My last relationship, which is now over, seemed norm at the time. I’m probably much younger than most here, so it was only my second sexual partner.
I’ve been thinking more about things lately and I feel very uncomfortable.
The first thing that bothered me was that my ex made me feel like I had to do stuff. It wasn’t out of love or even wanting me to benefit as well- he just wanted to orgasm. He’d put my hand on his dick when we get into bed, would grind up against me even after I had said I was tired multiple times... It felt like he was trying to convince me to have sex with hím by letting me know he wanted to and not letting me sleep without trying this first
Conversations would regularly turn too nudes, he’d plead for them “but you haven’t send me anything in ages” kind of thing. Again pressuring
Then there was an incident which freaked me out a lot. We were in bed one night, I had said good night and turned over. I was half asleep and breathing slowly, so he assumed I was asleep. My ex un did his trousers, got out his penis and rubbed it up against my bottom/vagina. I ‘rolled’ over, pretended to not notice and he stopped
The final incident not long before I ended it was when we were having sex. I had happily partaken in the sex initially, but heard my young daughter stirring so shoved him off. I didn’t want to continue, but I didn’t specifically say this. After my daughter went silent, I rolled over and he started having sex again with me from behind. I was no longer in the mood and very dry this point and it hurt. I was shocked he had just started having sex with me again, so I was silent for a few seconds but then I told him to stop. He didn’t, even though I said it quite loudly. He only stopped when I was very visibly crying
He was very sorry after and said he didn’t hear
I have been thinking about this more lately as I’ve gotten into a new relationship
I feel unsure about what happened, on one hand I feel like I should have been clearer with my withdrawing of consent and that it’s fault. On the other hand I feel like this guy gave me many warning signs and behaved wrongly
I have ended up crying to my new partner saying “if I say stop, I need to know you will stop.” I’ve also developed claustrophobia since to do with other people, like if someone hugs me I feel trapped. I can’t even go to sleep with my new partner hugging me as I feel trapped and worried I won’t be able to escape. I never had this issue before
I’m not sure how I will get this, and I no longer enjoy sex
AIBU to think this is not an issue I can really bring up with anyone and that I’ll never enjoy sex again? As I blame myself for what happened, I don’t see how I can admit to someone how I feel scared now when I probably could have stopped what happened to me or been clearer. Am I to blame? I’m so unsure