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AIBU?

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Original poster

School absence due to grandparent with terminal cancer diagnosis

30 replies

NotAnotherNightIn · 02/06/2018 14:39

Posting for traffic...
My DM has been diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer, 'month to month' time frame.
I live over 500miles from my mum, I have a child in full time education, obviously want to take my child to see my mum very soon, before worst comes to worst.
Had a very fleeting word with Secretary and was told it was at discretion of headteacher (I'm fine with that) but I was told by a friend I'll need to provide evidence, although for my situation she didn't know what sort of evidence I'd require.
So that's basically my question, what evidence do I need to provide for a grandparent with terminal cancer? And what are ppls experiences with their schools on a similar issue?

OP posts:
KirstenRaymonde · 02/06/2018 14:42

Your mum’s doctor might be able to provide a letter.

MollysMummy2010 · 02/06/2018 14:45

Recently lost my fil and he was in a coma for a couple of weeks prior. School were fab when I had to pull dd out to go down and then again for funeral. Certainly did not ask for proof! Do what you need to do and don’t worry about the school. You won’t get this time again.

Fernweh · 02/06/2018 14:49

Sorry, I didn't want to read and run. I'm so very sorry you are going through this, this was me 10 months ago but I'm fortunate to live closer to my parents (than you live in relation to your mum).

I talked to my kids schools (one primary and 1 secondary), they were very understanding but didn't mention evidence if we need to take them out of school in term time. As it happened, my Dad died in the school holidays so I didn't need to pull them out for visits or the funeral.

im sorry it's not much help, maybe someone will come along who can advise you more.

Again, I'm very sorry you are going through this Flowers

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 02/06/2018 14:50

Head refused my friend's dc off for their dgf funeral!! Friend took it to the governors who said yes.
Madness.

Kolo · 02/06/2018 14:52

I’d find it incredible if the school ask for evidence. They are entitled to ask, and sometimes my kids school asks for evidence if they are suspicious of an absence, for things like appointment letters. But it seems incredibly insensitive to ask for evidence of a terminal diagnosis. I’m really sorry. It must be awful to be so far away at such a horrible time.

LartenCrepsley · 02/06/2018 14:53

Send an email to the headteacher and explain the situation and ask if you need to provide any evidence.

MrsRudyRudpoo · 02/06/2018 15:24

I'm an attendance officer- in our school we would authorise the absence as long as the child has good attendance usually. Evidence would not be required

ShawshanksRedemption · 02/06/2018 15:28

I think this is the key phrase, as @MrsRudyRudpoo stated, "as long as the child has good attendance usually". Good attendance is 96% and above.

MiniCooperLover · 02/06/2018 15:31

The weekend we lost my MIL I took our DS out of school early on the Friday. I explained we thought she was near the end and we'd been asked by the hospital to get there if we could. His school couldn't have been more helpful. I took him in for the morning so I could get us packed and they just said 'we'll have him ready for whatever time you need'. I can't imagine them asking for evidence. Sorry to hear about your Mum.

SheSparkles · 02/06/2018 15:35

I think you should take what your friend said with a pinch of salt!

Theworldisfullofgs · 02/06/2018 15:35

As long as attendance was good my primary would not ask for evidence.

pontiouspilates · 02/06/2018 15:45

sorry to hear this, I'm in a similar situation. My DDs school has been amazing - offering lots of support, extending home work deadlines when we are away visiting. I emailed the Head of Year and was never asked to provide any proof/evidence.

brizzledrizzle · 02/06/2018 15:47

I can't imagine that the school would need evidence but if I were you I'd take them anyway and face the school later - if they did insist on evidence I'd eat my hat.
Sorry you are going through this.

starfish4 · 02/06/2018 15:50

Sorry to hear about your DMFlowers

Seriously just apply for the time off, explaining you feel it's important for your DC and DM to see eachother in the immediate future, if possible try and make it over a weekend so your DC doesn't need to take so much time off school.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/06/2018 15:52

Dd is in primary and went to 2 funerals last year. No evidence was requested and the head did not have to sign the absences off. The school office just wrote the reason in the absence book. I did go down for a little while before my stepdads death but didn’t take dd. I used a childminder and friends to look after her. Isn’t it half term this week? Haven’t you been able to see your dm with your dd this week? I hope so. As pps have said as long as attendance is good, the school can’t find you. They may not authorise absence for visits.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/06/2018 15:52

Find = fine

BeyondThePage · 02/06/2018 16:01

my mum had her terminal ("let's just take it a week or so at a time - see how it goes") diagnosis 2 and a half years ago. She is tenacious. (and lives 600 miles away)

So would be wary of using too much "goodwill" too early on, unless you know things are going downhill rapidly. But we just went as and when we thought she needed us. The school stayed out of things since they understood and had a decent Head.

ziggiestardust · 02/06/2018 16:04

Ask for evidence?! I’d be saying no, and fine me then. I’m not giving out confidential medical information during a horrendous time. £60 is hardly a deterrent anyway.

backaftera2yearbreak · 02/06/2018 16:07

If your mum is expected to live less than 6 months the doctor can provide a DS1500. It’s used for benefit purposes normally, however, if they really need evidence this may work. I’m sorry for what your going through x

kateandme · 02/06/2018 16:54

does he like his teacher.school nurse?head of year?id go to the and not even mention evidence.just tell them the very sad news and for their support at this time and to be wary of your dc emotional wellbeing.then add at some point you might need to rush to be with her and how best should you do this.
good god this Is life and death of a parent this is surely more important to a childs wellbeing than shool!

SuburbanRhonda · 02/06/2018 16:56

Why are you taking what your friend says as gospel? Ask the school, not on here, as they’re all different and other people’s anecdotes are of no use to you.

chicken75 · 02/06/2018 16:58

We recently lost father in law to cancer. Daughters school were fantastic (as always). We just explained and school were happy with our decisions. Several teachers spoke with her about being there if she needs them.

MaisyPops · 02/06/2018 17:00

Schools can (and should) be compassionate. We've had students make trips in similar situations. Otherwise good attendance, and doing well wouldn't lead to request for evidence. We just grant the leave and aim to have pastoral support in place to support tje child when the inevitable sadly happens.
But I can see why they may ask for some because I had a student who routinely had 'family emergencies' and 'extended family bereavements' usually coinciding with extended holidays, poor punctuality etc. If that child had asked then we may have asked for evidence.

So sorry you're in that situation OP.

AllMYSmellySocks · 02/06/2018 17:06

I agree with PP that if attendance has never been an issue I'd be surprised if the school were anything by sympathetic.

falang · 02/06/2018 17:06

Ring the HT to explain. depending on your child's current attendance they may ask for proof but I doubt it. It may be unauthorised absence but if your child doesn't have any other unauthorised absence I wouldn't worry about it. Your mum comes first.