My DD is out of control please help

[TheScandinavian]

I’m really struggling with my 4yo DD, she’s loud doesn’t listen and is constantly crying. If DS is playing with a toy, she wants it NOW. I’ll tell her to let him play it with for a bit, then she will get her turn. She gets up, starts jumping up and down crying and screaming NO! I tell her that she will get her turn soon, she then says “shut up, I don’t want to talk to you”.

Even getting her to tidy up is a struggle, she will scream, shout, stomp her feet.

She’s not just like this at home but everywhere, we could be in Asda she will see something she likes, I say no and she starts screaming shouting , rolling on the floor etc. It’s so embarrassing at times, I can’t tell her something without her answering back or screaming.

We have a great relationship when she’s not having a tantrum, we’re really close and she’s such a sweet and caring girl.

The only person she will listen to is her dad, he will literally tell her to be quiet and she will sit there completely frozen, won’t say a word. I think she’s scared of him, he’s got a loud voice and I guess I’m just too soft, I don’t understand why she doesn’t take me seriously.

So please MN, help me.

I have experienced similar with my son, who is now 6 but has had this tendency since he was younger. I am reading a book called 'The Explosive Child' by Ross Greene which talks about how to help children to develop the kind of reasoning that they need to negotiate the kind of situations which cause them to blow up, and help them to recognise when they are about to lose it and consider another way to deal with their frustration.

I starts from the premise that the child isn't benefitting at all from their behaviour, so there is no motivation to meltdown in rage other than a sheer inability to deal with things in another way, so you teach them how to. I have had some degree of success using the techniques with my son and am finding it reassuring to read about other children who exhibit the same types of behavioural patterns who have benefitted from the approach described in the book. There are some websites which discuss similar ideas and their application such as this one: bouncebackparenting.com/9-tips-for-parenting-an-explosive-kid/

and this one
lemonlimeadventures.com/cant-spank-angry-child/

You have my sympathy - it's hard not to feel like it's something you have done, but I have found it really helps to have a plan and not feel so helpless when he kicks off. If you can see her anger as her saying 'I have no idea how to deal with this situation and this is the only thing I can think of at the moment' then it's easier to see how helping her to navigate her way away from rage and towards a more acceptable solution is possible. Best of luck.

Take back control sounds spoiled to me do online shopping if its that bad give her a chart everyone she does something bad it goes on chart for dad to see and ignore her she can't get what she wants all the time she needs to learn how to play and share does she not do that in nursery