to find somewhere to do his work experience at the end of the month, which I've tried to help him on. Cba to fill out the forms for NCS so I had to do them and return them.

When he was younger I used to get compliments on what a helpful, clever kid he was, especially from his teachers, now they call me to complain that he hasn't done homework or gone to study club and are concerned about him, asking me if something is going on at home!

I have an older DC who is currently abroad supposedly for the summer moaning that's she's having to live on noodles and asking for money as she blew all the cash she should have saved to go out there with despite repeatedly being reminded she wouldn't have enough if she carried on partying. She sprung on us that she didn't have any left the day before she was due to fly! We had to give her money as I was looking forward to getting rid of her due to her horrendous temper(which I tried to get her to go to GP about - hormones), rudeness and laziness. She's been hospitalised over there due to a chest infection and dehydration due to drinking, smoking and partying no doubt. This was despite me reminding her to drink plenty (water!) and take some vitamins with her. I've had to post some out, £20 just for postage!. She failed all her GCSE's and only just scraped into Uni with lots of intervention from us as she was threatened with being kicked out of college after her first year. Looks like she's coming home early as I won't give her anymore money, back to lie in bed all day, stomp around and shout at everyone and trash the kitchen when she finally gets up.

Another DC with SN was chucked out of the school I fought so hard to get him into, and out of mainstream, due to behaviour and I've had him at home for 6 months driving me nuts, addicted to gaming, while trying to find him another one. The one I've found seems not keen to take him and I've been waiting over a month for a start date. He will pass no GCSE's and has no prospects as he's interested in nothing except gaming, probably will never leave home and I'll have to deal with his tantrums, shouting and swearing and mess until I die!

Littlest DC is addicted to Roblox and I can't get him off it without meltdowns. He also won't eat fruit and veg unless I practically force feed him and has continual poo issues. He won't do any sports and I practically had to drag him to the swimming pool yesterday. Doesn't want to do playdates just wants to sit at home on the computer.

I'm just sick of it. I should have had at least one easy one surely but they're all pretty mucked up. I tried my hardest to bring them up well. Manners, good hygiene (you'd never guess DS1 had been taught to shower/bathe/brush teeth daily from babyhood), respect for others (but they treat me like shit), great importance on education (taken to library weekly to get masses of books, read to nightly), taught them life skills which have been a waste of my time, gave them nice experiences/holidays.

I honestly feel totally incapable .

As an abused/neglected child myself, I made sure my DC never experienced anything like I did. I just don't get where I went wrong?

Sorry can't be more helpful but this sounds really hard! If it helps, despite being taught as a child right from wrong, in my teens I did often disregard that in favour of whatever was easier/more fun etc. A parent can only be held so responsible Imo and you cant make your children's decisions for them, they know to manage their money, study, wash, look after their things etc its not your fault that they choose not to. I would just be less generous money wise

You are not a failure as a parent.

All that you mention is pretty standard, teens are disorganised and selfish, I know it's exasperating, but to a certain degree they need to learn the hard way by making their own mistakes.

Perhaps a good option would have been to allow your DS a 'budget' for his trip and point out if he spent too much on travel, he'd have less for food etc.

My teens are good kids but they really do take me for granted. I feel I need to constantly point it out to them.

'I think you should offer to hoover the house today, considering I have given you so many lifts this holiday!'

'As I have just bought you new clothes I think you should thank me by doing the dishes and making me a cup of tea'

I'm not sure that's the right thing to do, but it seems to make them a bit more aware of what I do for them, and I usually get some help and a thank you (but it sucks that I have to ask for it tbh)

They can behave this way because they know they have you as a safety net, which means you are a good parent that they know that can depend on, with time and maturity you will see the appreciation, as long as you are a little bit tough if them from time to time and not a complete doormat.

You are doing a good job, you are not alone.

Honestly? You haven't gone wrong at all. They are just acting like teenagers/kids. They are immature. You might have had to mature young as a result of being abused and neglected, they are growing up more slowly.

Your 16 year old sounds exactly like a 16 year old to me. Gormless. Let him get his day out wrong. He will learn. You and his dad are there to rescue him if he gets into real trouble or danger, don't make it too easy for him by driving him or trying to sort out his travel cheaply or he'll never learn. For safety try make sure his phone is charged and he has a bit of cash.

And your DD, much the same. She will find her feet. Try to not do too much you do for her and to not give her too much. The more you do for her the less she will do for herself. She can stamp around the house but if you don't give her spending money or supplies beyond the absolute basics then she'll have to find herself a job.

I can only sympathise over your DS with SN. You could ask for support over on MN Special Needs, other parents who've been through it.

Unfortunately you're the Mum so you don't get to see the benefit from all the good things you've done for your children. But in the end you will have (at least) 3 independent adults and I'm sure your DC with SN will find his path too with your great support. Just try not to murder the lot of them before that happens.

Oh and your eldest ds sounds so much like my brother, so laid back he's horizontal and couldn't find his own arse with both hands. He's much better now in his twenties, has his own place, a wife and a career in the army so he did grow out of it somewhat. Although I think a lot of it is just his personality

If you are fucking it up so am i.big time
I'd say from talking other mums they selfish gormless behaviour is frustrating but teen typical

My eldest is 23 and she's buying house and got engaged at Xmas

Gives me hope the others will come out of the other side.

Are you the poster that continually bails out the dd that went overseas supposedly to work with no money and within a couple days was needing MORE money?

Iirc you were given loads of advice on that thread about not being so soft and giving dd some consequences. Which you didn't follow.

Your ds is 16 does he not have a part time job for money for jollies like this? How much is all this costing you?

Again if you're the poster I think you can ill afford such haphazard attitudes to money from your older DC.

At 16 my dd wouldn't have been getting money off me to go ANYWHERE unless I knew EXACTLY what was happening and if I found she'd LIED about any of it she's not be going.

I kinda get WHY you're being soft given your own upbringing, I had a shit childhood myself and we don't want that for our kids BUT giving them everything they want without question isn't doing them any favours either.

Kids need boundaries, limits or their behaviour does become self destructive.

Oh right - yes it should be his money your 16yo DS is wasting not yours, whether that is money he earned or money he gets from you as an allowance. And if he's overspent his allowance (or wages) he can't go. Better for you not to be directly funding tickets for him, he needs to learn to budget for himself.

If you have had an abusive childhood what you might have inadvertently done is do the opposite of the parenting you experienced.

This is understandable but may have had some ill effects.

How was their dads childhood?

Did you both use the same parenting techniques?

My (older) teenagers are also a bit haphazard and disorganised. But they have had pocket money/ allowance since they were five. They are very used to spending money of their own and therefore better at resisting impulse purchases and looking up travel costs. I think this has really helped us, it might help you too.

Round here, employers won't take on kids until they've left school, so DS will get a part time job when he starts college in Sept (hopes vainly he'll find one himself rather than me do it like I had to do with DD!). He's doing NCS for a month and we have a holiday, so won't be able to get a job before then unfortunately.

He had an allowance that I would transfer to his account was on completion of chores which rarely happened but I will give him cash for food when he's out/days out if I think its a learning experience .

Yes that was me Graphista. I've only given DD an extra £20 since then as she couldn't work for a week due to being ill so lost the job she had and was pleading starvation. What else could I do? I wanted her to stay out there as long as poss.

DS didn't 'lie' TBF. He didn't bother to sort out the details of what he was doing.

He couldn't do babysitting? Extra chores at home? Car washing? Dog walking? Lawn mowing? That's the kinda thing my brother did for cash at that age and what my dd 17's friends did/do too.

Did you still give him his allowance even if he didn't complete the chores?

This was the other thread yes?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3243536-Adult-DD-crap-with-money-Aibu-to-be-furious

Do you REALLY believe he didn't know it was in London and not the other city 150 miles away? I don't

The older 3 have all had bank accounts for years Hippo. DS2 can't use his and won't go into any shop anyway to spend it, strangely enough despite his SN he is fairly biddable so he will do chores with no problem with a few reminders. The older 2 will do them 'in a minute', 'after I've been to the loo', never ad nauseam! So rarely got their allowance. Given up now with DS1. I was changing the Wi-Fi password so often at one point, I'd forget what it was myself! I have high blood pressure anyway so need less stress.

There be alright they will grow up when they’re ready

Graphista he wouldn't need to lie about it. It's easier and cheaper to get to. He's been into London often with DD and her friends for gigs/concerts. I am worried about him going anywhere on his own given his current 'away with the fairies' behaviour not just London. He was probably only half listening to what he was told as usual.

I agree with some of the PPs who wonder if your own abusive childhood has made you spoil your own kids with being too soft and indulgent, and always rushing to bail out their mistakes, rather than making them face the consequences of their own mismanagement.
I also had an emotionally abusive upbringing, and I tended to go overboard at Christmas and birthdays with excessive piles of presents for my own kids, but I always had definite boundaries for their behaviour, and clear expectations of them. I think you need to start now - it’s never too late - by having a family meeting with the kids and laying down some agreed boundaries, making them responsible for their own lives, budgets, and decisions. And then stick to it. If they cock up travel arrangements, tough. Let them miss their day out. They’ll learn the hard way, and be more sensible next time. You should have stopped running round after them once they left primary school, or they’ll never learn to be functioning adults.
It will be hard for you, OP, but you need to do this for all your sakes!

Do you think he’s on his phone too much? It can affect concentration.

Sounds like pretty standard selfish teen behaviour to me. You're pr9babky just find8ng it more difficult because there is 4 of them being like this at once.

I agree with @babdoc. You are clearly a loving and caring mother, but I think you need to be a bit more “tough love” for all of your sakes.

My two are still only 6 and 8 so I freely admit that I don’t know what I’m talking about, but I would urge you to (for example) expect the same civility and respect that you would from a friend. Not stomping around being rude, rolling eyes, sighing etc. My mother was always very clear to me that she was happy to support me financially while I was studying, but that my side of the bargain was to pull my weight around the house, act like an adult etc. Don’t be scared to set budget limits for days out etc, just one episode of missing out and I’ll bet your DS will be more proactive and organised in the future!