How can I help my toddler adjust to being a big brother?

[HariboFrenzy]

DS2 is now 20 weeks old, DS1 is 2.11. Eldest is really having a tough time adjusting. His behaviour is bad - attention seeking, hitting. I can't leave them in the same room for a second as he'll hurt him the second my back is turned. Things seemed to be improving but when I think back to how he was before his brother arrived and how he is now, it's a night and day difference. He was a happy and secure child and now he's... Well the opposite. I feel so sad that I've done this to him 🙁. I'm trying to spend time with his much as I can but it's hard. DS2 has reflux so I spend a lot of time comforting him.

As an example of how he's unhappy now, when I used to collect him from playgroup (only twice a week) he'd be delighted to see me and run up to me as soon as he could. He just sits there now looking miserable until I physically pick him up. Then last week I didn't have DS2 with me and it was like old times - ran beaming to me.

How can I fix this?

First of all congratulations on your new baby.

Don't leave them alone together.

Can you sling baby so both hands free to attend to ds1? Attention seeking behaviour is exactly what it says on the tin. Ds1s probably tried one way, nope, no attention for being 'good' so has found being 'naughty' an excellent strategy for getting your focus. You know the drill. Catch him being 'good', heaps of praise, try to ignore the awfulness. Rinse, repeat.

Nb am using labels out of laziness.

One of the things that helped my DS adjust (he really struggled at 3.3) was not 'trying' to do anything.

Initially we spent lots of time showering him with love and affection and taking him to do fun things like soft play/park etc. We wanted to show him that life was still much the same and we still lived him a lot.

Except it really didn't work. I think he was overwhelmed by it and needed some time to adjust at his own pace.

I had a really nice few days with him at home where DS would just be kicking on his playmat and I'd be sat between the two of them, playing quietly with them both. DS started taking in his new brother, very slowly interacting with him and watching him.

It took time, a lot of time. He's almost 6 months now and I think we are in a good place.

One other (potentially contraversial) thing I did was to stop BF. DS was also colicky and I knew DS1 as finding it hard that the baby was physically attached to me so often. I switched to formula so DH could help and to an anti reflux formula which made him a lot more settled. Hard choice to make but I knew it was the right thing to do for us as a family unit.

Thank you both for replying. I'm trying to ignore as much as I can, but it's difficult if he's hurting/trying to hurt his brother.

Triangulator it's interesting that you found being normal worked. I try and do some tidying /housework when I'm finally able to put DS2 down briefly so that doesn't leave much time to spend playing before DS2 is awake again, which makes me feel like maybe I should try and do some stuff with DS1 on his own. That's certainly what my family think I should do

One thing my sister did was get DS1 to 'help' with the baby.

"Oh no! I've left the babys toy over there!" Then when DS1 brings it over, give lots of praise. "Oh you're so helpful/such a good boy/I don't know what I'd do without you/baby is too little to help me"

it means that the baby brings positive things and establishes things DS1 can do which baby can't so baby wont take over.

Could you also make sure you have one-on-one time with DS1? 30 minutes once a day where you play with him or read him a story.

Yes, your family are right. One to one time will pay off- even 20 minutes a day, where you are totally focussed on playing with him.
There are also lots of books about being a big sibling and how galling it is. My DD1 used to appreciate these- it gave her space to recognise her feelings (jealousy, annoyance etc) and talk with us about them.
Look after yourself too- sounds like hard work.

Try setting him up with something 'special' whilst the baby naps. Something he can do semi independently and you can potter around doing jobs whilst he gets on with it. Playdoh in the kitchen while you make lunch/do the dishwasher etc.

I sort of stopped doing chores/jobs in the day for a few days and Everytime DS2 was awake we just both sat quietly near DS1 and played with him. I'd alternate with the odd "oh look, DS2 has grabbed one of your cars, he wants to play!" so he was aware he was there and that his presence was normal and could actually be fun.

I think if it's an either or situation (as in mum's either with baby or with me) then he's more likely to act up to get attention back to him. I tried to just be with them both at the same time. It's really hard to explain.

If I needed to do a job I'd pop DS2 in his jumperoo and say something like 'i just need to go and empty the dishwasher DS1 and DS2. I won't be long and when I'm done we can all go to the park/do stickers/get the cars out'. If DS2 came with me then DS1 felt ignored, so I just left him in a safe place. I actually found this was when DS1 would interact with him most.

Agree about the 1:1 time too though. DH gets the baby up so DS1 and I have breakfast and a cup of tea together first thing, and I always do his story at the end of the day too.

But I do think some understanding of being a bit of a 'family unit' is helpful. The baby isn't just an annoying thing stuck to mum all the time.

I think your ds1 has now realised the baby is here to stay rather than just a visitor. I’d give ds1 your full attention when ds2 naps as he needs to feel secure of your love and attention and will not be displaced by ds2

When talking about the baby in from of him, say 'your brother did this' , 'your brother said this today' etc to give him a sense of ownership and family. Say that when he gets older the baby is going to really look up to you, will copy everything you do. Say it's so special to have a sibling; laugh at the things the baby does together; share in the little tasks so he doesn't feel left out.

We made sure we never told DS2 not to do anything because of DD2 eg stop making noise because DD is trying to sleep.’..our DS was 2 when DD came along, no point even trying to get a 2 year old to be quiet.

Reflect on if your using language such as the above, eg stop doing something you love because of the baby.

Also using positive language (not just telling him off for being mean to sipping) eg he hasn’t been mean to the baby for 5 minutes acknowledge it really over the top. ‘Wow what a great brother you are being’

2 is still uber little, it will just be a phase

Congratulations though. I love having two xxx

A long time ago now, but here's what worked for us - first time dc1 met dc2 I was still in hospital. We made sure it was just us, no other visitors and I deliberately was not holding or feeding dc2. The visit was all about dc1, there was a gift in the crib, from the baby to dc1. Lots of cuddles with me. Once home, made sure to include dc1 as much as possible. We asked him to help get the nappies, asked him to pass messages to the baby - telling baby we were going to feed him for example, asked him to sing to baby to help him sleep etc. Made very sure that I still did the same things with dc1 that I'd always done, so playing together, talking, singing etc. I must admit, we didn't send dc1 to playgroup for a while, but we did all go to a mum and toddler group where there were always lots of willing folk to hold baby whilst I played with dc1. And baby would occasionally give his older brother a little treat to say thank you for being such a wonderful big brother. It seemed to work - we never had any problems with dc1 behaviour towards the baby and no jealousy issues.

I used to get DS to "make" the baby smile. He'd get up close to her face and just chant "smiiille, smiiille, smiiile" and of course she would smile just because someone was interacting with her. Then I'd say: "Well done DS, aren't you clever making her smile"

I think a sling is probably the worst thing you can do as it gives him the message baby is always attached to Mummy and closer to Mummy.

With my DS we had to make sure he had quality time with both parents alone. So painting or baking while the baby naps. Or going out for a cake together while baby is with Dad.

It was really tough going, but they do get used to it. Just keep reassuring him and making sure he knows how much you love him and how special he is.

I try and do some tidying /housework when I'm finally able to put DS2 down briefly so that doesn't leave much time to spend playing before DS2 is awake again

I don't mean this horribly but surely a messy house but 2 happy children is preferable. Leave the housework and do it when your partner is around to help or after they're in bed or something. Your house doesnt need to be spotless.

This has some good ideas: www.amazon.co.uk/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-Together/dp/1853406309/ref=nodl_?tag=mumsnetforum-21

I have dd 2.8 and dd 5 months.

Most days are great now but we did experience jealousy, slapping and anger.

What works for us is constantly telling dd1 how much dd2 loves her. Oh look, she's smiling at you again. Oh look, she's watching you.

Big focus on what dd1 can do and dd2 can't. Oh no, dd2 can't have a biscuit she's too tiny. Only big girls can do that. No dd2 you can't play with that you're too little.

Talk all the time about how dd2 will be her best friend and once she gets bigger she will have a friend that lives here and will play with her all day.

Talk all the time about how she can teach dd2 how to do things. You can teach dd2 how to throw a ball. You are the best ball thrower!!

And strangely what seemed to work best was to tell the baby off. No dd2, don't pull dd1's hair. That's not nice. We don't do that in this house. Say sorry. Be a good girl like your sister.

The last one seemed to work best as it balanced things out. Didn't always feel as if dd1 was being told off or to stop doing something.

I find it a very hard situation to deal with. So used to have 100% focus on dd1 and now that has to be shared. And also a guilt that dd2 isn't getting the 100% focus that dd1 got.

I was very anti tv so young and now find that some Peppa pig in the iPad is a great distraction if I need to get the baby down for a nap.