AIBU to be STILL not speaking to my mother?

[Halfpastfreckle]

For background - I’m late thirties, good job, comfortable house and lifestyle. Nearly 10 years married on the whole happily. Got 1 child already - 3 years old. I haven’t got ideal finances (got some debts) but don’t miss payments and earn a good salary so ticking along ok. No MH issues, and adapted to motherhood ok I think!
Anyway I’m pregnant with my second. It’s planned. When I told my mother her reaction was to look me in the eye and say “you knew I wouldn’t be happy about this!”. Honestly it was like I was coming home from school at 14 up the duff with no baby daddy!! And no I didn’t “know she wouldn’t be happy about it”. She often joked that she had enough grandchildren now she was all set with the ones she has but I always responded with a jokey “well it’s not down to you is it if we have another!”
We’ve not spoken since although she regularly minds my daughter. We have a fact based handover at pick up and drop off all very awkward. I’m not expecting her to look after number 2 at all - I have factored her out of any future childcare plans.
This silence has been going on for about 10 weeks now. And before that we had almost daily FaceTime and mother was fully involved in all aspects of my life - probably a bit controlling.
She has continued to buy daughter clothes pretty much every time she sees her and has even bought me some maternity clothes which i found in the bag after one visit. I did text to say thank you.
I was so shocked at her reaction to my pregnancy and felt like it has really put a big cloud over what should be a happy time. And I feel bad for my second baby who was not wanted by grandmother and won’t get a look in compared to current grandchildren who are adored and totally spoiled by her. It makes me feel sad.
But AIBU to continue or should I just let it go now and start speaking to her again gradually. (Nobody apologises in my family we just give in and make up eventually. I know this is totally dysfunctional but that’s probably a whole other thread!!)

Does she think you’re expecting her to look after this one too and she doesn’t want to/can’t cope with more? I know a relative of mine is horrified at the idea of her dd having more which she will end up looking after. She’s feeling her age and struggling. Maybe your mum is to9? Either way, write a letter/phone whatever. This seems a bit weird to fall out over.

It sounds like she thinks she will have more kids to take care of. There is no other reason to be so opposed to another grandchild. Perhaps you should tell her that won’t be the case. She’s probably exhausted by your 3yo because it is totally exhausting.

Both /none of your dc should be the long term message.
If she has bought you some maternity stuff maybe she is coming to terms - though it is bizzare imo!!

She has said all along that the regular childcare is only until this sept which we (my brother and I) know and understand and have planned for. And I should add there are currently only 2 grandchildren so this baby will be 3. We’re not all breeding like rabbits by any means. But maybe that is what she’s worried about as she is so involved with the 2 she already has. I still think it was a horrible reaction

It is a horrible reaction. My MIL said when I was pregnant with my first, something along the lines of (it was a long time ago) "oh, I'm not interested in grandchildren anymore" - the upshot was my children had no idea who she was as I wasn't going to visit someone who had no interest in them.

I can totally understand how upsetting that must have been she should have definitely kept her thoughts to herself.

I don't think that you can extrapolate from her thinking another child isn't a good idea to believing that this child is an unwanted grandchild. I do think (assuming this isn't the straw that broke the camel's back) you should start talking to her, especially as she's looking after your DD for you. You obviously trust her enough to do that so she can't be all bad? Surely you could explain to her very calmly, how upset she made you and go from there? The silence just seems so juvenile particularly when she's looking after your kid for you!

Sounds like she thinks it's all about her! And it really isn't. Sorry you got such a crap reaction - how sad that she couldn't be happy for you. In fact, I'll say it for her: "Aww, that's wonderful - congratulations!" and

I think my big concern here would be ensuring that both chn are loved equally. If you really think she will actively favour your first born then I would start cutting back on contact.

You too upset to speak to her but happy for her to continue looking after your 3yo. Some double standards there. A face to face, child free chat in a public place would be a good start.

YANBU

That's an awful way to react to a pregnancy. I think it would probably be worthwhile trying to open a dialogue about it though - if only so you know where you stand and to try to avoid stress.

I did think about organising an extra day in Nursery so she doesn’t do any childcare any more for me but I know for a fact I would be accused of taking my daughter from her. She really is borderline obsessed with the 2 grandchildren she has. It would honestly cause world war three if I stopped her seeing my daughter so regularly. Im not just being a CF about it and getting free childcare while giving the cold shoulder I promise!

well you are talking to her... you are just being less warm and talkative than before.... which is fair enough... she said a nasty thing and upset you, and you are still upset about it.
Its not like youve gone full NC over it... I think its reasonable to be a litte cold after what she said.
And maybe it will actually work out better in the long run if you were finding her controlling before hand? Perhaps this slight distance will actually benefit you

I think that's an outrageous, and absolutely outrageous response. I feel your pain - you went to her with joyful news, and she just totally flattened this for you.

Let's admit, for the sake of argument, that she is worried about being asked to do more childcare. Even if that were the case, this would be a completely inappropriate response. The right thing to do would have been to rejoice with the happy parents-to-be, and - at a much later point, i.e. not that day - make your boundaries about what you will/won't do for childcare clear in a calm and firm way.

I don't know how you go forward from here - I think much depends on how your family functions (or dys-functions!!!) I would be tempted to raise it in a "I feel really hurt by what you said" sort of way.

The important bit here is the controlling nature. And the fact that she still thinks she is 'mum' - and can treat you and your brother like naughty children when something happens that she doesn't like.

That needs knocking on the head, firmly and once and for all now that you have families of your own. If it isn't, you'll end up having a poor relationship at best. Her attitude will rub off on the way she is with your kids, and it will poison things. 'Oh silly Mummy, well I did TELL her to bring a coat but I suppose Granny will have to sort it out... again! Goodness sometimes I really don't think Mummy acts very much like a proper Mummy does she? What a good thing you have Granny to think of these things...'

It happens so easily with a slightly controlling grandparent. Happened with my gran. Really, really had an impact.

Her reaction was horrible. Utterly out of order. Now, everyone says mean things they shouldn't sometimes. But the trouble is, you really have to watch it with people like this once you have kids. Their attitude is seen and noted. You already say she'd cause WW3 if you reacted as most people would to being utterly disrespected - by becoming more distant.

She doesn't have a right to a relationship with your kids. It's a privielge that's pretty dependent on her respecting you as a mother and your family.

You might want to think about considering a small WW3 now to avoid a massive one in a year or so's time.

'I want you to know that what has upset me so much about your comment when I told you about our pregnancy. It's the fact that it told me that unless things change, and you start respecting me as an adult then we will end up with you not seeing us and the kids very much. No way would you ever, EVER even consider making such a rude comment to anyone else. But I'm still your child and you'll tell me off as you see fit? No. No way are my kids growing up seeing their mum being talked down to like that. I can guess me even saying that is going to make you kick off which is only going to prove my point even more. I can't wait for September when there will be no more childcare. Right now the way I'm feeling it'll only take one morre comment for there to be more more childcare full stop.'

How strange. Can you text her and ask why she is giving you the silent treatment?

That's a terrible reaction from your own mother, and I understand you are hurt. But I do think you need to speak to her about it to understand why she had that reaction

I don't think YABU I'd you can stand the slice I don't see why you should talk to her after she had been so incredibly rude.