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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend bringing someone else to day out

21 replies

Outbackshack · 31/05/2018 17:52

Due to go to a spa tomorrow with close friend. Been booked for ages. Texting her today to confirm times etc and she drops into the conversation that a friend of hers (lets call her tracey) has also booked for the same day. I don't know Tracey, have met her briefly so I feel like this really changes the dynamic of the group. And not in a good way for me. I'm also very aware of my weight and size and as ridiculous as it sounds Tracey is very slim which I know will make me feel even more overweight (this is my issue I am aware). So AIBU to be a bit annoyed that the day has effectively been gatecrashed?

OP posts:

Ohmydayslove · 31/05/2018 17:55

Well did she ask Tracey or is it a coincidence she just found out.

If it’s the first then yes it’s rude as if your company isn’t good enough but if the second she could t control that and is maybe just giving you a heads up?

Original poster

Outbackshack · 31/05/2018 17:57

It is just Tracey on her own, no other friends so assume she asked her.

OP posts:

Ploppymoodypants · 31/05/2018 17:58

Hmmm, I totally understand how you feel and friend should have checked with you first.
But... I have made some of my very best friends this way. I.e. one of us gatecrashed a day out with another friend and we just hit it off. I have 3 friends like this. I like to think of them as ‘Pre approved’ friends.

So it might all work out okay. And also for all you know ‘Tracey’ may have just as many body insecurities as you. Just in a different way

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/05/2018 17:58

Is it possible it’s a coincidence that’s come to light before the day? It’s disappointing. I might text and say “what a coincidence. I was looking forward to having you all to myself but I suppose there’s no harm in spending some time with your friend from work”.

GloGirl · 31/05/2018 18:02

Yanbu I'd be really annoyed but then I'm a misery who doesn't love company!

WhiteFreesias · 31/05/2018 18:11

Lots of more the merrier types will be along soon. I'm a less is more type. I'd hate to have plans with a close friend changed like this and would cancel if that was possible.

I have a good friend that brings randoms on our meet ups. I don't meet her unless our other mutual friends are invited.

Even a mutual friend would change the dynamic of this day for me.

QuoadUltra · 31/05/2018 18:14

Let it go.

Honestly, this is all about how you approach it. If you tell yourself it will be extra fun, then it will be. If you get grumpy, you are spoiling it for yourself.

Tracey might be really in need of a spa day.

HoHoHoHo · 31/05/2018 18:15

Keep an open mind. Tracey might turn into a great pal. I think a lot of people end up lonely as they get older because they stop making new friends in their 30s and it's a shame.

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2018 18:17

Tracey might be really in need of a spa day

Hardly the OP's problem.

If you make arrangements with a particular friend it is rude to invite someone else without discussion first, and if you know your friend is going out with one of their friends (especially if you don't really know them), it's rude to invite yourself along.

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2018 18:18

It's a spa day. For relaxing, for chatting with old friends. For having a catch up. For not looking your best.

Not for widening your social circle (especially when you don't want to)

confusedlittleone · 31/05/2018 18:25

I often book spa days alone- it's the only time I can ever actually think 😂 I wouldn't dream of asking everyone I'm friends with/work with if they're possibly going on the same day before booking.

NataliaOsipova · 31/05/2018 18:32

No - I'd be annoyed at this as well. The last time someone did this to me I cancelled on her! Not in anger, or anything like that, but just because I was making an effort to make the time to go for lunch with her and I really didn't feel like having lunch with the person she'd asked along.

Some things are "the more the merrier". Eg A group of us are going to try a new bar - would you like to come? Then it's fine to ask someone else along as it's already a fluid group. But a special and one to one arrangement? No. It completely changes the dynamic.

Original poster

Outbackshack · 31/05/2018 18:40

Thank you for the responses, glad to see most people feel the same. If I had known it was a more than us thing I wouldn't have gone. Will put a positive face on and pretend all ok but know I would have enjoyed it more as a duo.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 31/05/2018 18:43

Is it possible that Tracey has gatecrashed? Maybe your friend mentioned she’s got a day off to go to the spa and next day Tracey announces that, guess what, she’s booked for the same day!

Either way I’d be put out.

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2018 18:44

So why don't you say something?

OliviaBenson · 31/05/2018 19:06

I'd have to say something. This would really annoy me

Ohmydayslove · 31/05/2018 19:12

From your update op I would be pissed off too. It’s on a par with a girls catch up and some saddo brings her dh. Not what was planned and changed the dynamic.

couchparsnip · 31/05/2018 19:16

I would be annoyed about this too. I am not one of those people that is instantly comfortable with new people and I'd be on edge all day.

Maelstrop · 31/05/2018 19:19

Can you cancel? I would hate this.

SendintheArdwolves · 31/05/2018 19:28

Have you read the Captain Awkward blog, OP? It's basically all about how to assert your boundaries in just this sort of situation - where you feel hurt/steamrollered/unhappy but also under pressure not to say anything because then you'll be made to feel like the bad guy or like you're being unkind or unfriendly.

If I was you, I would say to my friend something like:

"Oh. That's weird that Tracy is coming. Is it a coincidence, or did she just invite herself along?"
Friend will either say "Yep, she sort of invited herself. I didn't know how to say no. I'm really sorry" or more likely "I invited her!"
Then you say something like "Right. Well, obviously it's done now, but I was really looking forward to hanging out just with you. Could you let me know in future if you're planning to bring someone along?"

Original poster

Outbackshack · 31/05/2018 20:09

Thanks for the advice, I will read the Captain Awkward blog. Will speak to friend face to face tomorrow, sometimes tone is hard to convey in messages. I can't afford the loss of money cancelling so will be going still. Im viewing it as relaxation still as I have treatments alone plus I can always read!

OP posts:

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