...to consider having another baby?

[mammamatriarch]

I have three lovely healthy children. Rationally I know having another child could likely be detrimental to everyone. But....I am nearing forty it's now or never and I am yearning one last go. I have no big career and I just love being with my family. Deep down I think I probably know it's selfish, but its an itch I cannot scratch!

If you can't afford it and it will cause problems, don't have one.

You have 3 kids already and it sounds like a 4th will be too much. This might just be the start of menopause talking to be honest, wanting to procreate before time runs out.

How would it be detrimental?

How does your DP/DH feel about this?

If you can afford it then it's not selfish at all. Why would it be? It's your choice because it's your body

You are mad! I'm 38, have 2 boys and would rather poke my own eyes out with a spoon than have another child.

YANBU x

Can you afford to? Emotionally and financially? If so, go ahead.

I know the feeling, I have 3 and really want a forth but we don't have the room really. DH and I are starting to look into moving somewhere bigger though so its a possibility. I guess you just have to see if DH is on board with the idea, if he isn't then obviously you can't force him into it but you could try to convince him why this could be a postitive thing for you all and explain to him how much you want another child

My DH is as bad as me, flip-flopping between yes & no. My other children are vehemently against it (sometimes we have joked with them about it to test the water!).

When I say detrimental, I mean we can't really afford it & I guess I believe deep down that it would spread us too thin (emotionally etc).

Then two minutes later I think things like, "you only live once". "I have so much love", "is there anything else I would want to do with my life...no". "How lovely for my other children to have one more person in their life" (we don't really have any other family).

We had number four last year.

Perfect family size for us now, and wasn't much different than having three.

I sympathise. Children are expensive eg music lessons etc and unless you are super rich then there is only so much disposable income to go round, so the more children the less you can offer them in terms of activities and opportunities

Posted too soon

On the other hand children are awesome and watching and helping them grow from babies to children and eventually adults is truly amazing.

So can you afford it without a detrimental impact on the other children. Not just financially but in terms of being able to help and support. Four lots of homework is a lot to help with every night

I’d say go for it mamma - we have 4 and for us, it’s perfect.
Plus, once you’ve had 3 - you already have all the baby clothes, equipment etc
I love being a mamma too - hope you do whatever feels right for your little family - ( whispers ) do it 💕

OP how old are your 3 children? Not that it matters really, but I'm just nosy!!

I always think that 4 small children is all very well but unfortunately, eventually you will have 4 teenagers. I have 2 teenagers and that is more than enough, believe me.

Can you see yourself with 4 teenagers and everything that entails?

10, 8 & 5 - all boys. So this would be a much bigger age gap, so hopefully the existing gang would not suffer too much and see their younger brother (it sooo would be another boy!) as a cute add-on rather than competition..?!?

My BIL and SIL have 5 DC, it's worked out really well for them, and they all seem to be well adjusted kids, aged between 9 and 17 (18 this year). My DSis has 4 DC, the oldest is her DSS, who was 10 when she married his dad, but she was his primary carer for some years.

As for me, I have 2 adopted DDs (9 and 6). I've had people say, 'Doesn't your DH want to adopt a little boy he can play trains with?' (As if he can't do that with our DDs, and we have 6 nephews anyway.) But the thought of going through potty training again makes me very glad we only have two!

There's no right or wrong with this decision, as long as you can afford it and your DH is on board, then why not??

but would you feel sorry for the you gest and tgen start thinking about having no. 5 to be a companion? Could you considwr fostering in the next few years?

nothing wrong with having a fourth though, whatever's right for your family

Just wanted to add my two cents here (my ds is an only child) but I have a lot of siblings (think 6+).

My mother had more because she wanted more but I feel as though it damaged our relationship. Unfortunately the older children get shelved for a bit and I feel my mother has missed out on a lot of things with me because of it.

However, I adore my siblings and we are all close.

OP I feel an affinity with you....I have 3 boys with the exact same age gap and I'll be 40 when the youngest is 5! Am already thinking about no 4 🙈is that insane (the youngest hasn't had his first birthday yet).

Go for it I say. You clearly love the chaos of a busy household. My friends with 4 say what's one more?!

Our thoughts when deliberating over having no 3 is that if it's not a straight no, then it's a yes. People say head over heart...when it comes to family, heart wins every time.

I had 3 boys. 13, 9 and 8. I couldn’t get rid of the feeling of missing something and at 38, it was now or never. We now have 1 year old dd. I’m knackered, completely knackered. We won’t have a foreign holiday this year.

Wouldn’t change it for a second. She’s utterly joyful.

Good luck xx

My other children are vehemently against it

hopefully the existing gang would not suffer too much and see their younger brother (it sooo would be another boy!) as a cute add-on rather than competition..?!

OK, maybe you need to take the rose-tinted specs off for a min as these statements do not compute.

The existing kids don't seem to want another sibling, so it would be foolish to assume that they will simply fall in love with their new sibling. Do consider all eventualities, just because you are enamoured with babies does not mean they will be too. Will they feel displaced at all? Not like they have competition, not jealousy but displacement - the feeling that there is no longer a place for them due to the new arrival. Of course, it may well be great and I sincerely hope it is but please do prepare yourself for the fact that the children that are already here may not be as overjoyed as you.

We have 5. When my youngest was born the others were 9, 10, 12 and 14. Sometimes it feels like we were mad and it is hard work. I was almost 40 and I do feel more tired. BUT.... he is amazing and was like a glue that brought the whole family back together just at the point where the other kids were starting to drift off into their bedrooms on ipads.

If you can't really afford another baby I think you'd be crazy to have one. Of course they are cute and lovely and all that but they stay small for such a short time.

But need feeding, clothing and everything else for many years to come.

The existing kids don't seem to want another sibling, so it would be foolish to assume that they will simply fall in love with their new sibling.

in my experience they do fall in love though. I am talking of my exlerience and that of friends. Interested to know if thats true for everyone.