To think we’re not friends anymore?

[Norealfriendsnow]

Apologies that this is long, trying to avoid drip feed. Namechanged also.

I have two close friends who I’ve known for many years. We had our dcs (2 each) at around the same time and would spend lots LOADS of time together.
Been through a lot such as friend one losing her Mum, friend two going through an awful late mc and her marriage broke down. My own marriage ended too.
Anyway both friends are now in a happy place, great dh’s, children grown and flown the nest (as have mine) I however now have a 4yo ds with my current dp.
This has meant that I haven’t been able to see them as much (they still spend lots of time together) as dp and I work hours around each other as we can’t afford childcare, no family to help etc.
I do try to meet up with them though as I love them dearly and enjoy seeing them but I feel that my circumstances mean that we’ve ‘drifted’ somewhat (or maybe just that I’ve ‘drifted’ due to horrid pnd, exhausted as ds isn’t the easiest, I don’t know)
Anyway, last month we all met up at friend one’s house for drinks, I was so excited to be having an evening ‘off’ and I hadn’t seen either of them for about 6 months.
The evening was odd. Friend two isn’t as well off as friend one but appears to be trying to copy her. She took great pleasure telling me that she has the same rediculously expensive kitchenware and has taken out finance on a flashy car very similar to friend one’s etc. I’m NOT jealous, my car is flashy enough and I’ve no interest in kitchen stuff. But knowing her circumstances, friend two must be getting into debt to fund her current lifestyle whereas friend one has been very successful and can comfortably afford hers.
Later on, I went to the toilet and on my way back I heard them laughing in the kitchen, muttering in a bitchy way. I’ve known them a long time, I know that’s what they were doing.
I walked into the kitchen expecting to be included in the conversation but instead they quickly changed the subject to food and shot each other a ‘look’
We had all previously been talking about our respective lives and having a moan about our oh’s and a laugh about our dc’s etc so I’m wondering if (helped by booze) I’ve said something that they then had a bitch about while they thought I couldn’t hear them.
It upset me so I made an excuse about being tired and got a taxi home, I’d been there a few hours so hopefully it didn’t look rude and I smiled and pretended to be okay.

Friend one hasn’t been in touch since though so maybe she does think I was rude. She’s usually the type to text ‘you okay?’ rather than take offence though.
I wouldn’t think anything of her not messaging me except she invited my 2 adult dc to a bbq but not me, my dp or our ds.
I think this is possibly pass/agg as I know that’s how she’s been with others in the past (but never me, we’re ‘close friends’ )
Friend two has since messaged asking if she could come and see me but I said I was ‘busy’ that day because I just feel awkward about her now. She’s messaged me again to say we must catch up soon.

These are the only two real friends that I still have, I have acquaintances who I’m friendly with but nobody who I’m as close to as them.
My dp thinks it’s just because we’re at different places in our lives atm and I’m just naturally more busy than them and that I seem to be paranoid overthinking.
I think my dp is just trying to be kind. Friend one has never invited my dc’s but not me, until now.
AIBU to think that they’re not really my friends anymore?

I think you are possibly overreacting. You don’t really have any evidence they were bitching about you yet you left and turned down the chance to meet up with one of them. Friends do come and go, especially when children come into it. I think you were wrong to turn your friend down. Before you ditch them, I’d have an honest conversation.

You may be overthinking though friend 1 inviting your adult DCs and not you is odd. But it sounds like friend 2 still wants to be friends and maybe realised that they'd been rude or whatever and is trying to see you to apologise. I'd suggest meeting up with her, see how it looks. Then you've given it a try & can make a decision on better knowledge.

You do seem to be overthinking, they might been bitching about a shared situation that you went there for and it's one of those things that isn't worth explaining. You were wrong to reject your friend's invitation though, she's trying to keep in touch. You are at different life stages this time so it won't be the same as when you all had kids together, they're done with that part of their lives. That doesn't mean you can't be friends. The kitchen stuff your fixing on too much their finances are nothing to do with you. Maybe they have extra now DCs have moved out.

Friend 1 probably hasn't invited you because last time she did you acted weird, false smiled, then left early. She might think it's too much for you and you're too tired/busy

It isn't always about you when people behave in an "off" way. It's more likely to be something entirely unrelated. The laughing and muttering in the kitchen is unlikely to be about you. You may have misinterpreted what you heard, or it may simply have been about someone they both knew but thought you didn't, or about something they'd been laughing about for several minutes that was too complicated to start again and explain to you, so they changed the subject. You mention having survived pnd and having a difficult ds - if you're still feeling a bit down, it's easy to interpret everything in the most negative way - I know I do. Friend does contact me - it's obvious that they don't like me any more (not that that domestic problems are on top of them at the moment)!

Friend doesn't contact me, I mean.

I do think that you are at different places in your life at the moment.

But yes I do think you caught them bitching...and they know it.I wouldn't go falling out but just carry on with your life as it is

I think you are overreacting at present. You are assuming that they were gossiping about you and that whatever was being said was negative, you don't actually know that. Don't blow off two good friends for something you assume rather than know.

Friend 2 obviously wants to meet up. Why not meet up with her and see how it goes?

In all honesty they might have been saying 'thank God we stopped when we did DCs have moved out and we can enjoy ourselves again/buy expensive kitchen ware rather than paw patrol toys etc I couldn't handle a 4 year old now'. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way but they might have realised they shouldn't say it to you in case it upset you (it shouldn't but you seem sensitive)

You didn't say anything about her not being able to afford the kitchencare/car did you?

Are your dc going to go?

I think you’re right, they were botching about you and friend one is queen bee and is trying to punish you by not inviting you to her party but making a point by inviting your dc.

I’d let them drift be nice when you see them, meet up if you feel like it. But they don’t have your back.

Call back friend 2 and arrange to see her.

I wonder if Friend 2 was playing up to Friend 1 but wants to let you in on what Friend 1 has been saying about you. ie, Friend 2 is still your friend but wants to keep in with Friend 1 who may no longer be.

I'd meet up with Friend 2 and see what she has to say. Then you can make an informed decision.

OP have a read of this....cogbtherapy.com/cbt-blog/common-cognitive-distortions-mind-reading

I am guilty of this A LOT and especially so when I am feeling low. Yes, it may be your friends made a comment or two and quickly stopped when you came back in the room, I agree with FASH84's observation though that it was likely something you having to deal with a 4 year old. Or them saying she doesn't know how easy she has it, wait until they are teenagers. It is also quite possible they were talking about something/ somebody else. However, it is one small comment that hit you hard as you are feeling vulnerable at the moment.

Try not to dwell on it. Letting one (not even definite) whispered exchange end a friendship that has gone on for years seems a bit extreme.

Have you honestly never made a comment about friend A to friend B or vice versa in all your years of knowing each other?
I would work on perfecting your Taylor Swift 'Shake it Off' and perhaps notice you feel you need a wider circle of friends and work on developing some more friendships too. That way, you will be less focused on what your friends are thinking.

I have been there! CBT reading up about mind reading really helped!

Did your dc go to the bbq? Why weren’t you invited?

Yeah, I’m overthinking aren’t I?

FASH84 A lot of what you’ve said does make sense and the Paw Patrol thing did make me smile, thank you.

Under No, I realise it’s her business what she spends her money on, it’s just unusual behaviour for her, that’s all.

I’m going to invite friend two round and go from there. I wouldn’t throw the friendship away but I feel like friend one wouldn’t deliberately not invite me to the bbq unless she was trying to tell me something.

I agree with FASH and others that they may not have been bitching about you in a nasty way. One may have said “Noreal looks exhausted” and both expressed concern then had a giggle of relief they no longer had small children.

I would also contact friend 2. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. She may be able to shed some light as to what’s going on.

Tbh there’s a lot of not very mature non communication and assumptions going on. Friend 2 is trying to keep up with friend 1. Friend 1 hasn’t asked how you are and has invited your dcs to an event - odd. But then equally I imagine you didn’t follow up the evening with a breezy text saying you bowed out early because you were exhausted. Lovely to catch up, maybe you’ll be let out some time again in the next 6 months and a “wink” or other light emoticon.

I don’t understand why you’re running away at the first sign of trouble and not trying to find out yourself by contacting friend 1 and asking what the deal is. Again a symptom of the not very mature communication or lack thereof.

If you’re not careful, yes, they’ll be ex friends. Perhaps it is salvageable. Perhaps not.

Sometimes when I've been drinking I can get paranoid or completely misread situations. I can also give out signals that I'm not aware I'm giving out.
I would meet Friend 2 for coffee and see how it goes, if she raises the incident with you I'd be honest but couch it by saying that you were a bit tipsy and may have completely misread the situation.
I'd also say that you really value their friendship and although you are at different stages in your lives they - both your friends - are both still very important to you.
As for the passive aggressive behaviour of the friend inviting your DCs to her BBQ and not you - just ignore.

The bbq was last weekend, my dc went. They didn’t realise I wasn’t invited, I only found out about it when dd mentioned it.
She assumed I’d been invited but turned down the invite, which is something I have often done either because I genuinely can’t make it or because I’m not feeling up to it.

Sod that.. they were bitching about you because they don't see you anymore... you're their reason to gossip ... you're an easy target... they know you and your business and they have a snidey opinion on all of it...

you KNOW what you heard... you KNOW these woman... you KNOW they were Bitching....

They are not Friends in the truest sense anymore OP

I think Friend 2 still wants to be your friend. I'd suggest getting back in touch, and arranging to meet. Also say you're glad she got in touch as you were worried you had said something wrong at Friend 1's house and you definitely had not wanted to offend them. See what she says.

Being very straightforward with Friend 1 could work too. She might be guessing what you are thinking, and getting it completely wrong. Ask her now if you've upset her in some way as you would not have meant to, but noticed them chatting and that you were left out of the BBQ. Her reaction will tell you what you need to know. She may deny it and blank you from then on, but as you're persona non grata already you haven't lost anything more. You've said she has been passive aggressive with other people, which, unfortunately, means she's capable of doing the same to you. Or if she is more mature and patient she will try to reconcile with you as a fellow human, whether or not you're going to be close friends in the future.

I second the stuff about mind reading look into CBT filters/filtering we all do most of them to some extent but it's useful to catch ourselves and pull back. I used to be a major catastrophiser now I recognise my brain is jumping 25 unlikely escalating steps ahead and it helps keep me calm or react more rationally.

Tbh I find all this “not friends any more” talk from grown adults rather quite tedious. It’s like something straight out of the playground and people who constantly fall out and in and over think like this seriously need to grow up.

If you’ve been friends for as long as you say you have why don’t you just ask them? If your friendship can’t survive that kind of question then it wasn’t the friendship you thought it was anyway. But the reality is that nobody is friends for decades without at some point having a bitch about each other because no friendship is perfect and no two friends always agree with each other on everything. And if you’re friends for that long then life inevitably takes you to different stages and you see more or less of each other accordingly. But if the friendships are solid then they survive that kind of shift, if they’re not then they invariably fade over time but nobody really needs to declare an end of a friendship like that.

Tbh I find all this “not friends any more” talk from grown adults rather quite tedious. It’s like something straight out of the playground and people who constantly fall out and in and over think like this seriously need to grow up

then why bother commenting.. A Poster has come onto Mumsnet with a genuine concern that is upsetting her ? are you saying you want to filter who can and cannot post on Mumsnet ? you don't have to engage on the Thread is you find it all so tedious and childish..

Gemini
In fairness, I think Ruby does have some very valid points in her second paragraph. I have also talked about the lack of mature conversation in my post. This poster was just rather more direct.