To ask what's wrong with me?

[msRBF]

I've been trying to work on myself but to no result.

Just to point out as I feel it matters - to be 100% honest I don't have any friends.

I was in the wrong crowds at school and have no contact with those people, I used to also get bullied and I engrained in myself that I couldn't show them any weakness so learned to switch of emotions/limit facial expressions etc
At college I went through some tough times and the one friend I did make flaked off, sabotaged a potential relationship of mine and generally wasn't much of a friend. Then I met my DP who's older than me and I've socialised with his groups of friends but of course they are all older, have lots of friends, most of them grew up together and went to the same schools etc so I've never managed to actually properly "befriend" anyone.

I am mid twenties but where I live now I'm probably one of the youngest mums around everyone else is in the 30+ bracket and they all relate to each other much better than to me which is understandable.

My problem is that I have a major resting bitch face, when I talk to people I come across extremely unemotional despite trying not to and find it hard to get into groups and make friends. I struggle to find things to say or find good topics of conversation because I don't have much experience of it.
I go to a local playgroup and I've been going for over a year now, I manage to talk to other mums etc but nothing more, an acquaintance of mine has recently joined and she's already arranging play dates I just don't know how. The playgroup was recently cancelled the week after and the acquaintance made plans for that day with a group of mums within earshot of me and I felt a bit dejected as she initially got in touch with me when she was thinking of joining the group.

I'm trying to pinpoint what's wrong with me to be so bad at making friends and relating to people. I want to have friends, I want to be able to talk to someone without panicking in my head about wether I'm saying the right things/not being misunderstood. I want to do play dates and have the occasional night out but I don't think it will ever happen. Most people my age already have established friendship groups and I feel it's too late.

Even my DM doesn't get me. She often thinks I pull a "smug" face when I'm trying to politely smile or that I look like I'm eye rolling at something when I'm trying to liste and react in appropriate ways. From what I gather I think she thinks I'm really "better than thou" but I don't understand as I really don't want to come off like that.

AIBU to ask what to do and if there's something wrong with me?

My problem is that I have a major resting bitch face, when I talk to people I come across extremely unemotional despite trying not to

^You really need to work on this. You are scaring people off

One of my tips would just be to always say hello to people and smile. Keep going to groups. Keep getting yourself out there. Be friendly and interested in people.

Be honest. Message the the lady who contacted you before joining the playgroup and tell her pretty much what youv just told us. Ask her for help making friends as she's so natural at it - no normal person would say no to helping someone make new friends 💐

Ever been assessed for ASD? "Resting bitch face" "learned to switch off emotion/limit facial expressions, hook up with older bloke with established social circlescos it's easier to engage with his as the role of girlfriend than to work out how to engage on your own terms, reactions that others deem as inappropriate when your trying to show interest.

It's all masking behaviour

Shy and anxious can sometimes come over as standoffish. It’s not intentional but the end result is the same.
I think there is an element of fake it ‘til you make it. Sit near them, say something positive about their child, ask them how their week has gone. Also don’t wait to be invited into the group, organise play dates yourself etc.
Having said all that, maybe you don’t have anything in common other than having a child. Is there something you enjoy doing that has a club or classes nearby where you might meet someone with common interests?

I have to say that I usually make friends easily but the playgroup setting was very hard for me to make new friends at. I went to 2 and one was marginally better than the other andi eventually made a couple of friends when I took my second child.
I just fake it til I make it, smile and be friendly- the smile has to have warmth in it though.

Your username presents yourself in relation to the one social relationship you are you are comfortable with as opposed to you as an individual

There's nothing wrong with you, and you are what you are. You can't help your resting face- try to give yourself a break on that. Maybe make sure that you always acknowledge people and say hello, even if it's sometimes no more than that.
I think it's difficult to form friendship groups if it's not something you're used to, but it doesn't sound as if you're doing much wrong - just be patient and make as much effort as you can with people, and good relationships could emerge over time. If you have any other interests, could be worth joining groups associated with those too, although appreciate that you may currently not have much time for this.

I could of written this EXACT post OP. Watching with interest.

Rather than trying to wholesale change who you are, and your RBF demeanour you need to find people more like you. More RBF in a word.

You are unlikely to find this in a playgroup setting, but what about a gig or more social settings with younger people? Maybe you are never going to be able to do fluffy and sweet and nice. You can only do bitch face and that is fine.

I think you are looking in the wrong places personally. I would start to branch out into different areas that i genuinely interested in. Art class, rock gigs, book clubs or even more far out stuff like meetings for groups interested in your interests (astronomy) etc

If you put on a front, you will need keep up the facade and that is hard work. Better to stay yourself, and find others like. Start your own RBF club. There will be potential friends out there that have the same values and facial expressions as you, you just need to find your niche.

You have a dp and children so clearly haven't put all people off!
Have some confidence you are fine as you are actually.

Quite a lot of what you've written could have been about me, too. You're not alone. I had to reach quite an age before I realised there are quite a few of us and before I forgave myself for it, in a way. People aren't all the same and it's OK to be a bit different. I no longer feel the need to conform in that way but I most certainly did at your age and it was a huge and uncomfortable pressure. I'm much more relaxed about it now - I'm not saying it's easy but stop putting pressure on yourself, accept yourself for how you are and gently try working out what sort of social situations make you feel comfortable instead. Mum and baby groups most certainly don't work for me and I've heard plenty of others say the same.

If I think about people I work with who are less popular they are usually the ones who appear negative about life in general. Sometimes this comes across as moaning about work obviously but much more than a general snipe-and-get-on-with-it moaning. Some are quieter but carry an air of negativity about them They seem to think the world is against them, wait to be approached and then respond with a nasty remark or observation.
Im not Miss popularity by any means but I try to show an interest in someones life by responding positively to their comments .Just light stuff like what was on TV last night. Oh yes I saw that - did you like it ? Gauge from their response which way to go and match them . Nothing too heavy and no need to harp on about the same blasted tv programme every conversation.( Im looking at you BIL) Move on to another common ground and soon there will be lots of little conversations that build up to a relationship forming.
Bus stop type conversations dont leave much room for deep thoughts so keep it light and not too many opinions.
Seems like you will need to practice this and lots of people do - they rehearse conversation openings on the way to meetings.They listen to others and cast themselves in each part . They watch soap operas and see how others are perceived.
The main thing is not to be too introspective. Meet people at least 3/4 of the way and you will soon have some friends.

Is it possible you could be aspergers OP?

Yes I can empathise with this. I posted something similar under a different name a year or so ago and the responses were phenomenal, you are not alone, far from it!

I also come across as being quite cold and emotionless unless I REALLY go to town on my facial expressions. I can honestly say I think the physical act of smiling comes easier to some faces than to others. I know people who always have a smile playing on their lips just waiting to emerge, whereas for me the act of smiling feels like it places a big demand on my lower facial muscles. I try to do it occasionally but to be honest the physical effort required to contort my face into a wide smile makes me feel like it must look really false, like some big, grotesque, clown-line caricature of a smile, so it doesn't come naturally.

Acceptance will be your friend here. Accept that you are exactly the way you were created to be. You don't need to convince anyone to want to be your friend, just carry on being the kind, thoughtful person you are and the right people will see it. I don't have children but from what I've seen on here these forced "mum friendships" are rarely worth all the emotional manipulation and playground politics that come with them. I would say if you wish to meet more people join a group like Meetup where you know everyone you come into contact with it also looking to make connections with others. Alternatively find a hobby, a part time job, volunteer position or activity that's purely for you, nothing to do with your husband or child, and once you're relatively involved with that activity you'll find you instantly have lots of fuel for conversation with likeminded people and moving onto other unrelated topics will come more naturally. Things like rock choir and volunteering are particularly good for this.

Regarding the age difference, mid-20's is no different to someone in their 30's, 40's, 50's etc. You reach a point where your body continues to age but your mind doesn't, so older women will still interested in what you have to say and you should never feel like you need to tailor your conversation to their age, talk about the same things you would talk about with anyone else. I'm 30 and I have a friend who is 20 and a friend who is 50, I love hearing about their different lives (one just moving into her first flat and living the single life, the other retired and enjoying lovely exotic holidays with her husband).

Bottom line though you are perfect and you don't need to "be" any more anything. The right people will see past it, just make sure when they do you are open and ready to make that connection. We are all walking around worrying that we've just said the wrong thing or overanalysing ourselves, you aren't alone and I bet no one is thinking it about you!

Your mother sounds difficult. She is accusing you of being smug, rolling your eyes and having a 'better than thou' attitude. Is she ever postive with you?

Absolutely what CoteNoir said.

I too seized upon your mother's comments. I can identify with much of what you say, OP although I'm a lot older now and it honestly does get easier. I wonder if, like me, you had an EA upbringing but can't face it yet? So, as a consequence, you're all screwed up but you don't understand why.

Thank you for all the advice, I am taking it all on board.

Re my resting bitch face 9/10 times I have no idea I think I look happy and normal. I generally try to be conscious about it and make effort to look friendlier and more approachable but I'm not 100% what I'm doing.

My DM is a bit of anther thread she never outright told me "you look smug" etc I just hear it if we have a disagreement or through hints/noises she makes later on IYKWIM.

Ugh OP you sound exactly like me. Mega RBF, struggled badly to get past the pleasantries at playgroups, I've been told I look angry and approachable. Even DH reads my expression totally wrong sometimes. Its hard bloody work sometimes. Obviously I have no advice whatsoever but just thought I'd give you a fist bump in solidarity.

I've got a resting bitch face. Fortunately I also have a lovely smile, so I smile at myself in the bathroom mirror every time I go in, and it's now easier to bring to the surface the happy feelings that allow me to give a genuine smile when I greet someone.

I was bullied/socially excluded at school. This meant that I didn't get as much chance at learning the body language/"between the lines" communication, which meant the gap between my communication and everyone else's got wider and I was excluded even more, so I lost out more on learning communications skills ... What's worked for me as an adult is getting involved in the organisational side of whatever I get involved in. If I'm the person who's organising a working party, telling people the arrangements, coordinating the claims for travel allowance etc, then people have to interact with me. And some of them get to know me enough to realise there's a nice person behind the miserable know-it-all that is my external face. I've gone from zero friends in my 20s to having enough not to worry about it.

I also go our of my way to "learn" communication. MN is quite good for that! and one of the reasons I'm here. It's really good for seeing how comments can be misinterpreted and taken in the wrong way.

Don't believe anything your DM tells you. The mother-daughter bond is a very emotional one - neither of you will be objective about the other.