Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep my pregnancy a secret from everyone.

20 replies

Cheeseandcrisps · 02/06/2018 02:19

Just that really, found out yesterday that I am pregnant I haven't told a soul in real life.

Dh and I have one dd age 2 but I have had 5 miscarriages 2 since dd was born. I'm so scared it will happen again so I've been thinking of concealing the pregnancy from everyone including my dh. He took the last 2 miscarriages very badly and was very upset he still talks about them now he gets his hopes up every time we take a test and it's positive and each time the pregnancy ended with a miscarriage is heart break is evident.

I have learnt to accept that another miscarriage is very likely and I have been told that although there's no real medical reason as to why I should keep losing pregnancies the more I've had the more likely a loss is.

I know i cant hide it forever but wibu to just try and keep to myself for a couple of months until I reach a safer stage for the pregnancy? If I do have another miscarriage I'm emotionally very strong I think I could handle it privately without him knowing. I just dont want to put my dh through it again he's an amazing husband and father to our daughter he's supportive, generous, he helps out with everything at home even though he works full time.

I dont drink or smoke so it's not like anyone would guess from those things.

OP posts:
KirstenRaymonde · 02/06/2018 02:26

Poor you. This has been such a difficult time for you, I completely understand why you want to keep it to yourself. But I think you do need to share it with your partner, whatever the outcome you need to give him the chance to support you, and should you hopefully have a good outcome this time I think he would feel very betrayed that you had kept it from him so long. You should be able to share the celebrations and disappointments with each other, at all times. I do understand why you want to protect him, and it comes from the very best place, but he will also want to love and protect you, and you need to let him do that to.

All the best for your pregnancy Flowers

Original poster
Cheeseandcrisps · 02/06/2018 02:34

Sorry the other thing I should mention is dh is terrible at keeping a secret he always has to tell people we are close to because of his excitement this makes it worse when we end up having a miscarriage I just can't stand all their faces looking at me in pity and the awkward conversation like nobody knows what to say to us.

I do understand what you mean kirsten I know I probably sound really selfish even though I'm trying to be kind to him im not as emotional as him and we have dd to think of so hard.

I feel stupid every time I've announced I'm pregnant like I think the other person is jusy say there thinking "Here we go again"

OP posts:
RailReplacementBusService · 02/06/2018 02:37

Sorry to hear about that. What stage have you been having the miscarriages at? Because if it was eg 5-6 weeks then that is one thing but the later it gets the harder it would be to hide and the harder it would be to say “hey I’m pregnant” to your partner without him being very hurt you didn’t tell him. Also consider if you have a miscarriage and he find out you kept it from him how would he feel?

But more importantly have you been to see a recurrent miscarriage specialist yet? Have you been advised to take aspirin or progesterone?

RafikiIsTheBest · 02/06/2018 02:48

I think in your situation I would do the same, especially if the miscarriages were early on. Might be easier to say later that you are having a miscarriage or think you have had one than let him get excited and tell everyone. And if you get to the point of starting to show you can take a pregnancy test with him and say "well I did wonder but I didn't want to jinx it". Sort of lying but sort of not...

Original poster
Cheeseandcrisps · 02/06/2018 02:54

The first miscarriage was at 13 weeks the 2nd was at 8 weeks the other 3 have been much earlier stages wirh the earliest being at 4 weeks so if I had to hazard a guess i would say if another miscarriage is my face then it will be very soon.

I wouldn't fake the whole pregnancy test thing I wouldn't need to I would just tell him when ready and then sit him down and tell him the truth and my reasons for doing it I think his excitement would take over. We don't really have cross words over anything and I think he would get that I was just trying to protect him.

OP posts:
HPandBaconSandwiches · 02/06/2018 02:57

Do what ever makes this easier on you. I’m so sorry for your losses.
If your miscarriages have been later on though, you may need to be prepared to lie, rather than just conceal if all goes well. Could you afford a private scan then only tell him after that, with a guess what I’ve had a positive test and the GP thinks I’ll need a dating scan...
Other people knowing made my MC so much harder. I would conceal too FWIW.

Cross fingers for a sticky one. Hope you’ve been properly reviewed by a specialist too. Flowers

Original poster
Cheeseandcrisps · 02/06/2018 03:04

I have no idea how far along I am.. my last period was forced by northisterone which I took for holiday last month wasn't expecting to get pregnant simply because me and Dh have really been trying or having a lot of sex at all so i will need to see someone I couldn't do for a scan without Dh though I wouldn't be able to look at him. I've been taking folic acid anyway so that's one good thing and I do generally take very good care of myself apart from not sleeping too well at the moment. Just want this so much I know I have dd who is honestly my little miracle but just one more dc would complete us as a family.

Yes when other people know it does make it harder I felt like a total failure even though I knew they couldn't be my fault i blamed myself.

OP posts:
KirstenRaymonde · 02/06/2018 03:08

I don’t think you sound selfish at all, you obviously love your husband and want to be kind to him, and I completely get where you’re coming from. But if you don’t want him to tell anyone, that’s an issue you need to bring up with him. Your partnership should be a safe place to discusss anything and know it will be kept between the two of you. Can you tell him you understand his excitement but really need some privacy between the two of you in these early stages, as you don’t feel able to publically share another loss in the event it happens. Keeping a pregnancy between a couple alone is very normal up to 3-4 months, he should be able to do that for you.

KirstenRaymonde · 02/06/2018 03:10

You’re not in any way a failure. Please don’t think that. Pregnancy loss is so much more common than any of us talk about

HerRoyalNotness · 02/06/2018 03:15

I kept last pregnancy a secret, apart from people I saw in person (not many) as it was obvious. I didn’t tell family and friends that don’t live near us until DC had arrived safe and sound. For similar reasons to you, I couldn’t bear people asking constantly how it was going and if everything was alright. I just wanted to be in a bubble. As it was H told his mother and yep, the messages started.

Original poster
Cheeseandcrisps · 02/06/2018 03:16

I think if I sat him down seriously and told him to keep to himself he would find it hard but would respect my wishes.

Yes my dh always tells me that he says not enough people speak about it and for men it's even harder my dh broke down in work and rather then anyone sitting him down and talking to him they sent him home he said that although he has good friends he just never felt like it could really talk and get what was on his mind out and when he did try and mention it his mate would say something like oh mate that's so shit.

He's always said there should be more for parents in the way of support after a pregnancy loss with people who are properly trained and I agree with him it's like if it's mentioned everyone changes the subject me and dh always talk about the babies we have lost

OP posts:
Elmleaisnotcream · 02/06/2018 04:01

I don’t think YABU at all. Just wanted to mention NK cells. You can’t google it as it can often lead to multiple miscarriages (even when you’ve had a child) it is usually managed with steroids.

Elmleaisnotcream · 02/06/2018 04:03

Sorrry meant you can google it. Stands for natural killer cells (sounds scary but isn’t) I’ve had close indirect experience of it

Twirlywooos · 02/06/2018 04:09

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with keeping it to yourself for now if you want to. You sound like a lovely caring person, putting your husband first. Sorry to hear about your previous miscarriages. Please do get your NK cells looked at as Elmlea suggests and get your progesterone levels checked. It could make all the difference.

Original poster
Cheeseandcrisps · 02/06/2018 09:28

Thank you so much everyone for your advice and understanding. I have never heard of those nc cells i will definately get that checked maybe that is what's been going on would be nice finally have some answers so would this be a blood test?

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 02/06/2018 09:28

I Don't think you should keep it secret. You should tell him but tell him he MUST NOT tell anyone else yet.

Elmleaisnotcream · 02/06/2018 10:27

Your GP might not know how to refer you in this as it’s not widely understood and so you may need to push to get them to look into it.

MummySparkle · 02/06/2018 10:36

OP I'm really sorry for your losses, but it sounds like you and your DH are a really supportive couple.

I think the most important thing is for you to get a midwife / GP appointment ASAP so that you can be closely monitored. I would be tempted to wait until after your first appointment before telling DH, but not much longer. If you do have an early scan perhaps you could wait until then, but don't leave it months, I'd say a week or two tops. It's

Everything crossed that this is a sticky one for you Flowers

RoseanneBarred · 02/06/2018 11:17

I think you should tell him.

If he was the possessor of a secret of this magnitude that would directly affect you, you would definitely want to know.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page