Does being a lone parent wreck new relationships?

[Alwayssuchaletdown]

I’ve been a single mum for five years, ex husband now lives in NZ and at his choice does not see or keep in touch with his kids. He left when my youngest was a baby and emigrated with his new woman after our divorce. My kids as a result are with me all the time unless I get a sitter, I can’t send them to the other parents house for the weekend or overnight.

The last three years I’ve been dating, mainly online. I’ve met a fair few men, some honest players, some players pretending to be up for a relationship and some nice men genuinely wanting to settle with someone long term. But it doesn’t seem to matter what I do. I always get the “I’m fine with you being a mum” spiel at the start and further in, sometimes a few weeks and sometimes several months, I get the whole “can’t do kids/ can’t get involved with someone else’s children/ want you for myself/ don’t want to share you “ routine.

I’m so disillusioned now. I’m a nice person. I’m honest, turn up when I say I will and on time, pay my way, financially secure, drive, don’t talk about my kids unless asked and limit any time dates would need to spend at mine if the kids are around, do my best to travel to them wherever possible. I always get the same thing though time and time again, that they think the world of me but can’t do the family thing. Is this likely to be the case forever? I don’t seem to spot the warning signs of men who will change their minds about me. I’m 42 now and feel like my chances of meeting someone who accepts me are disappearing quickly.

Have you dated anyone with kids of their own? It sounds as though you just haven't met the right person yet.

How old are your kids? Mine are teens so I can leave them at home for a few hours without a problem.

Perhaps you should consider "I'm ok with you being a mum" as a potential red flag. I mean I'm a parent but I suspect that if I dated someone with a child then there'd be lots of issues that I couldn't anticipate. Are these men childless? You have to remember the shock of going no kids to 1 kid, add in the fact that you're not guaranteed to be loved by the child and you don't have any proper parenting rights like deciding house rules and it's got to be really hard.

I'm not saying that nobody wants to date a single parent but it's inevitably going to be hard to find a person who can cope with stepparenting.

Most have had older kids. I’ve dated a couple that had similar aged children. But they had their kids on a part time basis while mine were around all the time. When their kids were with the mum, they wanted to be child free. Another with kids wouldn’t introduce me to them after four months and didn’t want to have any involvement with mine, not surprisingly he ended it saying I didn’t have enough time just for him.

My two sons are teenagers and independent/able to be left and sometimes babysit the youngest but my daughter is five and has some health issues.

I agree with @wowfudge. You just haven't met the right man yet. And it wasprobably easier for the ones you have dated to use your children as an excuse to break up. Keep on dating :-)

You haven't met the right man yet, or you're going for the same type of man time and again. I never had trouble attracting interest when I was single with three young children, but I became very picky about who I thought was suitable. It wasn't just about me anymore.
I met someone who took on my three kids, fits perfectly into our family and we had a baby together pretty quickly.

I think it genuinely has been the reason on most occasions. I think a lot of men look long term, decide that they don’t want to be living with someone else’s children if a relationship became serious and back off early on. It’s for the best but I’m getting sick of it happening.

I think at 42 I’ve passed the age where a man would want a baby with me, I think if I was early 30s it might be easier to meet a man wanting a family and happy to take on other children as well as have a baby of their own.

Chocolate, how did you get to suss who was unsuitable? I’ve picked up a few red flags but could do with more experience. Things I’ve noticed as a precursor to “the chat” include long distances eg 45 minutes plus (making it difficult to see each other enough), men with adult kids, men whose children don’t sleep over with them, men who enjoy bachelor life in between seeing their kids, men who love where they live and can’t ever imagine moving, men who socialise a lot with friends / have a child unfriendly lifestyle, men with a calm stuck in a rut routine,

My DH had his daughter 6 nights a week when I met him. I didn't have kids. Didn't stop me falling in love with him and I now love his DD as much as our DD together.

Dating as a single parent probably is harder than dating without kids, but that doesn't mean it's impossible to find someone.

I’m hoping I will find someone with kids happy to join forces and become a bigger family. I don’t know what to look for or how to bring up the right questions to find out someone’s thoughts on children.

OP I’m in a similar situation, 3DC 9, 7 and 2. Elder 2 spend EOW and half the holidays with ExDP, but ExH isn’t around for toddler, and I have zero babysitters. Couldn’t go on a date if I wanted to. I’m almost 32. A part of me feels like I’m watching life from the sidelines as there’s so many things I can’t do, aside from date, things like meals/cinema/drinks with friends too. It’s isolating and shit.

I can understand that, so frustrating