To be worried - 6 year old says “okay you can kill me” when being told off

[Whisperingwinds]

So my six year old DD can be quite volatile and have amazing tantrums - she is perfectly behaved 95% of the time but doesn’t struggle to control /manage her negative emotions

So today we had a all out tantrum and after a while of being patient I lost it and told her she needed to stop screaming and back calm down - she then starts wailing sorryyy and say she okay you can kill me - this really took me aback and we never speak like that at home and I am not sure why she said it. She has tired herself out and slept off now - her tantrum today wasn’t much longer than normal and her saying that to me
Worried me too - AIBU to be worried! Help! She can be difficult to manage her when she is in meltdown mode and I have shared my concerns with a GP before and was assured it was all normal high spirited only child behaviour.

Sounds like something from a cartoon of kids show. They like to try new things out to throw you off guard!

Speak to her when she is calm and try to teach her to techniques to calm down when the red mist descends.

@AsAProfessionalFekko thanks ! They do know how to throw us off don’t they ? I am struggling to help her cope some days - she can have long conversations about calming down and coping when she is calm but feels like when the red mist descends nothing helps until I snap and say something I don’t mean to some days :(

DS did try the whole teen 'thats it, I'm running away!' thing - I found that the only way to deal with this was to either say 'oh that's nice dear...' Or laugh 'so where will you go then? Can you afford the rent it will you loiter at the train station?'

When he sees that he isn't getting a rise (or winding me up) then he reverts to normality.

Don't worry too much, OP. Clearly she has thought up THE most dramatic expression, as befits the situation
I have 3 girls, so know a bit about these things

Interesting... my almost 6 he old DS does the same. Good to know we're not the only ones huh?

My 6 year old DS is like this - he's a full on drama queen and sometimes he'll just say 'fine I'll
Just kill myself then' or 'fine I'll just go away forever' and 'you don't love me anymore'

It breaks my heart and we discuss and talk about it afterwards but it still continues

I explained the brain to my DC - it transformed his ability to manage his emotions. Happy to share if helpful.

My 6 year old DD is also pretty dramatic and rather sensitive. She sometimes throws around "I'll just kill myself then! You'd like it better if I was dead" if I tell her off. At first I was pretty shocked (I don't remember coming out with that one until I was a teenager) but now I just tell her not to be silly and reiterate why I'm telling her off. She soon gets over it

So glad to know I am not alone! Her whole “I will find another family” “you don’t even love me”
And today’s zinger got me a bit worried !

@SmileEachDay please do share ! DD is very logical so this might help.

Could she have overheard a child/teen being told off by a parent saying “I could kill you” and got it from there?

@MissionItsPossible - I doubt it as it seems a bit extreme for a parent to say that to a child? She has woken up
Now calm after a nap and when I asked her why she said
That she says it’s because her heart was
Broken and hearts don’t work when they are
Broken 😶

@Whisperingwinds
I suggested it because round these parts that’s normal language
Although with the stuff that come out of some of the kids mouths

My older DD is the same - goes from ' I love you soooo much mummy you're the best in the whole world' with messages, drawings etc to 'I hate you you hate me I hate my family and I will kill myself'...usually for ridiculous arguments/minor telling offs....she is 6yrs old...

Just a drama queen, practising for when she's older! Wait til she hits the teen years!

She is just feeling shame. I doubt she is clinically depressed and suicidal!!

Sounds like my 8 year old.

On Sunday I was the best mummy ever for buying her a new bike, the worst mummy ever for suggesting she ride said bike, the best mummy again because she got pizza for lunch then the worst mummy because I said no more sweets!

It's bloody exhausting and if she's this bad now I'm saving for boarding school when she she turns 11 (the age I hit puberty)

Thanks for all the replies everyone ! We are now back to “ I love you Mum - you are the best - am the luckiest “ sigh - am dreading the teenage years @singlenotsingle
@carycach100 I will admit I do worry if am missing any signs sometimes -
I wish kids came with a user manual. 😂😂

I explained that the brain has two parts. The reptilian bit in the middle - which is the bit that keeps you alive but also isn’t very good at thinking things through (we call that bit Panicky Patrick - dc chose the name) and the thinking bit around the outside which is great at language, maths, science, thinking - but doesn’t keep you alive so well (she’s called Sensible Sally in our house). We then represented the brain as a fist, clenched around your thumb - thumb is Patrick, outside fingers are Sally. If you “flip your lid” (straighten fingers quickly) it puts Patrick in control, which means you can’t think, because Sally isn’t connected.
We practiced this - talking about what Patrick or Sally might do, about which things we do have Patrick or Sally in charge.

Now, when dc is “flipping his lid” I can clench my fist, and he does too - and we can get Sensible Sally back on board - sometimes by direct “what would sensible Sally tell you to do” convos, sometimes by getting Sally back in charge by employing his thinking skills (tell me 3 animals that are two colours and one that is 3 colours - anything that requires him to actually think).

It’s actually a bit magical, the way it has helped him make the connection between his emotions and his actions. As soon as he’s calm, it’s then super easy for him to articulate what was going on for him.

Hope that description makes sense!

@SmileEachDay that’s brilliant thank you !
I will try this with DD tomorrow when we are all not thinking of flipping the Lid so my drama queen doesn’t see it as part of being told off

That's a really useful tool, smile, thank you.

Whispering - yes, that’s a good idea. The fist action really seemed to help dc “get it” - in fact on a couple of occasions I’ve seen him doing it himself, if he’s getting frustrated by something!
He is a proper science kid, which helps - knowing how things work matters to him.

@smileEachDay DD is quite logical too and not knowing how things work logically frustrates her -
She is happy when world makes sense 🙂 I will report back on how the chat went.

Google OverExcitability. Or OEs.
A lot of children have these intensities of emotion and just need help dealing with their emotions.

It does sound like she has difficulty managing her emotions and calming down. I was similar as a child the things is I definitely felt bad about it but genuinely didn't know how to calm myself down. I think being told off for it won't help if she's really struggling to control her emotions it'll just increase the shame she feels. Sometimes something sensory can help (or make it worse depending on the child!). With my eldest DC I do a "palm reading" where I gently trace out the lines on his hand, usually calms him down, he's now more able to calm himself down.

@AllMySmellySocks it’s the balance I struggle with - while I understand she is having difficulty controlling her emotions I also don’t want her to think that her behaviour is acceptable when it isn’t - by this I Eman when she is rude or does something hurtful - not the actual meltdown itself. I will google more techniques -
I do try to be patient but it can be exhausting -
I will try the palm tracing