To think there's no point admitting when you're struggling

[justthreemoreweeks]

Because nobody pays any notice to you anyway?

Regular poster here but have NC for this because it's potentially outing.

I'm in the last three weeks of a shitty pregnancy and really struggling to keep going. I have a DS with ASD, who's currently on half term from nursery so I get absolutely no respite this week. My mental health has plummeted, and continues to deteriorate. I still have HG. I can't sleep. I'm HUGE. It's hot out. And I've caught some horrid ear/throat infection thing from DS which is laying me ultra low.

DH has been great but has two big jobs away from home before returning on Friday to work from home for about 6 weeks (he's self employed, so reasonably flexible). So I'm at home, ill, huge and alone with DS.

We recently moved to a new area so I don't have a support network here, but my DF is in the area this week, about 30 mins away, staying at a family rental property on a kind of holiday with his partner of 7 years and her daughter's family (mum, dad, three kids). This family live v close to DF and his partner and he sees them at least once a week. This is his third holiday since Feb, btw.

He's been here a week and hasn't once offered to come and see me and DS, even though DS adores him and hasn't seen him since February. I broke down on the phone to him two nights ago (he called me) and admitted the extent to which I'd been struggling (perinatal mental health getting involved) and his replies were just of the 'not long to go', 'you'll get through this' patter. He then started telling me all about the kids he was with and how much they'd enjoyed their days out. Part of me was wanting to scream 'And why couldn't DS go along too, seeing as you're so close?!' but I'm just too beaten down atm to start a fight.

I tried to call DF today because he'd made noncommittal noises about 'popping by' later this week and I wanted to see if that was going to happen, but he just cut my phone off as it rang.

I'm so hurt because I'm very self sufficient under normal circumstances. I manage very well with no help from family. But when the chips actually are really down, it doesn't seem like I have anyone to turn to aside from DH, and that's a very sad and lonely feeling.

Part of me thinks I should reduce contact and keep conversation with DF to general chit chat from now on, because he clearly can't deal with any kind of emotional responsibility,

I guess IABU then.

It sounds like you’re having a really shit time OP, and your DF isn’t helping at all

What would help? Small things to help you feel better, like making changes to boost your confidence? Are there support groups locally for families with autistic children? They might be a good place to go if you’re feeling overwhelmed and alone (my kids are autistic which is why I ask).

I’m sorry your dad is being so crap and rubbing the other family in your face

I've reached out to the midwife twice already this week and heard nothing back, nothing hysterical, just letting her know that my MH has taken a downturn and that I'm not coping. Not really sure where to turn now.

DH in constant contact all day, so he's keeping an eye on me, but he won't be here until Friday.

My big fear is that my DF will suggest his WHOLE holiday party 'popping over' and that I'll have to host 4 adults and 3 small kids, and my own kid. I just don't think I could cope with that.

Your dad sounds irresponsible and self absorbed, but I don't think you can generalise to the entire human race from one twat!

How long have you been where you are? I've actually found aquaintances and neighbors especially with same age kids astonishingly helpful and pleased to help in a punch, and am also happy to help out a mum I only slightly know most of the time. That does depend exactly how tricky it would be changed for an acquaintance to look after your ds of course, and whether you know people to chat to at least!

If you really need a break a paid babysitter could also be an option, or chat to your health visitor, there may also be something she can suggest.

*in a pinch not a punch!

Couldn't read and run OP, and for you.

I don't think I can think of anything helpful to say, other than I can remember feeling like this about this time last year when I was massive and overdue with DS. Your situation with your DS sounds much much harder, but I can sympathise.

I was overdue during the heatwave last year and I had horrendous hayfever which of course I couldn't take anything for. I know that probably sounds a bit lame, but think eyes completely glued shut with gunk, sneezing constantly (probs over 100 times a day!), sore throat, headache, just rubbish. DS was 9 and a half pounds, so I really was massive!

My mum lives half an hour away, doesn't work, drives. Would she come and see me? Would she hell! It was the same when DS was born, wouldn't come to see me. When DSIL had her baby 5 weeks later it was a completely different story, mum told me that she really couldn't visit me now because she needed to be 'on hand' for DSIL!! When I had a bit of a breakdown about it over the phone she told me I was being hormonal

Not meaning to hijack your thread with a rant about myself (promise ) but you are totally not alone, not unreasonable and I totally get how you feel.

Oh I’m sorry the MW hasn’t been in touch, that’s really crappy. When is your next appointment with the MW? Or could you call and ask to have a new MW assigned if she’s not supportive?

I’m glad your DH is being supportive, although I know how lonely it can be when they’re working away so I get that it’s not really much help

Argh yes that does sound awful! Can he come on his own? Even if it takes you having a pop and saying you just want your dad to be your dad and your child’s grandad in between entertaining everyone else?

I’m sorry I don’t have better advice

DF has never offered to go on holiday with any of his own DC. He goes away with his partner and her kids at least once a year. It's just laziness. She organises everything, he just nods along and agrees for a quiet life. He spends every Christmas with them. They all live in each other's pockets in a town about 100 miles away, it's not like they desperately need quality time together.

He's picked the path of least resistance, at the expense of his own family.

I've been there OP, though fortunately I didn't have to deal with ASD on top of everything else, but it was a relentlessly horrible second HG pregnancy with no support network. Iinitial help Anne sympathy quickly evaporated. Eventually I told, practically begged family for help and everyone was 'busy', or when they did visit expected me to cook and clean for them. It's just horrible and I don't think I will ever forget that nobody was really there. I think they thought I was a hormonal pregnant woman who should just get on with it. They really didn't understand HG at all. It also set me up nicely for feeling horribly isolated and resentful once baby2 arrived which isn't great for mental health.

Have you told your dad how you're feeling and that you really really need a hand right now? If he's proving totally useless could somewhere like homestart help?

Just wanted to offer my sympathy and a handhold really. I'm so sorry things are so shit.

OP,you are not being unreasonable at all.
Your father needs a wake up call pronto.
I wish I could help!
Can you get an appointment at your g.p?see if they can offer some advice or help in getting hold of midwife if she works from the surgery.
Are there any nurseries who could take your lo for a morning or afternoon?
I know this doesn't help much but things will change and improve.
If you'd like a chat in happy to pm.🌻

Bless you, I can imagine that's an awful feeling. Especially when you're juggling so much! I would send a message to your dad asking if he can take your DS out/ come to your house for a few hours tomorrow and help you out as you're really run down and feeling ill. Back him in to a corner so you can get some well needed respite!

I'm sorry you're struggling. I wish I could help!

so sorry op sounds crap Can you reach out to your Go at all and get a appointment I would also call your health visitor and explain to see if she can help and offer support and also homestart to see if someone can come and help you. Sorry your dad is being so rubbish do you have any other family who you feel able to talk to. Also not for now or anything but I've joined a parents meet up app called mush and it's all local parents from your area and you can chat/ go to meet ups/ ask questions ECT just thought it might be a idea for later if you don't know anyone in the area yet

I can't really explain to you the ways in which my DF has seemed to shrink before our eyes in the last six years. It's incredibly upsetting to witness. This is the man that used to give me a wake up call EVERY morning when I was at uni, who used to quiz me about my friends and what I was up to. Since DM died he just wants 'a quiet life' - which seems to translate to 'only dealing with things that he considers pleasant'. My siblings are furious with him. I'm just very sad about it all. Especially because DS adores him.

DS is his only grandchild too.

It sounds like you're having a really tough time and it's understandable that you are upset.
Unfortunately if you are apparently very calmly letting your MW know that you're not doing so well they won't get how bad you actually are. Many of us are too good at being polite so we don't advocate for ourselves as well as we would for others. If your DS was ill you'd shout until someone heard you but because it's for yourself maybe you're not making enough of a fuss!
If you feel like sobbing down the phone then that's what you should do, it's the only way for them to understand.

If I were you I would outright ask your DF if they could help you by taking your son one day even if it's just for a couple of hours. It's not being a CF to ask your own family for help when you're struggling and given a direct request he might surprise you.

Whatever happens I hope you get some respite, it sounds like your DH is supportive but itust be difficult for both of you when he's away.

I agree you need to just tell him that he needs to have your ds with him some of the time while he is there, that you are really in need right now and he can help and so therefore should help.
I also agree a cry down the phone to the health visitor is also required.

Ultimately though a paid babysitter is the only absolutely guaranteed solution.

How are you doing today OP?