Extreme Exploitation by Adult Child

[Ishtak2000]

Not so sure where to start with this as it's so extreme but we need advice.

My brother in law, 'V' is 31 years old, he went to college for a few years after school but then didn't go on to study for a degree or other HE. He has never had a job, part time or full time apart from working for Tesco for 4 weeks as a casual staff member for a temporary period in 2001.

He receives some DLA, now PIP as he has mild cerebral palsy which has affected his mobility as he required operations on his legs when he was younger. He rides a bike and cycles around as well as walking.

He does have OCD and suffers from depression and anxiety but is not on any medication, will not go to counselling and will not seek any support or take any.

V lives at home with his parents, his father is a pensioner and his mother is on benefits - Incapacity (ESA) and PIP due to a number of serious health issues.

V refuses to sign on to claim any benefits, he refuses to fill in the forms to get ESA as he claims that 'they,' will make him jump through hoops and do too many things. He would never sign on as he said that was for 'scroungers' and they make you go down there every two weeks....

He refuses to look for a job and gets angry when questioned on this, he says going to university is a waste of time because there are 'no jobs'

On a daily basis his mother has to ask him to help with house work and he does when he has to but complains and gets angry when he's asked too many times.

Basically he's in his 30's, won't look for a job, won't even claim benefits and won't go on any college courses, won't seek help and won't take advice.

He gets about £60 a week in total for his PIP and spends this on video games and going out with his friends. He doesn't contribute to the household costs, bills or shopping and so is being carried through life by his parents on their pensions/benefits as they pay for the gas/elec/water/tv/shopping etc

He refuses to take any responsibility for anything, when his Dad was ill awhile ago we expressed concern and asked him to keep an eye on his Dad, we asked him how his Dad was and his replies were 'that's not my business, nothing to do with me'.

When his sister had some trouble with a boyfriend scamming her, someone that he knew, he refused to get involved and said 'that's nothing to do with me'.

This to me seems like an extreme situation, the kind of lazy, scrounging that wouldn't go amiss on the Jeremy Kyle show. I'm probably being harsh as he clearly needs to get his mental health addressed but he won't go and see anyone and refuses everything he's offered.

Please, we need advice, what do we do? As his parents are both getting on they are looking to us for answers and wanting to know who will look after him when they're gone....this is a grown man who goes out drinking and partying with his friends every weekend, laughing and joking all the time, playing games and watching films!

Our children are embarrassed by their uncle because although they love him, they just don't understand why he's at home with his mum and dad doing nothing with his life.

I'd be tempted to tell him upfront that he's bang out of order. And point out that after his parents are gone noone will be carrying him. Has anyone done this?

I’d ask him up front what his plans are when his parents have passed and no-one (especially you and your DH) is planning to step into their shoes and carry him through life. He sounds like a lazy scrounger who needs a serious wake up call.

I've just been for an ESA assessment. They ran over two hours behind. There was an Autistic Woman with her Carer who was hysterical and throwing up, because of the wait in a strange place. They told her that if she didn't wait her benefits would be stopped. I could go into details about the others. he is right when it comes to benefits.

However he should be getting help.

You could try a family meeting. but it will only work if his Parents will stick to be tough and be prepared to even phone the Police if they feel threatened.

He needs motivation and the only way is to get tough.

His Mother may not die until he is over 50 and he may well slot into supported living somewhere.

Also, depression and anxiety disorders are common in people with CP, that may not be able to be helped enough for him to hold down a job.

How does his OCD affect him?

I'd call social services; google "[named] local council - adult safeguarding' and tell the duty SW your ILs are being exploited. It's actually very common. ILS will probably choose to not make a complaint but it might give BIL a fright.

31 is still quite young, so he left school 15 years ago, mild cerebral palsy - he must have had some interventions in place, SW?

I could be well off the mark here, as I don't really know what I'm talking about but...

Does he not either need to be working or need to be claiming benefits in order to accumulate points for NI or whatever, so that he will be eligible for a pension when he's older?

Or..

Am I talking absolute bollocks?

Sometimes OCD can affect ability to fill in forms/deal with officialdom. I have OCD and am affected in that way. Could his refusal to deal with that side of things be due to extreme anxiety hidden by bravado?

I am not excusing the treatment of his parents by the way. That is unacceptable.

Mild cerebral palsy? Are you kidding me? Did you never think that behaviour could be symptomatic of that/associated learning disability/lack of awareness etc? Believe you me, if someone manages to get through the hoops of PIP, they are either a genius or y'know, actually disabled. Ffs

Anyone can apply for PIP and ESA for him. You could, for instance. He can be assessed at home if he can't travel.

Is the problem that he's ill, but the real problem is that he's awful? and expensive?

The longer you leave it, the worse it will get, as you don't need me to remind you. There's an appalling shock in the wings for him when his parents die; cosy flats and kindly wardens in supported living don't tend to be allotted to single workless men of working age. He might get a bedsit or a place in a hostel if he applies.

OP do his parents own their home? Because if they do, frankly that's his life plan, when they're gone he will take his share and live on takeaway etc

I bet he'll get a girlfriend too.

I think this is unfair in a way on him; you obviously think he is lazy/belligerent/completely at fault for all this. But how did he become like this? His parents are, in my opinion, partly at fault for not guiding him to the right choices and being firmer earlier. They have created this situation.

@NewYearNewMe18
That's sweet, but adult services won't record this as a safeguarding concern. There's nothing in OP that makes it so (e.g. if disabled parents wanted him to move out but he refused and intimidated them instead.. Or he stole all their food d livered each werk, leaving them without & hungry..).
The only thing you can do as a family is to support your parents to be clear if they want to add rules to his living there and support them in how they deliver that message to him (so that he can't ignore it).

Someone in receipt of Pip though, has care or mobility needs themselves. It's for additional disability costs, really not meant to be used to cover basic living costs (i.e. on its own!)

You can be disabled and work. You can be disabled and unable to work.

You can also be disabled and still be a dick. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

Right now he has no reason to get a job. He has a house, all his bills are paid and he doesn't actually have to do anything he doesn't want to because his parents do it all for him. If he was in a different family set up he may well still have all his issues and problems but the outcome for him would be very different and he might lack the capacity to really grasp that, or he might not care.

The reality is - when his parents pass away, he will have to fend for himself. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he actually can't do household tasks reliably (it's one thing to clean when you are told but another thing to be responsible for remembering, carrying it out properly and keeping it up etc). Maybe he can't hold down a job. Maybe he needs support to access benefits he is entitled to and support that would sit within his rigid ideas about people making him do things. I would say adult social services might be a good starting point if only to highlight the abuse of his parents, but also to seek support for him, so that eventually he can be helped either to live independently or to find supported housing so he isn't left suddenly alone, with no life skills, and without the ability to access help due to his disabilities making him close himself off from people who might help him.

Any clues on what the pil’s will says? Are they leaving him an equal share of the house? If so, yes, this is his life plan.

There was a news article this week about the 30 year old American who contributed nothing, did nothing and refused to move out of his parents’ house. They took him to court to get rid of him. This will be you guys trying to get the house sold when your pils are gone. :( He needs to at least get his arse into gear over sorting out benefits.

I was going to post pretty much what minniemummy0 posted.

You can't just blame him for this.

It also strikes me as odd that they are now coming to you for help. Is this so they can have someone to blame further down the line?

to appeal to his selfish side, if he's not signing on, that will effect his eligibility to a state pension won't it!?

LanaorAna2, you can't apply for ESA for someone, unless you have their permission. It is extremely difficult to get a home visit for an ESA assessment. He hasn't got grounds for a HV.

He will be classed as a Vulnerable Adult and would be considered for supported living of some sort, or at the least Charity involvement.

OP, I agree with other posters and stand by my first post. Your PILs have fostered an environment of learned helplessness. It will take tough talk to turn things around.

Does anyone believe the state pension will exist by the time he gets there? I can't see that working as an incentive.

Also posters talking about life skills, as I said, if he gets a share of the house he will deal with that way. I know men like this who've just got girlfriends to sort it out as well and sadly there are loads of women ready to take that on.

If his parents do own their home they’ll need to be careful when it comes to a Will. If he is financially dependent on them he might try and contest more than his share on the basis that they were looking after him, not that he was sponging off them. They might want to carefully set out why they don’t feel he should get any more than that.

I think he has some very real and significant problems.

OCD in itself can be extremely debilitating if untreated and he also has Depression. I wonder if he also has ADHD as a result of his neurological problem/cerebral palsy as he seems to be very avoidant of challenging situations and to seek immediate gratification from games and drinking etc. He probably is aware that his life is not amounting to anything.

I wonder if with your in-laws support you and your DH could speak to your BIL and tell him that his behaviour is affecting his family and sabotaging his future. Tell him that he needs to start therapy, help around the house and work out what his next step is going to be. His parents could write a contract that he must stick to in order to continue living with them.