To find it hard to talk to my pregnant friend following my miscarriage

[Panoramarama]

I had a miscarriage in Jan. My friend and I got pregnant within a few weeks of each other. She's now in her 3rd trimester and has had a straight forward, healthy pregnancy.

I'm thrilled for her of course, but find it incredibly hard to ask about and hear about her progress, names, scans etc. We are close but live on opposite sides of the world at the moment so it's just WhatsApp, not a case of avoiding meeting etc.

I feel dreadful for not checking in more but it's just so painful to hear. Each time I take days to reply, I apologize. She's been very good about it and not made a fuss. I think she gets it, but I feel trapped between wanting to be a good friend and still feeling the need for self preservation.

What would you do?

I haven't been where toy are, but you need the self preservation to keep yourself sane. Looking after yourself isn't being a bad friend and she sounds like she gets it, as much as she can.

Maybe think about how you're going to cope on your due date and when she has her baby, and tell her what well be the best way to tell you she's had the baby. She sounds like she loves you lots xx

I've been on both sides. Dealing with a miscarriage when close friends were pregnant and vice versa.

My advice would be just tell her. Be honest in that you are happy for her, you want to share her joy but it's difficult for you. It sounds like she gets this already but maybe telling her will help get the guilt off your shoulders?

You need to take the time you need and she sounds like a friend who would understand that x

Thank you. Yes, I totally see what you both mean. I need to think about how to talk about this with her. Am dreading my due date and - sounds mean - but not looking forward to seeing pictures of her little one. Saw a picture of a colleague's new baby yesterday and it flawed me. Thank you both for the advice

Floored* even - Freudian slip there!

YANBU at all. This happened to me and a friend - her pregnancy continued successfully and mine didn’t. I was lucky enough to fall pregnant again quickly and now have a healthy baby but I still feel a twinge when I see pictures of her older baby. I do still wonder what the baby would have been like.

I had a counsellor who was excellent and said that self preservation is necessary for a lot of women who go through pregnancy loss - do what you need to do.

Hugs, I’m so sorry for your loss xx

I’m sorry for your loss. You may find it easier when the baby is actually here - I know I do (no miscarriages but infertility). I did have to ask my sibling to go easy with the new baby photos though. If you can bring yourself to, best option is to be completely honest with her - “I’m thrilled for you but I find pregnancy/baby details bring up my own loss too so hope you don’t mind if I don’t always respond in detail or if I’m a bit quiet at times. I really love you and your baby.” That way she can be more sensitive; if you don’t say anything but then at times feel hurt and don’t respond, she might be more likely to feel slighted. If you’ve been honest with her she will most likely not be upset personally (unless she’s unreasonable!). I haven’t always done the honest thing with friends but I’ve always taken a step back in pregnancies as that’s what I have to do for my own mental health. So far all seem to have forgiven me.

I'm really sorry for your loss, and YANBU at all to find this hard. As a PP said, it might actually be easier when baby's here. I had a similar situation with my brother and SIL - their baby was due about two weeks before my first miscarriage would have been, and I miscarried another two times during her pregnancy - and I found the final stages of her pregnancy incredibly hard, but as soon as my nephew was born and was an amazing little person in his own right rather than just a reminder of what I didn't have it was so, so much easier.

I think you should trust your friend to be understanding - she has been so far, it seems - and not feel guilty about having needed this step back. She'll have had lots of other people to make a fuss and ask her lots of questions - she doesn't need you to upset yourself, and it sounds like she's a good enough friend that she wouldn't want you to.

It might make you feel better to have a plan for when her baby arrives. Figure out what you can and can't manage - e.g., could you send a gift voucher if you want to get a present, rather than have to shop and look at baby things? That way you'll have a way to show you care but without forcing yourself to do things you just aren't ready for.

Thank you all for your kind words, it really helps put things in perspective.

The gift voucher rather than present is a fantastic idea Lisasimpsonsbff. I'd not thought about those kind of practicalities. Part of me would love to rummage for baby things but I know I'd regret it.

It's really interesting to hear what the counsellor said, Cadburyegg. I think it might be time to look into speaking to someone too.

I think your reaction is completely understandable and anyone could agree with this.

My friend and I were pregnant together. I had a baby girl and a week later her baby girl was still born.

She didn’t want to see us or our baby and I completely understood. It took her 7 years to get back in touch.

You take any steps you need to protect yourself op and I am so sorry for your loss

I’ve been here too, and like a previous poster found it much easier once my friends baby was actually here. When she was still pg it was too difficult as I desperately wanted it to be me too. But when her baby was born, I didn’t want her actual baby, so the craving for what she had subsided.

Not sure that makes much sense. Our friendship did survive though (now years later)

I had a friend who announced her pregnancy to me (she was about 7 weeks) while I was miscarrying. She knew I was miscarrying and went out of her way to tell me long before she told anyone else. Not friends anymore!

I cut her off quicker than you can say “what a bitch.”

Do what you need to do. X

Lamerde

Indeed what a bloody bitch

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I was in the same situation but got through it as my friend had had a previous MC and I knew how much this pregnancy meant to her.

As it happened, I fell pregnant again when she was 8 months gone and we both now have toddlers!

I really hope that you too will find happiness in the future. X

@ohmydayslove

Thank you! You do see really strange sides to people sometimes

Miscarriages are just so personal. Your grief and reaction to your miscarriage is personal to you. You must look after yourself. I actually found the physical aspect of it much much much more difficult than I’d anticipated or ever thought a miscarriage would be. The pain, the amount of blood and just the general physical pain was awful. I’d always kind of known how emotionally draining it could be so was thankfully quite prepared for that. Physically though I was destroyed.

No advice here just to say I know how you feel. I lost 2 babies and had years of infertility, it cut me to pieces every time a friend had a baby. It was so hard to be pleased for them and I felt so guilty that I wasn’t. But self-preservation is so important. I hope it all works out for you like it did for me, I have 2 lovely DCs now, and I think I appreciate them all the more after what I went through.