My kids stress me so much and I feel awful. How do I keep calm with every day stress?

[ThaiRedCurry]

I want to begin by saying I love my babies so very much I really do. I feel so much guilt continuously for losing my shit and being a not very nice person to be around. I'm not blaming my depression but I do suffer with anxiety and depression so my stress turns into anger so quickly.
Background info; I have a DD1 who is 13 months, she's full of life, character and so much fun. But she does have a very short attention span and demands my constant attention. She whinges if I leave the room for 20 seconds and sometimes she throws herself on the floor and has tantrums like a toddler. I also have a 3 week old baby boy. I have had to stop breast feeding and put him into formula as he screamed for a week and a half straight. I figured out it was reflux so he now has formula and carobel and he is much better on this.
I find mornings such a struggle, my DS wakes up and then wakes up my DD who then screams until I get her out of her cot for breakfast. I have to try juggle getting her breakfast ready whilst DS shouts for his nappy to be changed and his bottle. Then it's trying to juggle getting them both dressed and me showered and dressed. They literally take it in turns to scream and shout whilst I'm trying my best to get sorted and my DD to nursery on time. (She goes twice a week) By the time I've got in the car I'm reduced to tears, DD has normally been shouted at by me and is crying and I feel like I've neglected DS.
I'm literally like an elastic band stretching and stretching until I then snap and I go ballistic. It's awful. Once this has happened I spend the day in a foul mood and feel that everything is going wrong. It obviously doesn't help that I'm tired but i honestly don't know how many more times I can do this. I know babies are hard work I just want ways of trying to cope better.
Thanks x

Do you have a partner? What support are you getting? Two babies essentially under a year is very difficult, have you spoken to anyone about your mental health?

Poor you, that is so hard. You have to have a mantra that there's only so much you can do. Don't worry if one has to shout a bit whilst you're helping the other.

Parenting is always challenging but it gets easier than this very demanding stage. Be kind to yourself, what you're doing is good enough and do ask people for help.

One day you'll look back on this and wonder how you managed it - but you will!

I would cut yourself some slack. It is absolutely normal to be stressed by two very young children . If you want practical advice I found the book ‘Coping with Two’ extremely helpful. Although I did have a much larger gap, it does have lots of tips on how to cope with mornings etc and covers small age gaps as well.

It may be too early but if you can manage to get out to a playgroup or similar (ideally one that runs in school holidays as the long summer break is coming up) then you may we’ll find lots of help in terms of someone to hold your baby or chase after your 13 month old .

Not judging but u shouldn't be shouting at 2 baby's for ure issues u need a better routine leave daughter sleeping do everything for baby and lie him down make breakfast then do daughter put her down have ure clothes out in living room the nyt before get changed put kids in car seats go upstairs wash face brush teeth or do this when u first get up up put kids in car u will be less stressed when u have them quite close in age routine is so important it makes life easier and don't pick them up when ever they moan

A 3 week old baby doesn’t scream and shout. Stop trying to do everything, stick CBeebies on for the 1 year old, feed the baby in front of the tv in your pj’s and then go and have a shower and some tea. You’ve literally just had a baby. Relax.

I've got two small children, not the same age (2years 8months and 4.5months) and those first few weeks are hard! I found myself snapping as well , it's a really steep learning curve learning how to juggle 2! My advice is to acknowledge what it is that is causing you stress - I know it feels like the whole day right now but there might be specific things, for example is it having to rush getting ready on a morning? Could you shower the night before? Does your DD have to attend nursery right now or could she have a bit of time off from it so you don't have to get up and get ready those two mornings a week?
You have just had a baby as well remember to look after yourself as well(easier said than done!) and each week everything will get that little bit easier . What support do you have around you ? Hope you've managed some sleep OP xxxxxxx

Nb65988 - what ridiculous advice! You cannot strap two small children into their car seats and leave them downstairs while you get ready!

OP I feel your pain. I have two under two (17 months apart) and I never go a day without either shouting or crying. I start the day full of hope determined that today will be different and I will be a wonderful parent full of Mary Poppins esq joy and loveliness but then reality happens.

My youngest is now 5 months old and things have started to get better though. Your baby is only 3 weeks old and it takes time for the oldest to get used to the new dynamics and realise they have to share you.

I shower in the evening before bed as there’s no chance I’d get to in the morning. I organise my clothes the night before so I can just shove them on and I do my make up while the oldest is having breakfast as he is happily distracted by the food.

Babywearing was my saviour. I got a fabric sling and put the baby in that basically anytime they weren’t feeding. It meant I had two hands free to deal with the oldest and as the baby was close to me she was generally very chilled and calm.

Take loads of snacks everywhere you go. It helps to distract them and keep them still if you are out and about and need to feed/change nappy.

Also don’t feel guilty to plonk them in front of the tv. Cbeebies is your friend for now. And watching 20 mins of tv here and there throughout the day whilst you sort the baby or have 2 mins to yourself is not going to rot their brain. Also download CBeebies app on your phone for when you are out and about.

I have found playgroups really good and we are out of the house everyday. It entertains the oldest and also tires him out so he is much easier to deal with in the afternoons. Lots of the church run ones are cheap too £1.50 ish or free if you can’t afford it and you often get a cup of tea and a piece of cake. Plus regularly going to the same groups helps you to meet other mums. I don’t need new friends but I do appreciate a friendly face and little chat when I am at these things. Plus a bit of adult conversation can do wonders for your soul when all morning all you’ve heard is constant demands from the children.

And when everything gets too much I take the kids for a drive as after 10 mins or so of screaming they normally both fall asleep. I regularly go out for a drive just to get some peace and try and de stress without two demanding children competing for my attention.

Sometimes I feel like I will explode with frustration, tiredness, mental exhaustion and loneliness. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done but even on the shittest day the kids will do something that melts my heart and makes it all feel worth it.

You are doing an amazing job - even if you don’t feel like it. Hang in there.