To feel so utterly exhausted by my younger daughter

[Bonjourmonami73]

I feel awful writing this. I love my kids to death and would do anything for them. My DS is 11, laid back, calm, will eat anything you give him, do anything you ask.

My 6 year old DD is the total opposite and I literally broke down in tears from it earlier on. She won’t eat anything I give her, she won’t wear any clothes she has, she won’t sleep, she shouts at me, won’t listen to anything at all, won’t do what she is asked and has major tantrums constantly. It’s so exhausting.

I have just bought a book about willful kids to help but wondering if anyone can help. I am literally feeling broken by the frustrations of it. I resort to shouting which I am not proud of but it’s out of frustration.

I love her more than anything but I find being around her so testing and feel so drained by the end of the day from constant conflict. It makes me feel I am failing as a parent every day.

Does she have sensory issues? That might explain the clothes and food issues. You might also find it helpful to look at some of the parenting strategies for children who are demand avoidant; I'm not suggesting your DD has SN, some of the techniques are great for dc who don't have SN.

Oh and YANBU, it sounds challenging.

I dont have any advice but im in the same boat my dd is nearly 5 and doesnt sleep, takes bites of every piece of food i give her but then doesnt like it. I've tried everything.

But just wanted to say you're not alone.

I would just try not to get into battles about it. Unless she has medical needs she will eat enough if food is provided. Serve up something you know she’s eaten before and leave her to it.
The same with clothes. She will want to go places and she doesn’t go until she’s dressed. If the issue is choosing then maybe select 2 outfits for her to choose from.

Definitely not alone. DD is 6 and is the same. My teacher friends tell me it’s typical of 6yos but that doesn’t help dealing with her all the time.

Same here. I've actually cried when I'm just out with my eldest as he's so easy and not inclined or tantrum or run off. He isn't perfect but he doesn't push me to a near breakdown on a daily basis.
I've finally got the school nurse involved who is going to see if she can help dd with her sleeping and eating. Because after 7 years of crap I'm buggered if I know what to do next.

Is she like this at school, and if so, how does her teacher cope with her? Perhaps she/he could give you some suggestions for managing her behaviour?
I know on MN we tend to rush to diagnose things like autistic spectrum or adhd on little evidence, but it is a possibility with your DD. Girls are often harder to pick up until they’re a bit older than boys, but being obsessive about foods, disliking the feel of certain clothes fabrics, having stubborn or challenging behaviour could all be features of autism.
My own DD wasn’t diagnosed until she was 13.

I think at 6 this is more than just being willful, that’s in my experience and I’m obviously not diagnosing anything over the internet. It’s not “normal” if I can use that word, for this age. Tantrums at 6, again IME are indicative of sensory issues or other additional needs. I would speak to your GP and if they give you off and it’s still not resolved, I would push to see CAHMS or at least an OT to see if they an offer any insight. Google as much as you can about autism, ASD, sensory problems, ODD etc and see if anything rings any bells. You need some support and some practical behaviour management ideas. Even when a child doesn’t meet the threshold for some kind of diagnosis, if they display similar behaviours or symptoms, then applying the techniques that a therapist or parent would use IF they had that diagnosis can be helpful IYSWIM. In example, a child with autism may benefit from a visual timetable to help reduce uncertainty about the day ahead and therefore reduce anxiety and meltdowns. Doing that for a child with the same problems, whilst waiting for an assessment or diagnosis won’t hurt, and may help in the interim and keep the household happier and calmer.

I could have written this post! Dd is 9 and ds 12. We've found it a bit easier as she gets older but her behaviour can be challenging still - try The Explosive Child book - it really helped us. We have no issues with School at all although she can be excitable and boisterous she does as she's told there but at home really resists any approach that involves telling her what to do. We don't battle over food or clothes anymore - she wears what she wants when not in school uniform and has the same dinner as the rest of us with tweaks if needed e.g potatoes not mashed. It seems at a low level her mind just works differently to her brothers and once we got our heads around that life became easier!

No problems at school really- she’s quite anxious but is doing well academically. It’s not that she dislikes the feel of fabrics- she just has very strong ideas about what she wants to wear and what she likes. She eats school dinners no problem- she’s just incredibly full on!

She eats school dinners no problem

You just need to learn to cook really horrible food and provide strangely unpleasant combinations eg macaroni cheese with kipper paste and broad bean mash.

And let her go out naked if she refuses perfectly good clothes (that presumably she has had an input in choosing).

I wouldn't rush to make a diagnosis over the Internet either, but consider ADD. DD had tantrums way beyond toddlerhood, among other things and it turned out to be ADD. She also has difficulty sleeping, can't attend to conversations....

""Rude, explosive and sulky" (words might be in a different order) is a very good book, written for "normal" and sn children. One of the key messages of the book is that children want to please us; they don't want to fail; but sometimes they are being set up to fail by situations beyond their particular abilities (or lack of). As pp said, give her some choices, like if you have to go out, what coat does she want to wear - gives her some control where otherwise she has none, as she does not want to go out!

Have you tried the 2 choice method? I’m not sure how well it works with a 6 yo but it’s worth a try.

Eg do you want to wear your blue trousers or your red skirt today?

Do you want fishfingers or sausages?

Only 2 choices. It stops them being overwhelmed by too many choices. However as she is a little older I would also allow a third (reasonable) choice from her idea.

So, in answer to my first question if she says neither you say, what would you like to wear on your bottom half and she says green trousers, fine.

If in response to the second question she says chocolate, then no, chocolate is for treats not for lunch.

"Sulky, Rowdy, Rude"!

I’d try not to label her as wilful she isn’t sleeping which will make life difficult.

If she is coping at school she may have run out of “being able to cope” once she gets home. Have you read the fizzy drink thing? Will try to find it for you.

community.fireflyfriends.com/blog/article/autism-why-i-describe-my-daughter

I’m not saying she is autistic and it may be different things that upset her, but if she is anxious is similar.

Sounds exactly like my 6 year old! She was my first, but as a second yours must have been quite a shock! Incredibly head strong but an angel at school. Wears the most bizarre clothes, but hopefully will have gone through that phase as a teen. Needs me to fall asleep. Always wants to be in charge. Incredibly fussy eater at home, not so ch at school

I would recommend reading Raising Your Spirited Child it really has helped us :)

@notevilstepmother I used to swear by limited choices but my DD now does it to me to try and gets something she wants

My DD was like that. Now she is an adult and the loveliest person ever. It was a phase. It was frustration that she wasn't able to do everything she wanted to as well as she wanted to do it; (she is still driven and a perfectionist).

Sometimes it can just be a phase. I hope it is for you.

The key thing is to rethink your expectations. Sorry.

Clothes - does it matter if she wears what she wants? Is there a special reason you want her in certain clothes? Is it safety? What happens if she just wears what she wants?

Food - is she eating? Maybe she just isn't that hungry? Let her go hungry if she wants. Don't turn eating into a battle ground. Have healthy snacks/easy food available for if she is hungry (and when eating with family - pre-warn them).

My children have all been tricky at times. Clothes I was very relaxed about - except for school, and things like Weddings (but even then did my best to accommodate their preferences - avoiding certain fabrics).
Food is tricker, but one I would cook her pasta if I was becoming anxious she hadn't eaten for a while. Its surprising how some children can thrive on extremely limited diets.

If you are really concerned then talk to your GP and get a referral. It could be an SN, the lack of sleep might indicate this.

But basically don't listen to people who tell you what your DD ought to do, and how you need to make her do things.
IF its safety then - yes you need to ensure it happens - but explain and ask her how to make sure it happens. If its basic politeness then discuss this, and listen to how she will solve the issue.

Forget about the clothes. My dd (9) only wore a tiny proportion of her clothes. She is better these days. But some clothes are almost brand new and getting too small. She has some mild sensory issues as well and everything at 6 was itchy. At one stage aged 6 she would only wear one school blouse and one School dress, which I washed daily. It is also very very common for 6 yos to decide to only wear one or 2 items. Dd did the same with a particular casual dress, wearing it for about 3 months solid and there were melt downs when this wasn’t available because it was in the wash/dirty/not dry.

As for the food, I only really make dd what she likes. She’s an only child so it’s easier. Her repertoire of food has increased with age and it was very limited when she was an older baby/preschooler.

Dd definitely knows her own mind and does well with reasoning. I know not all kids can handle this but we talk a lot and I give her a lot of slack. She’s got easier to handle with age. Although now the tween strops and sarcastic tones have already started. I would talk to your dd lots if she is receptive and let her know she is fab just the way she is.

Dd does/did sleep. Although only if she is run ragged. She has more energy than any other child I know and does a lot of after school sporting activities - almost daily now. Is your dd taking enough exercise?

YANBU
I have a 6 year oldlike this - only wants to eat toast and sweets and watch TV. Very challenging. My 2 year old is more mature and dream eater!

my dd1 was just like this, i cried nearly every day.
teachers, other parents and her grandparents thought she was angelic, delight to have in the class, so polite and helpful...
at home she was just impossible to live witth and i have to say in my darkest moments i contemplated calling social services...i just did not want to have her in the house ruining life for the family anymore.
At about age 12 she suddenly, literally overnight morphed intto the nicest teenager you can every meet.
and now at 23 is truely delightful and we have the best relationship.
I know it is little confort right now but hang in there...do the tough bit now and the teenage years are blissful.
I agree about limit choices, i now see that my dd and i fed off each other, i gave too many choices, she was over whelmed, felt too much responsibilty and lashed out, i used to shout 'oh for goodness sake what the hell do you want to wear then?'...which of course scared her, and gave her even more choice ( just one example).
Keep calm, two choices, dont rise to it, and try your very hardest to carry on with plans for family meals/outings etc...
And then drink GIN !

let her wear what she wants and regarding meals she either eats it or doesn't.

she sounds a bit of a princess

The best way I’ve found to manage stubborn DC is to give them two options. 1) the option you want them to choose 2) a far less appealing option. And as hard as I know it is you must be consistent - any hint of weakness and they’ll have you
Wilful children are exhausting but just remember that this means as a teenager she won’t be pushed into anything she doesn’t want to do - that’s the positive I’ve taken from having ‘independent minded’ DC

Have you tried the two options method? Means they feel as though they're in control but ultimately you're making the choices because whatever they pick is something you'll be happy with. So a choice of two different vegetables with dinner, or two different colour socks/underwear/tops when getting ready. Pick two things you'll be happy with her eating/wearing and let her feel as though she's in control.

The clothes thing potentially sounds like she has some sensory issues - have you tried removing all the labels from her clothes or letting her choose things like leggings/loose t-shirts so nothing is digging in and irritating her skin?