To want to stop seeing friends because their dd is so rude to her dm?

[Maelstrop]

We met through a shared interest some years ago. They were very keen to be friends, always asking us round. We now meet up generally away from home, for a meal out, for example. It’s always been clear that dd is daddy’s girl, ds is more neutral/shares his dm’s interest. He’s getting older so less interested in socialising with us.

Dd has always been quite rude to her dm, nothing awful, just a bit roll her eyes kind of thing. However, the last couple of times we met up, I really noticed her patronising her dm. Last time, I nearly bollocked her, but I’m aware it’s not my place and it would probably be the end of the friendship if I actually said anything.

The dd (now 13, I know, teenager!) was incredibly sarcastic to her dm, patronising, stuff like “Well yes, Catherine, you would think that, wouldn’t you?’ the implication being that her dm is stupid. She’s using her full (made up!) name, no-one ever calls her the full name. DF, meanwhile, sits back and allows this. My DH and I left and both of us were amazed that the dd is allowed to speak to her DM in this way and that the DF sits back and allows it.

It made me and my DH incredibly uncomfortable. AIBU to cool the friendship? Doing the job I do I have often bollocked dc for being rude to their parents in front of me. I really like my friend, but I find it very difficult to sit and keep silent when the dd is so flipping rude. I know she is emulating her df to an extent as he can be quite patronising, but it’s more his delivery, he’s not rude to people.

I would probably say something to your friends DD along the lines of 'I really dislike it when you speak to your mum like that. She's my friend. And leave it at that. Sounds awful

It’s horrendous. I can’t understand why she isn’t roundly disciplined by her parents. It was very uncomfortable. Maybe dm is just used to it. I know the dd quite well, she’s average ability, in middle sets for most subjects. Her dm does a lot for her and is very successful in her area of work, so the dd has no reason to be so patronising.

If your friend is dealing with a difficult teenager she could probably do with a friendly ear instead of being ditched.

Could you speak with your friend about it? She might appreciate an ally.

Talk to your friend - meet her for coffee or go somewhere neutral. She may be choosing to ignore this behaviour in order to not reward bad behaviour with attention, or she may have become accustomed to it or worn down by it and think it's how all kids speak to their parents.

Keep to the point that you find it difficult and you want to know how best to react to it when the daughter is out with you. Perhaps suggest you do things just the two of you or without the kids occasionally.

I have a friend whose son does this.

I challenge his behaviour and point out all the wonderful things about his Mum (who is pretty fantastic) and remind him why he should value her.

I do it with a smile but I don’t let it pass ever.

I do the same with men who put their wives down.

It’s amazing I ever get invited anywhere!

I have challenged a niece in the past for just such behaviour at the same age. I only did it the once and the look on her face was priceless - one of shock at being challenged. I think in her case the snarky way of talking to her DM, my sister had developed over time and gradually got worse, especially with the onset of teenager-hood. i know my Dsis had given up pulling her up in public after a few major tantrums. I just said “Don’t talk to my sister like that”. Niece looked at her DM / my Dsis who just raised an eyebrow in a ‘well what did you expect’ fashion. Not saying the issue was cured in that one instant, but she was polite for the rest of the time we were together. She is now a totally charming woman in her early 20s.

I agree with the suggestion to chat to your friend alone about her DD and a quiet challenge next time it happens in your presence.

It takes a village. Absolutely pull her up on it every time until she straightens up her act, there's nothing wrong with reasonably scolding a child.

Be careful. This is behaviour she has learnt.

I'm ashamed to say I and my siblings did similar but we did it because it was how we were taught to treat my DM at home by my abusive father. But we were too young to understand why we were doing it.

It was portrayed to us as a "family joke" now I'm older I can see it was my father enlisting us as participants in his verbal bullying of my mother. I also felt a little at least that if he weren't picking on her he'd be picking on me or my younger siblings.

Bullies and abusers can be clever like this.

Saying something more like "that's not kind, especially when your mum does X y Z for you/is kind to you/is a lovely mum" is pointing out the behaviour is out of order without directly blaming the child.

I'd definitely be giving the df a side eye too though...and letting the DM know quietly that you're there if needed.

Pull her up but kindly

Maybe there are other problems you don't know about and your friend is having to choose her battles? Maybe she doesn't think being spoken to that way is as much of a problem as you do? Either way she may not welcome your input.

I have friends whose teenagers speak to them this way - I don't think it's my place to say anything so bite my tongue. If they are rude to me I will correct them though!

I'd just say " Sorry, can you explain why you think your mum is wrong on that?" and then just dismantle her argument (if there is one) piece by piece until she's squirming.

If there isnt one just say "Wow, great logic. I bet Harvard are knocking down the door, arent they?"

" Sorry, can you explain why you think your mum is wrong on that?"

I agree with this approach, it doesn't need to be confrontational, and it shows you're not going to be complicit in any belittling of your friend.

She appears to be bonding with her father through shared contempt for the mother. Not unusual, but painful to watch.

Be careful. This is behaviour she has learnt.

Yup, from her df. :(

She appears to be bonding with her father through shared contempt for the mother. Not unusual, but painful to watch.

This is exactly it, although her df is not directly rude to his dw but obviously considers himself generally superior (to everyone!) He had a better education and speaks less colloquially, but comes across as a patronising idiot mostly.

I'd just say " Sorry, can you explain why you think your mum is wrong on that?" and then just dismantle her argument (if there is one) piece by piece until she's squirming. If there isnt one just say "Wow, great logic. I bet Harvard are knocking down the door, arent they?"

See, I’m really reluctant to do that, the dd has had a rough time at school, mum has been back and forth trying to move her up groups without success. She just isn’t very academic. The last thing I want to do is be a bitch and destroy a fragile ego, but I do want to pull her up on it.

Pull her up but kindly

I’m honestly going to try, maybe with the first part of Johnnycomelately’s post. I cannot tolerate her being so rude to my mate.

There have been issues, mostly to do with depression from what I can gather, but it’s like she’s deliberately trying to alienate her dm by being horrible. I don’t think it’s particularly a teenage thing, she’s been like this but not so noticeably since we first knew her when she was 9 or so.

Actually, I wonder if I could collar the df quietly? Wander to bar, buy drink, discuss mutual interest, ask if dd is ok, I notice she seems very angry with dm and is often very rude to her?

That's upto her to embarrass herself in front u with letting her daughter treat her like that not upto u myt not like it but teens are hard work so maybe there stufc going on in background

"Did you mean to be so patronising to your mum?"

There may be stuff going on that I don’t know about, I know, but the dm is in charge at home, what she wants, she gets. Df is away part of the week (recent thing), so I would have thought the dd would by now have realised how well off she is with dm. I’ll update the next time we go out!