Financial Contribution & Overall contribution

[purplelila2]

Ok so married with 3 kids ds 12 ,dd 5, ds 4.
All full time school /nursery.

I work full-time with over an hour's commute to work and back sometimes more depending on traffic.

DH does nights and works 4 nights. He works Tuesday to Friday night's and is off sat, sun & Monday.

I'm the main earner I don't want to be I have no choice.

He's always skint yet refuses to work more nights saying his job is manual and it's difficult.

My issue is he doesn't contribute financially as he can't nor does he do much round the house.

This morning he spent 4 hours on the Xbox 7am to 11am , and only stopped as he had to drop DS to an activity.

I don't think it's fair to me to do the entire mental load, work full time whilst he has a better work life balance and contributes minimally.

He recently had an MOT on his car and needed work done, rather than forward planning and doing 2 lots of 'overtime' e.g. 2 weeks of working 5 nights he took money out of our savings to pay for it.

Kids need clothes that's me buying them.

Kids need clothes for a family celebration again that's me paying. I buy what I can afford but apparently it's not good enough Eg tops and bottoms I don't have enough to buy 3 lots of shoes too they can wear existing but no that's not good enough for the 'd'h.

I'm sick of his non contribution.

We married when we were very young , part of me did it to escape an abusive family situation.
When we had 1 child and I was full time I coped , but now we have 3 and his lack of contribution is taking its toll.

I'm on the verge of divorce I'm not putting up with this. Does anyone have any advice?

How many hours does he work less than you? When you say he's not contributing do you mean you pay for everything and he spends his own salary on what he wants?

You have three children, working full time is what you need to do to support the lifestyle choices you have made. You sound resentful you have to work but that's what adults do.

What does he spend his money on?

I am resentful I work 38 hours a week plus travel.
He works 30 hours in a minimum wage job and refuses to change or improve.

I pay the mortgage on my own , he pays his own bills and towards food.

I pay gas electric mortgage and everything for the kids, plus anything involving going out.

Most women who work full time don't have 3 kids!
I don't have a choice he refuses to contribute at home by doing house work and he refuses to work more and contribute financially.

He takes and takes and takes so clearly yes I am resentful . This isn't working to fund my lifestyle!!!

I just don’t understand how that’s a marriage.

What would he say if you said he needed to contribute properly or you’re leaving?

I’d seek legal advice and start divorce proceedings personally.

I come home from work around 7pm Mondays he's not at work and doesn't start work till 10pm on Tuesday, I still have to cook for myself. By the time I sit down to eat its about 8pm.
He won't offer to make me anything, and i have to do our daughters home work/ reading with her too as he can't be bothered.

The whole point of him working nights is so he can sleep whilst the kids are at school and he can be there for them.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable at all.

This isn't a marriage at all it is take take take.

I saved the deposit for the house we're living in alone and pay the mortgage alone . The years I went scrimping and suffering he wasted his money on loans and cars .

What are his own bills exactly? You live together don't you?

I told him he needs to either work or help out at home can't not work and take money off me and do sod all at home. If he wants to work minimally he needs to help at home. His response was I'll work more than and tell my managers to fuck off if they say anything to me and just walk out of that shit job .

The financial set up is off for me - you say he is 'always skint'. Well, you're married, so I don't believe it should be him skint/you not. You should operate as a team.

But you doing more work around the house and with the kids isn't right. He works slightly less so he should do slightly more.

His wage shouldn't be the issue.

His bills are whatever credit cards he's run up,
car insurance , car finance , joint food , petrol.
He's on min. wage and so his earnings don't stretch far.

I don't care what he earns as long as he helps out at home with cleaning or cooking or whatever.

He doesn't want to work but doesn't want to do any housework either , he's sat on his Xbox all day.

You need to dump this loser. He thinks he can sit around all day and make you do all the work. He thinks his money is HIS, but your money is his, too. What a complete waste of space.

Get rid of him. Tell him the gravy train stops here.

Doesn’t sound like it’s gonna get any better or that he’s taking into consideration what you’re saying and how you feel. YANBU. you need to consider whether you can put up with this and if not, what you’ll have to do to change the situation as looks like he’s not going to.

@Pengggwn we don't do joint finances he refused.

We married when we were young and id just left uni and didn't have a job he said there was no need.

I got pregnant shortly after we were married as he paid the rent etc with the help of housing benefit.
After I had my son my only income was £80 a month child benefit , from that I had to buy nappies , formula and baby clothes and anything left id use on me.

I couldn't live like that and got a job when ds was 5 months old. There's no way I'm doing joint finances now.

He would squander it all .

Well, it sounds like you have some real problems with him, OP. Good luck.

He seems like a liability tbh. He's certainly not improving your lifestyle...and is bringing you down.

I don't have anywhere to go if I left

I have no family I have nowhere to take my kids

Could you afford to live if you chucked him out? It seems he does childcare (albeit badly!) that would otherwise need to be paid for.
In theory he should share the care and pay maintenance if you split but he sounds like the sort who might refuse.
If you can make the numbers work, dump the sorry arse asap!

That's not a marriage a lodger would contribute more!! If he's not earning much and only working four shifts (can he not do 4 longer shifts, 7.5 hours isn't usual for nights), he needs to do housework, he should do that if you're earning and working the same anyway, he also needs to contribute to household expenses, not just his bills and a bit of money for food, you said his car was paid for from savings, your savings!!! He sounds awful, bloody manchild.

Why don't you look on the Entitled To website and put in your figures? You might be pleasantly surprised. I bet you'd be better off if he left.