to not have friends?

[magickunicorn]

I am 40 and if I am really honest I don't really have any friends. I am still in touch with a few people I was at university with but they mostly life in other cities and other countries now and most of them I only see once every few years if that, we normally just keep in touch via the odd email and christmas card. I have one friend from this time who lives in a city a bit closer to me and I see her a few times a year.

I did have a friend in the same city as me but things have fizzled out in the past year.

The thing is I don't really mind that much. I am kind of a loner anyway, I do have a husband but I don't have children and don't want any. I enjoy spending time with my husband but a lot of the time I find other people stressful to be around. If I am doing something like shopping, or going to an art gallery I actually prefer doing that alone because I can just focus more on what I am doing. Usually if I was with a friend they would always be talking about something and it would distract me and I would have to go back and see the show again or go out shopping again alone so I could focus.

I think most of my friendships have come from a time where I was working closely with others so at school, uni or a job and I would just get more used to and relaxed around a person I saw so often however when this period of being together all the time ended I sort of lose my feeling of being at ease with another person and start to feel a bit self conscious about myself and what I had to say.

I often feel that what I am saying is a bit stupid and boring and my mum always told me not to tell people about your problems because nobody is interested. I think this is true and I often find people want you to listen to their problems and stories but if you share something with them they seem pretty uninterested!

I guess there are things I would like to talk about with people like art, politics, philosophy etc, I mean not all the time but sometimes but thats really hard to find. If I read a book say on politics or comparative religion and try to discuss the ideas or themes of the book with anyone they look at me like I am mad.

I guess what I am saying is that I find it hard to find the sort of friendship I think I could do well at, even though I know people who read and have bookshelves full of interesting books they never want to discuss any of them. I did try a book group a few years ago but it was very limited and more an excuse for wine and a gossip.

Anyway aside from all that I am actually ok just on my own, I work from home alone and spend time with my husband at night and at the weekend. I am pretty happy I listen to audiobooks, I read, write, I go out and so things I enjoy by myself and I never feel lonely so am I ok just to forget about friends? I guess I just worry because they always say how important friends are to your health and so on and I suppose I do worry I might go a bit strange if I am alone so much. It just feels like it might be better just to accept that I am unlikely to find friends I truly gel with rather than trying for the sake of it and ending up frustrated?

Wow, super long, sorry about that I am not so long winded in real life just trying to get it all out there!

I think as long as you're happy there isn't any real harm - people get their emotional needs met in different ways, and there's no rule that says you have to have friends for any part of that.

One thing that might be worth considering is how you would be if you are one day (hopefuly a very long time in the future) widowed? if such a thing came to pass you might seek more from friendships then.

We don’t have friends either. We like our own company and are not very sociable. We like doing things with the family but we are not constantly in each other’s pockets. None of my 3DCs have friends. Their partners tend to socialise with quite a large circle of their own friends while mine stay home with their DCs.

I know lots of people make friends of colleagues, meet people on holiday and keep in touch, but we have never done that. I think it is a lot more common than you think?

@magickunicorn

I often find people want you to listen to their problems and stories but if you share something with them they seem pretty uninterested!

I find this too. If I come across any emotional vampires or users than I am quick to bin them. I don't have the time to provide support services (!)

The Shape of Eve, Thanks for responding. Yes I think about that too. I did try to maintain a 10 year friendship that used to be really good even when it stopped working because I felt that friends were objectively important and I did and still do care for that friend but they still pretty much dumped me because I didn't fit in with their scene anymore.

Yes I do worry in the future I will be lonely, I think I would be if had literally nobody but friendship isn't something I can force and its no fun flogging a dead horse.

Granny Garden, yes my parents were both loners as were my siblings and my husband is a bit of a loner too. Perhaps it is more common than you think although it always feels like most people have friends.

eggsandchips, I think because I am quite placid and sensitive I do sometimes attract people like this I don't think I am submissive or a pushover. It mostly seems to happen with people I have been friends with for ages, even my mum to be honest they could moan at me for hours but the minute I say anything suddenly they have to run.

As long as you'll still be OK and happy if you end up without your husband then fine.

If not, being single and friendless is a pitiful existence.

brizzledrizzle, I can see that being widowed and friendless would be hard. But when it comes to friends I haven't been lucky. For example a close friend who I helped escape from an abusive relationship both financially and physically in our 20's dropped me like a hot potato when I became depressed for a period of time a few years later she said I was "no fun anymore". I've also had other long standing friends drop me when they became more successful or wealthier. One time I had met my oldest friend for dinner and to see a film while we were sitting having tea and catching up in walked some more glamorous friends of hers, she went over to speak to them and then came back to get her bag and said she was going to go with them and she would call me another time. I'd even already bought the cinema tickets.

Those are extreme examples but its hard to keep pursuing something when it feels like your pissing against the wind.

Yeah, don't I know it.

I am a bit like you and don't have many friends, but I do have a couple of very good ones. I think not being fussed about it was helps, because it gives you the option of not pushing a friendship with someone you don't really click with, on a personal level as well as shared interests etc. (It also means you can comfortably ditch people who treat you badly like that awful woman at the cinema - who the hell does that?!)

My parents don't have friends. They're happy with just each other, which is lovely, but as they get older I do worry about how one of them would cope if something happened to the other, especially as neither of them are close to extended family and their only child (me!) lives several hours away.