Babysitter review - this annoys me AIBU

[stormymcstormface]

I can highly recommend X, this coming from the slightly paranoid mother of two extremely precious ivf babies!

Prepared to be flamed if I'm being insensitive ... suspect I might be. But the following is from a babysitter review ... I don't love my children less or cherish them less because of how they were conceived. Why bring it into it!

I think that, if you conceived naturally, it can appear to have the subtext of "your children are less precious and even disposable because you could replace them so easily should anything happen to them. Whereas I could not".

But it is not meant like that. I did take my fertility for granted because it came so, almost too, easily to me. Even in my early 40s, I use two types of contraception because I am almost fearful of it.

I have a friend who went through a premature menopause who finds my fear of becoming pregnant, and even a brief moan about period inconvenience, almost offensive because the thing I fear the most is the thing she desires the most.

Never judge.

I do understand this to be honest. Probably wouldn't have before having DC2, but im definitely more paranoid/overprotective with her than I was with DC1 as she was born very prem and we nearly lost her multiple times. I would think a similar thing is relevant with IVF sometimes, after spending a long time not knowing if your baby will make it, or if your baby will be able to be conceived it will make some people more over protective.

Personally I think yanbu op and that the wording is very off. All babies are equally 'precious' and none are 'extremely' or more precious just because they come after whatever hardships.

However, the multitude of posts after yours with posters in a roundabout way explaining why their babies actually are more precious means I'm probably in the minority.

Madeleine McCann and her siblings were IVF babies: it doesn't matter how the child was conceived, there will always be hugely different parenting styles and babysitting expectations!

My SIL had an IVF baby the month after my PFB. I always remember a cousin gushing about SILs baby as I sat there like a tool as a very new Mum and her saying to SIL ‘baby is just gorgeous. And extra special. A really special baby, you know, more special’. But I know she didn’t really mean to imply that there was a difference in specialness of the babies. Just that she was extra relieved for SIL that her baby was finally here. It was a bit embarrassing to sit there and hear that though.

I don't think the implication is that she loves her children more than you but that she's more likely to be anxious because before she was even able to start her family she had to face the fact that the picture perfect family where nothing is difficult or goes wrong isn't a given.

she had to face the fact that the picture perfect family where nothing is difficult or goes wrong isn't a given

We've all had to face that. What kind of fool even thinks that for a second anyway?

YANBU OP. The number of times I have had people say ‘my baby/child is VERY precious as they are IVF’ staggers me. That’s fine and I get it but the clear implication is that non-IVF children are not precious. Maybe they are disposable even because you know non-IVF parents could just pop out some more so the individual kids don’t matter so much. Horrendous.

If people said, I’m overly anxious as I went through IVF and it’s resulted in burdening anxiety manifesting in over-protectiveness I would completely understand but no-one says that, it’s only that there child is very precious because of IVF.

I have one child that was in hospital for months after birth, we were told to say goodbye several times, a complete rollercoaster. When someone bangs on about their child being precious due to IVF I always wonder, in their brain would that make my child more precious than an IVF child, less precious than an IVF child but more precious than a ‘standard’ child or what? I’ve never asked as I’m too scared of what crazy response may come back. Fucking ridiculous.

We've all had to face that. What kind of fool even thinks that for a second anyway?

We all intellectually know that things can go wrong and worry about it but that's different from actually facing the reality of things going wrong.

You said that people think its a given that they will have a picture perfect family where nothing ever goes wrong. Literally nobody thinks that.

Rosy explains it well and I agree the comment on the review reflects parental anxiety and overprotectiveness.

Is it possible that ‘precious’ is not a relative thing? My baby is not more precious than yours but my (IVF, micro-preemie) is extremely precious. Calling my baby precious doesn’t make yours any less so. ‘Precious’ is a word that I use because it reflects the unusual circumstances, as does ‘miracle’, whereas IME my peers with healthy easily conceived babies don’t use these words though arguably they do believe that their babies are precious little miracles too.

Although I do understand that infertility might make you more anxious with your babies I do also get what you mean. It feels almost like the reviewer is saying that your babies are not as precious as you would find it easy to have another if anything went wrong. Obviously that's not what she actually means it just comes across like that. I have heard similar comments from Mothers of single children eg him doing well matters so much to me as he's an only, makes me feel like I am expected to care less about my two.

The impact of infertility on mental health can be huge. I'm very pregnant with my IVF baby, but still suffer from a degree of PTSD, even though I was lucky enough to have success in the end. I know I will never completely get over the trauma of infertilty. IVF mothers are also statistically more likely to suffer from PND.

I'm sure the reviewer meant that statement as a reflection on herself, rather than a comment on the importance of other peoples babies.

I regard my fiance as slightly precious, because he was a miracle baby.

He was born weighing just a pound at 25 weeks almost thirty years ago, and it was an extreme case that he survived with very little lasting effect upon his health (though many interventions in his early years).

And I didn't even go through that trauma! It just pulls at my heart how little a chance he had and how I might never have known him.

So YABU - she is just contextualising what she thinks is an overprotective attitude on her own part.

I mean, yes and no. It’s a bit wanky, but conceiving my DS cost us the bargain price of a couple of bottles of prosecco and a deliveroo order. If he’d cost me £10k, and all that additional stress and uncertainty, I might feel the need to mention it all the time too! My DS has a heart condition and nearly died at 4 weeks. I often mention it to explain why I’m sometimes overprotective -
Perhaps she just meant it like that?

It's just a review, I wouldn't dwell on it. People express themselves in different ways. My first took 6 months, my second took 4 years with a lot medical intervention, I didn't enjoy the pregnancy with dc2 because of previous losses and the stress of contemplating more treatment if it went wrong but I don't think DC2 is more precious then my first, yes I was very paranoid in pregnancy but it didn't make my child any more or less important.

To be entirely honest, I would think she sounds smug. She doesn't mean to, but frankly, it makes me me hear 'woo hoo, look at me, I won the IVF lottery twice'.

But, I would give myself a stern mental talking-to as I thought that. And so should you, OP. She's being a bit of a twit but it doesn't harm you or anyone else.

YANBU

The way we conceive our babies does not determine the level of love we have for them. For example an IVF mum could abuse her child whilst a natural conception could be the most amazing parent in the world. I find it quite rude of the person writing the review to suggest for one second her child is more precious.

I used to work with someone who really believed she loved her baby more than the rest of us because she had taken a few years to conceive
Used to really piss me off

We've all had to face that. What kind of fool even thinks that for a second anyway?

But there are plenty of people who do just assume that all will work out for them. The pregnancy boards are full of women who start planning their maternity leave and assuming they'll have a baby at 4 weeks pregnant. And lots of them never have that bubble burst (lots do, of course, sadly). It's a product of both personality and life experience - some people are pessimistic even if nothing has gone wrong for them, but there are plenty of people who go through life assuming bad things will never happen to them, and they can for as long as they don't.

There are not plenty of people who think they will have "a picture perfect family where nothing ever goes wrong" as the pp claimed.
Yes people who are lucky enough to have had it easy in some ways dont' anticipate all the possible issues, but thats hardly the same thing and Im sure you know that,

It’s a weird thing to say, and not relevant to the review.

I'm glad you understand OP, kudos for seeing that YWB a bit U.

This woman is writing from a personal perspective. She is talking about herself, no one else. Why do some MNetters think that her statement says anything about them?

I used to work in nurseries and there’s a distinct difference between the over protectiveness of an ivf baby and a naturally conceived baby IMO, we always noticed it. I think the Mum might mean ‘if I’m so crazily overprotective this person must be great for all kids’ not ‘you’d let an axe murder look after your kids because you conceived them naturally’ if you know what I mean

Yes, YABU. she is not saying hers are more precious than yours - her's were just harder to get, thats all. Stop reading into something thats not there.