To think my husband is being lazy?

[JAlfredPrufrock]

OH and I are both teachers and our son is at a childminder two days a week during the local borough's term time. However, my husband's school is breaking up a couple of weeks earlier than this for the summer holidays, so I suggested we ask the childminder if she is happy not to have our son during these weeks. (Money is v tight at the moment, so we are looking at lots of ways to cut costs.)

My husband has now thrown a mild tantrum because he already had plans during the first week of his holiday (to go out drinking with his mates one day and to meet up with family another day) and as these days "won't be relaxing" he wanted to use the days our son is at the childminder to "really wind-down".

AIBU to think he's being selfish and lazy?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. It's the end of term and he probably does have plans and was looking forward to resting a bit.

Yeah agree with the PP it's only 2 days out of two weeks, I think YABU

I can see both sides can you not compromise and he gets one week to himself and the other you take your ds out of childminders.

But before you suggest that, what policy does your childminder have if you take your little boy out when she was counting on the money from caring for your son?

Thanks for responses. Just to clarify, I haven't asked him not to continue with his plans - just to look after our son on the days he doesn't have plans. It would save us £120, which is not insignificant IMO.

Of course YANBU! If he has no plans then he should care for his son, you shouldn't have to ask him, it should be a given. This is what parenthood is! Are you getting a few days to chill too?!

I can't imagine the childminder would be happy with that?

I think you will have to pay the childminder whether your son attends or not.

YANBU. He’s being seriously lazy. Doesn’t he want to spend fun Dad-DC time in the holidays?

Does he work more in term time to compensate for long holidays? Also agree child minder will prob still want payment. I think yabu.

Oh well that does seem reasonable then, what's his excuse for not wanting to look after him when he has no plans?

Yanbu but unfortunately such is life, I'm assuming if you'd finished first it wouldn't even be up for discussion!!

My CM agreement is that I pay whether he attends or not and that seems pretty standard.

I occasionally take a day off when my son is looked after for some proper downtime. I’m not a teacher but I’d imagine they’d need a proper rest more than most.

The childminder has mentioned that things are a bit of a struggle as she's just started having work done to her house, which is why I think she may go for it. If she doesn't, then fine, it's a moot point.

OH had kicked off just when I've mentioned broaching the subject with her. His argument is that his planned days (drinking session with friends and meeting up with family) won't be fully relaxing, and so he needs those days with our son in childcare to "fully unwind".

Will your son be in childcare when your school breaks up?

Oh, and I am also a full-time teacher (with a management role!) and, no, I will not be getting full days off with no children to look after!

So neither of you will be sending your son to the CM during the 6 weeks Summer holidays?

In that case YANBU. If you're skint, he should also be looking at ways to save money. Seems like a no brainer to keep your DS home.

You both need to decide what is worth spending money on and what isn't. If one is adamant, such as in this case, that it's worth £120 and the other doesn't then that person should cut back on other things.

It might be a non argument, the CM might not agree to that, anyway.

I have this and I have to say I look forward to them for months I assuage my guilt with the knowledge that I’d have to pay the childminder whatever I do....

I think an adult discussion re finances is fair enough but you can’t unilaterally decide this for your DH.

I think if he gets them he also takes DC for some daytrips to give you space when you’re off though...

So he gets his days off he’s already planned-I’d be pissed off if my dh planned my days off for me! Rest of the time he has your ds, makes sense to me. I take it he’s in a private school and you’re not?

I think you Are being a bit mean. I would be a bit grumpy if I made plans then my OH changed them for me or made me feel pressurised into changing them.

I guess the money is a mutual decision but I’d be extremely clear that he gets to take over at home to give you your childfree days over the holidays, not just it’s ok to spend £120 so he can relax at home and you don’t get a minute on your own.

I love childfree days. I have a complex medical condition and work in a high paced job part time which means I really need them. Normally I get them when both kids are at school (I do a fair amount of life / kid related stuff then too) but am dreading the summer when those days will be childcare. Teaching is v stressful so I do understand. Could you not give each other that time ( a day off each for example) when you are both off?

YABU and sound like you're jealous that he has the opportunity for some time alone tbh. I'd never begrudge my DP sending DD to nursery (as contracted) so he can have a day to himself. He works hard and deserves it.

I can give him child-free days when I am also on holiday! We'll have 6 weeks where I can take the children away to give him a break (and vice versa). This is why I'm finding it irritating that he also requires the days off when our son is in childcare, as it's a bloody expensive way of him relaxing.

There is an element of jealousy, of course, but I also think his demands are excessive. One day of drinking with mates, one day catching up with family, and one day where our son is being looked after by relatives anyway (none of which I'm arguing with); apparently he also needs the other two days of the week to "relax" at a cost of £60 per day...