To ask if you can have a healthy sex life after assault?

[wavesss]

I’m starting to feel like I will never be able to have a healthy, -normal- relationship with sex. I experienced sexual violence as a teenager.

I’ve had therapy and have a very gentle, supportive partner. Been together nearly 10 years. We communicate very openly. But I just can’t relax. Sometimes I feel like it and then during just need it to stop immediately. Sometimes I enjoy the act but then afterwards feel really awful and disgusting. Most often though I just don’t want to do it at all. I feel so bad for my partner.

Has anyone experienced this and come through the other side? What helped?

After trauma you can be fine then suddenly not then be fine again, there seemingly is no pattern to it but actually there probably is but you haven't connected the "triggers" yet or realised it might be dictated by low mood or even feeling like sex is expected.

Have you tried pulling back from the sexual act for a while? By that I mean things that you can do together like cuddling or kissing or massage but that don't then lead to sexual activity.

Being close and being touched without the pressure of the next step might help to make you feel safe once that happens you can be in control of when it's time to take that next step.

Communication with your partner is key, if he loves you and is respectful he will do this with you and you both are being a team rather than you always feeling that you need to be ok or not disappoint him.

You can.

I think different things will help different people.

I don't think my own method was the most conventional and I'm not going to write it down as may trigger... but it worked for me over therapy. And of course I think the partner I had played a big part in me getting past things.

Try not to pressurise yourself. Your partner is understanding... you don't need to take on extra guilt over someone else's sexual desires. The partner you have is not asking you to do that to yourself