Hated my wedding

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Long, long, long time poster with a name change (since when have we needed numbers?!) in case of a DM slow day.

I got married last year and whilst the reception was fantastic, the ceremony itself was awful. The register office screwed up the music and readings so there were none, told us my dad couldn’t walk me down the aisle and then changed their mind when we were already in the room (hugely upsetting him) and then had the next bride waiting to come in as soon as we walked out - making us feel like we were on a conveyor belt.
It’s bugged me for the last year so I’ve just submitted a complaint to the council. The ceremony was the most important part for us and we felt like it was just crap, no care or personalisation at all.
We couldn’t afford much so there wasn’t really a reception, just a bit of food at our house after. Wedding was over by 6pm. The ceremony was the most important thing for us.

Aibu being upset by this a year later? We’d been promised music, readings, a special day and then when we got there we were told that actually we couldn’t have any of that (cd player didn’t work and they forgot about the readings until after).
My DH and I are pretty laid back about most things but it took us a year to save for this tiny ceremony and we’re not going to be able to repeat it - we’re married now and the money is spent!

So aibu? Should I get over it? Is this just what weddings are like?

That’s sad. You need to consider what can make you feel better about it. Did you ask the council for any solutions or was your letter just a rant?

Would you consider some kind of ceremony celebrating your marriage, perhaps at a separate venue altogether? Humanist celebrants are fantastic at this. If the council were able to offer some sort of refund perhaps you could work towards this?

Surprisingly, the letter was quite reasoned I asked them to investigate, outlined where I thought they’d gone wrong (communication) and asked them to look at improving their communication. We’ve not asked for any kind of refund.
I did think about having a re-do with a celebrant but to be honest, it would be an added expense. We’d have to hire another venue and a celebrant would cost the same as the refund (if we were offered one in full). I think our families would wonder why we were doing it too.
I think we’ve done it now, it’s sad but I just want the register office to learn from their mistakes. There’s nothing they can do about fixing our wedding but maybe highlighting this will prevent it happening to someone else.
It just sucks really.

Were you given any information sheet, or have you checked their website? Because we were given something that more or less make them not responsible for anything going wrong.

It said that they would try to accommodate music but couldn't guarantee it. Said that they would endeavour to make sure the ceremony would take place in time and that we'd have time to take pictures before the next couple arrived, but couldn't promise it.

In my council, you would have no chance of suing on the basis of what you've described, but maybe your council isn't as savvy!

I think you’re right to feel let down, and your letter does sound very reasonable. Hopefully you’ll save someone else the same experience.

Could you have a one year anniversary party with friends, something a bit special but wouldn’t have to be too expensive.

Let it go let it go

It's just a day and can't even see you getting a written apology from the council.

I hated my wedding because of family issues with my brother and SIL. It sucks but the bad memories do slowly fade. You could try to let it go, or an alternative might be to embrace it, admit to friends and family that it didn't go as you wanted and hold an informal 'do-over' on the anniversary. It could just be a big party at your house, maybe even a bbq, and ask guests to bring some food and drink so that coat wouldn't be so great for you. It would be more like a family party than a wedding admittedly, but it might be a nicer memory to have of the date

My registry office wedding took place 30 years ago in another country where there was censorship/limited freedom of speech. When we asked if we could read a poem at the wedding, the official looked suspicious and asked "What's a poem?" We began to explain and he interrupted with "Is it political?" We tried to keep straight faces and assured him it was not.

Despite this and the whole thing being of course quite short, they did do their best to make it feel special for us so I understand that your experience must have been a disappointment.

Look on the bright side, there's a 50% chance you'll get divorced and then you can make sure the next wedding is perfect.

You're not being unreasonable and I think getting in touch with them as you have will help you moving on.

I worked as a part-time assistant registrar for a short time and I'm pretty appalled at how badly they handled your ceremony. The only rule we had which is universal for civil weddings is no religious music. My job was to see the people when they came in, fill out the beginning of their certificate and make sure all the details matched with what had been given in when they registered to have the wedding, generally I was in charge of the music as well, which I made sure was exactly as they wanted. We'd talk with the registrar who would take the wedding re requests for readings, etc. Basically, we were trying to help make the ceremony right for the couples, because it was important, we looked after them before and immediately afterwards as well. Lots of smiles and happiness, because it's a wedding and it means a lot to people. I loved it, because it was a job where everyone was happy! We once had a cowboy wedding which was great!

I'm really sorry it was so crap, but one day you can have a simple day with your friends where you maybe go through a personal ceremony again, no registrar, just a personal thing, music, readings, happiness. I do know how you feel because at my mum's funeral I was supposed to do a reading, which was a poem she and I had decided on. She had also wanted me to do a reading in the church. The priest wouldn't allow the reading, because I wasn't a proper Catholic anymore. He agreed that I could read the poem at the crematory. He then just went through everything so quickly that some people didn't make it from the church to that service in time, and it seemed to me that he deliberately "forgot" to let me read the poem. I was devastated. Three years later when my brother died we had a service with no one officiating. I arranged it, talked, asked people who wanted to get up and speak about him to do so, and it was an absolutely lovely "service". The funeral people told me afterwards that it was one of the loveliest they'd seen and that meant the world to me.

The upset and sadness does fade, but you are certainly NBU to feel this way a year on.

Ravenesque- I’m so sorry to hear about your mother’s funeral. Your brother’s sounded beautiful, a really lovely service.

Just to be clear, I have no intention of suing!

When we booked we were given an information pack for the room we’d booked which said what was provided, what we could have, what we couldn’t. We also spoke to the co-ordinator. With the music we were told in writing that the CD player had an iPod dock and Bluetooth setting so we could play music through our phones. Got there and was told it was only a CD player. Music was on our phones. Weren’t given an alternative or a cd of basic music or anything so had no music. They just said we’d been given the wrong information.
It seemed to be that they’d either sent us the wrong booking pack or else the coordinator hadn’t spoken to the registrars and was promised things they couldn’t deliver. All we’ve asked for is for them to get the teams to work better together so it doesn’t happen to someone else.

Ifailed - thanks for that delightful message

Personally I'd put it behind you and look to having a small event as an anniversary celebration later on, where you can have things exactly as you wish.

The one thing that is now an option is to marry in a non-religious ceremony in places that are not registry offices. Worth pointing out to the registry office about the choices now available, and that you would not want someone else to have what you had. Perhaps contact one of your local councillors as well.

An anniversary celebration is a good idea though.

Sorry to hear this. Part of my work is writing bespoke, personalised ceremonies for people. I've heard a few stories about registrars being diifficult. For the most part they are great and aim to do a good job but unfortunately they often don't have the resources to really get to know people and cater to them.

However what you've described seems like bad planning and organisation and not just a bad egg. It would certainly be worth complaining to them so they can correct it going forwards.

I guess there's very little you can do about the ceremony that has passed, but perhaps in a couple of years or on a meaningful anniversary you could renew your vows and get the ceremony you wanted.

Good luck with it all.

traciebanbanjo - what do you mean "it's just a day"?
It was the OP's wedding day and she would want to have happy memories of it, surely?

YANBU. A renewal sounds grand. As there's no need for legal you could have it anywhere you like, even get a friend to do the deed. That'd be really special!

I think if they messed up your ceremony you should definitely give them feedback, at least so they can improve their service. I was annoyed that during my civil ceremony the registrar lead a round of applause after both readings and I wrote to them afterwards and told them.

Thanks all. The really frustrating thing about it is that we weren’t fussed about having a big wedding, we didn’t have a first dance or a big do or anything. We didn’t care about that. The important thing for us was the ceremony - that was what we took the most care with. So it was quite disappointing to have no music, no chance of dad walking me down the aisle, and no readings just because they couldn’t communicate with each other.
If I’d known the ceremony was going to be that bare I wouldn’t have booked.
If that’s what we had wanted then we would have booked that (it was an option but it wasn’t what we wanted).

I’m liking the sound of doing a renewal. We just missed a significant anniversary though so may have to wait a while.
We have family abroad who couldn’t afford to fly over and were disappointed to miss it. We tried to do a little bbq party over there but my dress was too big to fit in the car and DH forgot his suit so it ended up just being a bit of a wash out.
DH’s family have a lovely house with a big beautiful window that could be nice...

Your DHs parents house sounds lovely. And don't sweat the guest list, it could be just you and your DH if that's what makes you happy. Hell people can even skype in if they want, or get someone to set up a tripod and record it. Whatever you two want for your day this time

Yes - when the time is right for you, you can renew your vows. And this time you will be free to orchestrate it in anyway you like and make sure you can include everything and everyone you want.

YANBU to not have enjoyed your wedding day. I had the dream wedding ruined by a few things which I still can't forget about six years later xx

Everyone else had a great time