to not treat all of our parents equally?

[PretABoire]

I am becoming increasingly anxious about a very large and expensive gift that my brother and I have given to our mother. It's a once-in-a-lifetime expense which we both saved for a long time to surprise her with. I would never dream of doing this for my (separated) father, or for either of DPs parents. DP and I only share finances where bills are concerned, I am the higher earner and contribute 90% of our savings. He has the opportunity to save but just doesn't really, we have the same disposable income each month. Although I paid for my half of the gift, it was presented as "from me and DP" (as you do).

It's DP's parents response I'm a bit worried about. From an outside perspective, my mother looks MUCH better off than them. In reality they probably earn twice what she does but they are spenders and fritterers and don't save. My mum lives off very little money but has saved to invest in a decent car that will last her 10 years etc. DPs parents have a poor opinion of people who have luxury items or are able to spend significant sums of money at one time. The kind of people who comment on how many clothes we must have (we only see them 3-4 times a year!!). My mum is my best friend and I would do anything for her, but I'm worried about this causing tension with DP's parents in case they get jealous and think that DP has contributed to the gift. They are already bitter that we see my family more often than them. They are lovely people who I don't want to offend, but it's not the kind of family who offers support or has any interest in day-to-day shenanigans and we just aren't very close to them. DP would call my mother over his own in a crisis and has done on several occasions.

So - would you feel resentful or hurt if you found out that your child and their partner had given a very significant gift to another parent but only ever gave you token gifts? And how can I manage this if they bring it up in conversation? I know they will have seen it on facebook by now.

Will it be obvious to them how much it cost? If not it's probably not a big issue anyway.

If it will be obvious, I still wouldn't bring it up unless they do. You don't need to explain or justify anything - if they feel they deserve better gifts it's really a question for their son, not you. If they ask him about it he can explain that you paid for it, not him.

In reality, I think that even if they do see it and feel a bit sniffy, they're very unlikely to say anything about it.

If they say anything I would brush it off with something like "we just exchange gifts differently with my family, it's just the way it's always been" brush it and and move it along, if it's mentioned again be firm "Mil dp didn't actually contribute to the gift, I paid, I am not going to discuss what i spend my money, if you have an issue with your gifts then discuss it with your son but my mother's gifts are not your concern". That sounds rude but it's not, you can say it nicely and firmly. Frankly if they have the nerve to say it to you I wouldn't worry about being rude anyway

I treat my parents differently to my in laws. I only give my parents gifts, it’s DH’s job to sort his. I have a huge family to sort out though, so it’s perfectly reasonable. I can’t deal with his too, it’s all I’d ever be doing! He probably spends a similar amount on them though. He doesn’t buy for my family either.

My in laws would never have the same value to me as my own parents.

I think you could perhaps say that your DP didn’t contribute to the gift but it was presented as being from both of you, (as you do).
I hope your mum enjoys her gift; don’t let something that hasn’t happened spoil your enjoyment of her enjoyment.

If they even made any sarky comments I’d say something like “I buy for my family, Dh buys for your side, my mum and I do fits differently to how you do theml

Agree with Return - if they bring it up (which would be spectacularly rude in itself), I'd say "I'm afraid I'm not prepared to discuss with you a gift that I bought with my brother for our mother. I can spend my own money as I wish."

Why will they even know? You see them 3-4 times a year. I cant believe that as part of that you discuss the cost of a gift to your mother, or even that you have given her a gift?

I agree with Return too...if they raise the issue, brush it off with “...this is how my brother and I do things blah blah” end of discussion.
If it’s mentioned again - exactly what Return said. Don’t let this spoil the lovely act of gift giving to your DM -it’s nothing to do with them. And if they push the issue, then they’re crass, and I’d be polite but very firm in my response.

Phew. You're all right. I struggle with them sometimes - class guilt for being very firmly middle class whereas they are very proud of not being middle class. They are openly snooty about my education, where we live, my car. It doesn't bother me hugely as I know it's largely insecurity but I really don't want any ill feeling, or for them to feel that we love or value them less.

I do also feel like they expect something from us for having higher disposable income than them - e.g. they don't feed us when we visit, we have to go to the shop and buy food for their entire family or order takeaway for everyone. They have never, ever done the 2 hour drive to visit us in 6 years but get shirty if we don't go to them often enough. I do like them a lot but I hate the pressure it puts on me, their son is as disorganised laid back as they are, so they know it's me they need to lay the guilt on!!

they don't feed us when we visit, we have to go to the shop and buy food for their entire family or order takeaway for everyone

There's your get out - it was a nice gift for your mum to thank her for all the meals she's made you....!

Does your DH defend you when they make snooty comments about your education, car etc?

As much as I totally agree that you and your brother have the right to spend your money however you wish and I am impressed that you think so much of your DM, I can see how your situation would appear to DP's parents.

You see more of your family than you do of his family. You spend more on gifts for a member or your family than you do on his family. The time spent with parents and the more expensive present would lead most folks to think you favour your mother over all the other parents.
It could be hurtful that you appear to want to spend more time and money on one parent. For me it would be the time more than the money that I would be unhappy about.

they don't feed us when we visit, we have to go to the shop and buy food for their entire family or order takeaway for everyone.

How rude. No way would I provide food every time. I'd bring secret supplies for myself and play chicken with them.

My pils are very entitled in that sense too but nowhere near as bad as that. They expect to be paid for if out for lunch or dinner whereas my mother will, after an argument, allow us to pay occasionally and my father will always pay.

Your present to your mother is nothing to do with your pils. Your dh's present to his mother is nothing to do with your mother.

If they don't feed you when you visit tbh I would make sure that I ate before I arrived and left before the next meal. That is just so rude, and expecting you to provide the food says a lot about how they view you. My MIL once invited a load of people for lunch and when we arrived tried the same, "can you just pop down to the shops and get ........... " We did as we knew nobody would eat otherwise but boy did I resent it, especially when she then acted the gracious host.

I spend the same on both Familys are they not part of ure family as well there's clearly a divide maybe u are seeing ure parents more my sister sees my mum all the time and sees her husband family luckily 2 times a year they do one Xmas his family then my family well she has done 3 Xmas with my family as she does not like them cause she doesn't fit in n her children are wild but get husband refused to come 2 years ago my mum n dad. Wrre offended my sister was to but didn't she do that to his family it's different if ure dh Didnt have relationship with them but if he does u need to put an effort in whatever ure class and to be honest she probs not going to be happy about present but u can't turn around and say ure hubby didn't pay anything towards tell hubby to put his hand in his pocket to get them something more than a tovken. Pressies

@PretABoire It's really none of your PIL's business what you give your mum. If they expressed any sense of jealousy or unhappiness with it, I think I would either
a) explain that you paid not your dh, and you both have equal money so it's your choice how to spend it.
Or
b) Ignore them

"They are openly snooty about my education, where we live, my car. It doesn't bother me hugely as I know it's largely insecurity but I really don't want any ill feeling, or for them to feel that we love or value them less." It sounds like they are not very nice to you so if anyone should have ill feeling it is you, maybe!

And yikes!
"- e.g. they don't feed us when we visit, we have to go to the shop and buy food for their entire family or order takeaway for everyone. They have never, ever done the 2 hour drive to visit us in 6 years but get shirty if we don't go to them often enough. I do like them a lot but I hate the pressure it puts on me, their son is as disorganised laid back as they are, so they know it's me they need to lay the guilt on!!"

This sounds awfully unpleasant.

I am not sure I would really bother unless you want to.

It's certainly not normal behaviour.

I am not sure if you have any kids but if you end up having children you may decide you can't be bothered with this arsing around and I would suggest you speak to your dh and get him to step up.

Stop buying them food and bending over backwards to accommodate them. It doesn't sound worth. Unless they really are too frail to travel or too poor to feed you, I'd stop facilitating their bad behaviour. (I mean that in the nicest way possible.)

How would they know what you've bought your mum? Just don't bring it up with them.

They know my mum, bump into her occasionally and have her on fb where my brother had posted about the gift (bloody show off)

@Nb65988 yours is the attitude I'm afraid of from them...

are they not part of ure family as well
I definitely consider them my family. I'm really fond of them. However their behaviour is odd. E.g. DP had a health emergency recently, I made a whatsapp group to update both families. His parents read but did not reply to any messages and still haven't even called us, 6 weeks on.

it's different if ure dh Didnt have relationship with them but if he does u need to put an effort in
I'm really not sure they would actually have a relationship if it weren't for me forcing facilitating contact. I'm the one who sends birthday cards, makes sure we leave weekend days free to visit them etc. They don't even send DP a card most years. They are perfectly lovely when we see them, but if we never initiated contact with them I'm pretty sure they would forget they have a son at all. I'm pretty sick of feeling guilty when I often feel like I'm the only one making an effort to bind their family together.

We pay for everything for my p'n'law - that's just how my husband's family roll. We don't pay for things usually for my parents - it's not unusual for them to offer to pay for things for us. That's just how they live. My parents don't at all even consider that things have to be 'equal'.

I treat my mum and wouldn’t even think of dh parents, my mum is my mum, if dh wanted to buy his parents something then that’s up to him, but how I choose to spend my bloody hard earned income, it’s no ones business.

Yanbu. Sounds like dps parents arent that bothered about you two, i would stop forcing contact. If dps parents want to see you then leg them make the effort. If they dont then you know how they really feel.