AIBU to be depressed?

[MsMotherOfDragons]

I'm not really sure how to cheer myself up.

I have two kids, one 5 and the other just under a year old. They are lovely and I love being a mum. Their dad has never really been around (well, obviously just enough for us to have conceived #2! but I mean he's never lived with us or been a proper partner) but I can't see how I could have a relationship with anyone else as I still breastfeed the little one and co-sleep with her. I co-slept with my eldest until she was 4 and again didn't really feel I was in a position to meet anyone new. Anyway, I am quite overweight and don't feel very attractive, quite apart from the lack of capacity in terms of time and bed space!

Their dad has never had them and isn't really willing or able to, so I have them 100% of the time. Although my parents come to visit, again, they aren't really up to having the kids either. So I get no breaks and the house is a mess - I only have time to stay on top of the essentials, but I have too much stuff and it's not well organised, if that makes sense.

I just find I get a bit grumpy with the kids at the moment (a bit snappy, not really into playing or having a nice time together), and depressed about the mess, and just a bit lonely in the evenings, or when I am spending time with my parents at the weekends. My mum is very judgemental about the house but never actually offers to help with the kids so I can sort out the bedroom, which is the prime place where stuff is stored which should be looked through and probably got rid of (e.g. clothes that are too small for the children, things I don't wear often).

It should be a really happy time, both children are happy and healthy and really enjoying life and I feel like we could be having a much nicer time if I was happier and a better mum.

Anyway, AIBU to feel so hopeless? Or is there something I could do to help myself feel better? I got an unexpected payment from a client that hadn't paid me for ages, so I could probably throw a bit of money at it (but as a one-off rather than long-term, eg cannot afford a cleaner on an ongoing basis or a babysitter every week).

Oh, and the breastfeeding and co-sleeping isn't up for discussion, that bit at least works really well for us (if not for my chances of luuuurve)

Well obvious question is why have 2 DCs when the father is nowhere to be seen?

Did you plan this in advance as to how it would work?

Are you maternity leave - when do you return to work?

I am trying to focus more on what I can do now than on the rationale for past decisions, tbh.

I am back working, but not full-time yet (I am a freelancer) so doing pieces of work in evenings and nap times. Once I have some longer contracts up and running, the baby will go to a childminder and I expect it will help my sanity levels!

It sounds as though you are doing ok. Your children are happy and healthy. You're working to pay the bills.
Your Relationship sounds like a big cause for your feelings of depression. Where do you want that to go?
And can you try to promise yourself 15 mins a day to tackle the home? Small jobs, building up to getting one room finished and easy to maintain. Then move on to the next room.
Either keep the money to have a lovely treat when you've finished (day out with kids), or use it to buy some lovely bedding, a week of M&S food shopping, or a cleaner to deep clean a room.

Can you set yourself some specific challenges to help with the tidying? I've found having quantifiable goals in sight make it easier to get motivated with decluttering.

I did a challenge where I tried to get rid of 40 bags of stuff in 40 days. There are some facebook groups where people help each other do this. It might sound a lot but it is surprisingly addictive and even with limited time, you could find it possible to do.

Perhaps your parents might help you do a spring clean, if you've been able to tackle the clutter a bit? Or use the lump sum to pay for cleaners to do a big one off clean.

Either way, don't beat yourself up. You're doing a great job looking after 2 children on your own and keeping your business going. It's not surprising you sometimes feel lacking in adult company but hopefully that will get easier once the baby is a bit older and you could get some more free time.

Read the following books:
How to do everything and be happy by peter jones, followed by
The life changing magic of tidying by marie kondo.

Thank you, those are really kind and helpful suggestions.

The relationship is definitely a source of... well, I wouldn't call it depression, but dissatisfaction.

I think you are right to suggest about decluttering. That would probably have the biggest impact on my mood (and then I could have more friends round for social visits, which I sometimes don't do because I feel the place is a mess).

Hardly the solution to all life’s problems, but I’ve discovered The Organised Mum on Facebook, the essence of it is you do 30 minutes of focused cleaning a day, with the idea being you can achieve a huge amount in a short space of time when you are motivated by the threat of an imminent visitor, so why not just blitz it?
You sound like you’re doing fine, cut yourself some slack.

Sort the kids clothes and list them on ebay 😊

The Organised Mum looks fantastic!

Yes, I need to get rid of some of the clothes that have been outgrown. Just talking about decluttering makes me feel happier and more positive.

Ok I've got bpd and I let same thing happen to me u have got to tackle it one room at a time anx anything uve not used in in 6 months minimum bin it u clearly don't need it sitting about the house if ure mum is in ure house at weekend ask her to sit with kids while u start ure bedroom if she needs a hand ure right there get it started stop putting it off no one else is going to do it it will make u feel 100% better is the dad family not wanting involvementwhaf age are ure parents love his they judge yet do nothing to help u when u're struggling she should look into the future when she kmyt need get support cause she to old u can do it

Thank you xx

My mum finds it a bit much to have the two kids at once so that doesn't really work. I have got to figure something out though.

One of my big problems is space. The baby sleeps in close proximity to the living room and kitchen so even at night I can't do very much without making too much noise. In a few months hopefully both children can share the bedroom which is furthest away from the living area and I can get a bit more done in the evenings.

I have started reading the Marie Kondo and really really relate. I have so much stuff hoarded away! Old stuff that might come in handy one day, new stuff that I've bought on sale for when the children are older. I have started to feel as if possibly I have some emotional/practical baggage from growing up quite poor. I didn't think it had affected me much, especially as we did become much better off when I was a teenager so it's not like I have that much memory of it... but I do have this tendency to want to keep hold of things because it feels risky to throw them away.