AIBU about legal guardians?

[RebelRogue]

I was talking to my mum today about wills,the future and stuff. I mentioned We're debating wether to name DD's godparents or my best friend as legal guardians in worst case scenario. Mum went completely ballistic...how can I think of letting DD live with strangers, what about her, she should be the one doing it, I'm not thinking clearly,how will she have a relationship with DD and that DD belongs with family. I tried to explain my point of view and why I believe this is what's best for DD but she wouldn't have it ...all tears and how could I think this way and that I'm not thinking of her.

For background my mum is 65 now, lives in a different country and does not speak english at all.

Tbh it never even occurred to me to consider her as an option. I get that it's hurtful,but this is about what would be best for DD.

This is 'Your parents 101' - do not tell them stuff they do not need to know and which will make them go ballistic.

You're right. Chances are the children don't even speak her language, and it would be cruel to uproot them and send them to live in a foreign country

YANBU the guardians decide what us best for your DC you need someone that truly knows what is best for your DC.

@RandomMess exactly. She'd get to stay in a country she knows and is a citizen of. With people she knows and loves (and their children), speak a language she's native with , go into a school system she's familiar with. Be with people that have similar parenting styles and values. And more importantly be with people that could talk to her about both her parents and keep both her parents' memory alive, not jus me.
This was my thinking when I made my decision.

I agree that she doesn't need to know, particularly because it may never be needed.

Surely the people that you should be discussing this with are the people that you are thinking of nominating?

@Birdsgottafly I already did. We wouldn't decide and nominate someone without making sure is something they are completely comfortable with.
As I said we were talking wills and the conversation turned to worst case scenario. I guess I could've just said I haven't decided yet,but doubt she would've been happy with that either.

Tell your mother what she wants to hear and hope that the worst doesn't happen!

Tbh I think it's right to tell your parents. If the worst happened, you wouldn't want to leave your mum with her not knowing what your thought processes were or why you chose these particular guardians. Even though she isn't happy, at least you can explain and let her know this is about continuity for your dc and not a rejection of her. Important to do that because you would hate for her to feel rejected when you weren't here to put that right.
Also if she knows on advance she has time to get used to the idea and know that this was truly your wish. If it gets sprung on her and she is grieving, she may be more inclined to contest your wishes.
I would talk to her and explain and try to make her feel better. Also put in your will the arrangements for continuation of the gp relationship - it will help her to know it's taken care of.

Don't tell her "what she wants to hear", it might get her fired up for a residency battle, if the worst happens.

I don't think it's a conversation that you should have with her.

It's likely that your DD wouldn't be allowed to leave the UK, whilst she was under 14, to go to a much older relative.

The gut reaction would be, to be a little hurt. Until you thought it out properly. under UK Law, it doesn't change anything for her, the responsibility of the new Carers keeping up family connections is written into our Child Laws.

@Birdsgottafly the legality of DD going to live over there is not something I actually considered (since it was not an option for me) so thank you. Rephrasing it as unable due to laws might help smooth things over.

You can also assure her that she will always be her grandma and the guardians will ensure their relationship as such will be maintained!

@RandomMess definitely. Despite her not being the best mum(being kind here) I have made all the efforts to build and maintain a relationship between her and DD. We went over there, she came here a few times for several weeks, we(DD too) talk on skype and WhatsApp etc. I know my friends would support that too (at least skype and DD visiting) because I've talked to them about it.