Angry at SD about job and asking for money

[othership]

OH has children from previous relationships 2 of them are in their twenties. SD2 has been working in a call centre for about 18 months but for the last two months has decided not to go in due to mental health issues. In the beginning we supported taking that time off and praised her for noticing the signs of her getting low and work contributing to it. It’s become a piss take recently to be honest. Her work have had 2 meetings with her to make adjustments to help her come back to work including reducing hours of an already part time contract and phasing return as well as support getting back into things with some light retraining. After everyone of these meetings she’s told everyone she’ll be in the next week including her work and then decides on the Monday she’s not going. As of next week they’re having a serious meeting which is essentially a disciplinary meeting and it feels like they’re going to let her go. We have also gotten her a counsellor who has informed us she’s failed to show up to two £90 sessions that will need to be paid for - her excuse is she slept in.
With her car payment and other bills on the way she’s asked us for money to pay them and we’ve refused after covering them last month telling her it would need to be paid back in monthly instalments starting at the end of June (to give her May pay to budget) she’s gone in a massive strop saying we don’t support her mental health issues as well as other things such as OH has abandoned her to play happy family elsewhere (absolutely not the case at all up until we moved 3 hours away for his work we saw her and her siblings on a weekly basis now it’s every two weeks).
OH now feels bad and wants to give her the money now because of this but I don’t think we should and he said he feels I’m being unreasonable. Including the counsellors missed appointments (we don’t mind paying for them if she’s going to show up) it’ll be almost £500 we are giving out this month not to mention the £350 last month.

Is she an adult?
I personally think you have supported her well through her health issues. It sounds as though she now needs a boundary to help motivate her to get back on her feet. I don't think your DH is helping by giving her a bottomless resource to fall back on, however well meaning that is.

I would try not to be angry about it though. It's just a consequence of her feeling overwhelmed at the thought of pushing herself. You will still be supporting her, even without giving her the money. There are other ways to support her..lifts, meals, help with paperwork, etc.

OP mentally ill people are unpredictable and have no drive so it isn't surprising she hasn't done anything. If you pay for anything else like counselling then you (or someone else in the family) needs to take her to the appointments.

Also working in a call centre is soul destroying even if you are healthy so I'm not surprised she can't do the job anymore.

Your DH needs to talk to her mother and both agree boundaries in what they will do for her. Then tell you and any partner of her mother's

In regards to paying her bills, if she isn't going to work then it needs to be agreed between her parents how much will be paid for and how long. Ideally you want the companies to be paid directly rather than via her bank account as she will run up bank charges due to not being bothered.

Btw the "happy family" stuff is likely to have come from her mother's mouth particularly after you moved. Your SD probably was surrounded by good friends' who told her this was rubbish but now she is unwell she doesn't care what she says even if it makes you angry or unhappy. So every time she says something nasty remind yourself she is unwell and react in a calm, firm way.

It is sad that she is poorly but unfortunately when it comes to MH you have have have to engage with help and treatment otherwise you’ll just flounder.

You’ve kindly helped her and now it’s time she helped herself.

Mh really is ones own responsibility. You have to find inner motivation. Because if you don’t youll be existing and not living life.

Suggest it’s her mother’s turn to pay?

How old is she OP?
Where does she live? (Her own place/with partner/with mum?)
Has she actually been diagnosed with a mental health condition?
What is she up to otherwise - is she still maintaining a normal life outside of work? (Eg socialising/food shopping/taking care of her self day to day)

I’m just trying to work out if this is more of a reaction to going back to her current job or if it’s a more all encompassing issue.

This sounds like me when my anxiety was bad. I started taking panic attacks on the journey into work. Nothing particularly bad was happening at work. I can’t explain it. It just started happening. So some days I would just decide not to go in to avoid the panic attacks. And then I took more and more days off ‘sick’ and my employer would arrange meetings with occupational health etc and that just added to the pressure. I would agree to go back to work but when they say came to go back I couldn’t do it. I knew everyone would be talking about me which made it seem ten times worse. It really was horrible because I couldn’t actually say what the problem was. I didn’t know. I still don’t know what was wrong.

She’s 21 and maintaining a high flying social life including a festival this past weekend and 2 nights out the weekend before, both including drugs and drinking. There’s also midweek cinema trips and shopping trips with friends. She lives with her Mum and is expected to pay £100 a month for digs.

We understand she now doesn’t like her job but she has no initiative to find anything new while she’s not at work and hasn’t even got an up to date CV prepared or asked friends if they know anywhere looking for people.
Oh and ex wife get on very well (very mutual grown apart over the years split we actually spend Christmas with her) so the abandoned attitude won’t have come from her.
We have offered to let her possibly live with us down here but don’t want to isolate her as she only knows us and on the condition she is working.

After reading your last post do not pay her another penny

I suggest if she wants to improve her MH then she should stop taking drugs for a start!!!

Bloody hell OP maybe you didn't mean to but that's a massive drip feed - my teenage DD is depressed and practically suicidal at the moment, she's struggling to get to school and hates walking out of the front door - she's desperate and its heartbreaking. To read about your SD being able to go out socially do drugs and drink is a bit gutting to be honest.

Definitely your DH and her mum need to meet up or have a very long talk to discuss tactics. Even if SD is genuinely having problems, her current attitude and lifestyle could make them considerably worse.

Putting your foot down over cash could force a positive change, although it might not seem like it at first!

You have been very reasonable, if she hates her job she needs to find a new one and she seems well enough to play the social butterfly. It's great you've got a good relationship with her mum and makes her behaviour seem even more like CFery. She also has the option to live with you, she's far from unwanted or unsupported

I wouldn’t give her any more money. If she’s well enough to go out socialising then she’s well enough to go to work. I’d be furious that she’s drinking and taking drugs because that will definitely affect her MH. She sounds like a spoilt brat rather than a young person who is genuinely struggling and doing everything possible to recover from health problems.

Ok. Don’t give her any more money.
If she has the funds to go to a festival and go out during the week then why on earth does your OH feel that she needs his financial help to pay for her car?! The car and other bills come before festivals and going out! It sounds like she actually needs a stern talking to about adult financial responsibilities.

Giving her money will just allow her to carry on as she is - ditching work and having a jolly while you foot the bill.

I would also be questioning the MH “problems” - you mentioned drink/drugs in your update - does she indulge in both?!

I know this is a step daughter, but this does not sound like a step family problem. You sound very even handed and I think would probably feel the same if it was your own daughter. As a previous poster suggests the fact your sd is socialising like that suggest her mh problems are not severe. I think call centre work can be the most soul destroying, however so maybe stopping this might be enough of a change. Perhaps if she came to live with you and stepped away from her social circle it could be the making of her if you stand firm on the working part.

By the sounds of it she is using mental health as an excuse.

If she was that depressed she would not have been able to maintain a social life.

Tell ure DH no ure not supporting her every month as she has not done anything to help her mental health not showing up at apps etc u helped last month u have to live and pay she cannot use her mental health as an excuse I'm bpd and would never say u don't support my mental health when u have to pay for 2missec appt so u tried and u paid her bills and work Ard bending over backwards for her she may have problems I don't think it's mental health issues cause when u are in an episode u would do anything to get better and on an even path if she doesn't want to work but wants all the benefits of getting her dad to pay her bills she needs to go on sickness benefit but she myt persuade ure husband put ure foot down