Long post! Posted before about my marriage which was abusive at times and had issues surrounding alcohol and me being away from the home etc
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3217702-Husband-getting-drunk-with-children-Going-to-have-to-give-up-on-my-dreams-Please-help
Followed by
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3223966-To-be-angry-about-being-called-names-because-I-go-out-once-a-week
We separated 7 weeks ago and anyone who followed the story will be pleased to know he is still gone. I didn't crack. I didn't ask him to come back and he is moving into a place of his own (been with his parents) next weekend. He sees the children one day a week (can't and won't be able to have them overnight with him as he's renting a room in a shared house not a flat etc) property is 10 min walk from my house .
I claimed all the benefits I was entitled to claim so that's all been dealt with with regards to rent being paid council tax relief tax credits etc. Ex has been giving me £100 each week for the kids or to help with bills etc
Anxiety on my part had started to creep in. My sleep is very disturbed at night. No real reasons why. I don't drink alcohol / caffeine before bed etc. It's just starting to become a problems getting to sleep and then staying asleep.
During the day I want to sleep just go get rid of the sick feeling the pain and the anxiety. I have gone back to taking escitalopram for anxiety in an attempt to calm me (the insomnia and wanting to oversleep was there before the meds so it's not them causing it)
I am also seeing (paid for privately from my own savings ) a counsellor once a week in an attempt to pick through all the complex feelings and emotions / abuse I have suffered etc.
Not heard a peep from my in-laws in 6 weeks . Zilch. They have seen the kids as ex has taken them down there to visit etc but I feel raging with anger they haven't got in touch to ask if we are ok , how I am etc . I know their loyalty lies with their darling son. They know he was abusive. They have seen and heard the consequences many times. So I am enraged really that a woman they have known for almost 16 years they haven't even enquired after. I mean raging angry.
At first I felt free, relief and positive he was gone. Now I feel unhappy, angry , hurt and let down and abandoned. My father never wanted me and walked away from me as a newborn baby and this feels like history repeating. Another man walking out on me and not loving me anymore. (I am going over all this with my counsellor) I am angry at the names he called me. I feel a fat useless worthless mess.
I am trying to keep busy. I painted the garden fence last weekend and brought some flowers to plant out there. I spend alot of time at home and now it will be along with four young children so I want to try and make it a nice space for me and them. It all feels so empty , pointless and souless to be honest . Being able to buy what I want and make my own choices free from running them past someone else and risk criticism or abuse feels alien. I feel lost and like I have been flung off a cliff.
Thought about getting rid of my mattress and getting a new one which he hasn't slept on with me. Decorating my bedroom. But then I feel sad and don't feel ready as it means all trace of the life we shared is being erased and it's another sign it's over. I feel so so let down. I feel guilty that I saw my opportunity to get free from him and I took it.
Are these feelings normal. I am guessing they probably are. I am not wavering and thinking of having him back and besides he doesn't want to. That makes me angry too. That he has made no attempt to want to come back or to try and make things right in any way. I am probably rambling I realise. Just trying to get it all out somewhere
A very good friend of mine has listened to many of my ramblings and rants about all of this. He is a separate issue. We get on very well as friends and I have feelings for him. I have had them for a while but not acted on them as I was married. Not suggesting jumping into something with him (j have kids who need stability not another man around before people jump down my throat) this man has made it clear he doesn't want a relationship with anyone . Hes been single a long while , no kids and seems quite happy with his life this way. He stays in alot . A couple of times now we have had plans to meet up for a drink or bite to eat and he's cancelled for different reasons. Each time I have gone mental by text saying he doesn't want to see me, what's wrong with me. What have I done wrong etc etc . I realise this is in huge part due to the shit I have been through with ex . So anyone showing the slightest sign of not wanting to do something with me I lose the plot and go mental basically .
I miss him when I don't see him. Always look forward to our chats or messages. Think about him alot. Is this me clinging onto something as a distraction. Wanting to feel wanted. Etc . The thought of him meeting someone to be his girlfriend breaks my heart but I think I will ruin the friendship if I tell him. Could he be waiting for me to sort my life out and get myself into a better place ?
Help. So much going on. So much :(