To not let my Mum meet my DC?

[upsideup]

I've been NC with her for 15 years, Since I have got married and am now pregnant with DC5. She emotionally abused me and I spent all of my childhood and teenage years incredibly unhappy because of her, I hate her and want no relationship with her ever again.

Unfortunately shes has always been in the background of our lives as I am in contact with family who are in contact with her, my kids have always known about her and they have seen a few photos of her but they're too young for me to go into detail about all the things she has done so they have always just been told that we just don't get on.

She has apologised countless times and has always given regular pleas to meet DC, my eldest two who are 11 and 8 have started to say recently that they want to meet her. She is ill and its almost definite that she wont be here for my kids to meet when they are 16/18 and able to make this decision on their own so I have to make it soon.

Most people seem to think shes a lovely person and I don't at all think my children would be at any risk meeting her. Honestly I think she would be really kind to them, they would have a great time and end up loving her and wanting to have a proper relationship with.

AIBU to say no? Or are they old enough to make this decision themselves and will end up resenting not being able to know her and me denying that.
Saying no does feel selfish because I am putting my feelings first and not considering my mum or my kids, the only reason I would want them to meet her would be so they don't hate me for not letting them when she dies.

Your DC are asking to meet her, so apart from your own issues with her why would you refuse? She is obviously around and others in the family have a relationship with her. You say she isn't going to be abusive to them and is likely to be loving and there lies the 'real issue' here. It is your own unresolved issues with your DM. If she can be so loving to everyone else why couldn't she be like that with you... Now that is a hard thing to deal with

I never met my dads dad. My dad moved to avoid any contact when we were small children. My dad simply told us he wasnt a nice man. When we were adults he elaborated a bit.
Never questioned my parents judgement on it.

I would talk to your children. Ask why they want to meet her.

Did anyone intervene when you were younger? Why not?

Don't dismiss your own feelings.

I wouldn't want to expose my children to her if I was in a similar situation.

I would maybe explain a little why you are non contact in a child-friendly way.

You're right, the only reason I dont want her to meet them is because of my feeling towatds her and I think If they ended up loving her I would feel they loved me less, which I know is wrong.
I also do think partly that her love and kindness to them would be fake and just to spite me as I know she doesnt aprove of my parenting and the way I let my kids live, if they werent mine then she would not want them anywhere near her.

I didn't see my dad for years. This was due to my mums own feelings towards him. He was loving to me as was his family. I feel anger now as an adult as she shouldn't have used her own feelings to prevent me having a relationship with him. He has dementia now and the opportunity to rebuild a relationship has been lost. Funny enough my DM was an abusive woman towards me. But I love her and understand what was going on for her when I was young. I haven't forgotten but I have forgiven her. If the relationship with there GM is likely to be a positive and loving one it may be time for you to rethink. It is hard as after so many years you learn to keep those emotions boxed up.

To those pp saying it's your children's choice - I think while they are still so young OP needs to think about whether the contact would be damaging to your kids.

I am NC with my mother, but like you am still in contact with other members of her side of the family. This idea of her meeting any kids I might have terrifies me. It's literally one of my biggest fears. I will come under a lot of family pressure to 'forgive and forget' when grandchildren come along and I won't be.

My sister is only 16 and still lives with her. I see the effect my mum has on her and it cements the fact that I will not let my children have a relationship with our mum. She is too young to understand or deal with our mum's obvious mental health problems, and if your mum is anything like mine your children sound too young for that. I can only deal with her due to being NC and after a lot of (ongoing) therapy. Although their relationship is very volatile my sister still talks wistfully of 'just making mum understand', because she hasn't got the emotional maturity or resilience to accept the basic fact that our mum is incapable of love in the way most people understand it, and that she won't change. Even though my sister sees the 'ugly' side that only comes out at home, my mum is a master manipulator that can still bring her to heel and convince her the reason their relationship is difficult is because my sister is evil and selfish and somehow 'defective'.

The best thing for my sister would be to not have my mum in her life, but obviously she has to make that decision for herself. For my kids, I will make it for them.

Ah! Just saw your updates. Doesn't sound like what I said applied (and also I misread pp's posts ...)

If you don't think your mother would be a toxic influence on your kids then let them lead you on meeting her. It might help the two of you to resolve things too (if you were open to it)

Recently been in this position myself and let my dc meet her... it was fine for a few weeks and then the old her reappeared. She was swearing at me and the dc could hear. I had done nothing but help her as she is apparently ill (memory issues amongst more serious things) turns out she was drinking heavily and when I questioned her she got more aggressive. Back to no contact. You can't help those that won't help themselves. The rest of my family think she's nice etc despite all the abuse over the years I have had. Just be careful and go with your gut instinct. Find out why your dcs want to meet her and do you really want to put them and yourself through it all x

Before you would even consider your DC meeting your DM you would have to meet her first. That will then decide on the way forward. If your not ready to meet her then your decision is made and that's it.

Mine got to see my mother in all her toxic glory. They were protected from it and it was explained to them as mental illness (plus we lived on the other side of the planet for most of their lives). They are smart enough to know that people are flawed - (even their own nearly perfect parents) and it helps them puzzle the pieces together in their own part of space. My kids are now 11, 11 & 13 and can see toxic behaviour around them and are very good at filtering it.

I'm 99% NC with my Dad and consequently with his side of the family . My DC have met him once at a family wedding. They're all in their teens now and have no interest in him or my cousins. I can't help but feel glad at that as selfish as some people might regard it. I can't see anyway they've lost out. They still have plenty of close family, and it's family that can be trusted, and that will love them unconditionally. I think only you know how the relationship with your Mother is so only you can make the decision on whether to forgive her enough to give her access to your DC.
I just couldn't do it. I'm sure that he would have been fine with them but if I couldn't spend time with him (and I couldn't, it's been a good 30 years and his behaviour to us still makes me angry and hurt and deeply resentful) then my children won't either.

So tl:dr I know, but you are NBU. Protect your children from shit relationships and people who hurt you.

I know she doesnt aprove of my parenting and the way I let my kids live, if they werent mine then she would not want them anywhere near her.

No.

Keep them well away.

The only reason she's playing nice and apologising is for herself. She wants grandkids.

I wonder what that twinkly little old lady would end up saying to them about you when she gained the trust, and you were out of earshot.

Don't go there.

Talk to the kids. Do they have a relationship with their paternal grandmother and your Dad? I think that kids may assume that if one grandmother is nice then the other would be nice too. (Or that a nice mum like you would come from a nice grandma) The other issue might be they imagine "don't get along" as being similar to squabbling with their sibling.

I have made the same decision with my kids. (They are teens now) I told them that when they are 18, they can contact her if they want. They have gone through periods of curiousity but currently say that they don't want to know her as she was abusive to me. (They don't know the details but are old enough to hear the word abusive to describe someone)

It's good that she'd be nice to the kids but abusers can't keep up their act forever. I'm confident in my decision that keeping my kids away from my mum has ended the cycle of abuse with me but hope that you can find the solution that is right for you too.

I wouldn't tbh. If it was something you wanted to consider you'd have to meet her first and not let them near her unsupervised - by you or their father since it doesn't sound like anyone from the family intervened on your behalf. You'd also have to be careful she didn't get their phone numbers for unsupervised communications.

Also - how sure are you that she's actually sick? I ask as my mother faked cancer because she didn't want me to move. Actually faked cancer, evil cow.

It sounds a lot like she just wants access because they're yours - so you have to examine the motive there. Does she want to be a doting granny or does she want to hurt you again? I'd be very suspicious. Ultimately, you don't have to rush, or allow access at all if you don't want to. She may not even be sick anyway, and you need to protect yourself from her. Why are the children asking to see her - have they been fed this stuff from your mother's family? The same ones that seemed to turn a blind eye?

Arch that's exactly what my toxic so called mother did. She fakes illnesses non stop - cancer, kidney failure she thrives on drama. No way my dc are ever going near her again. Toxic to the core - I feel so much happier again now she is out of our lives.