Difficult relationship with MIL

[Lizzie48]

Yes, this is yet another MIL thread. I feel awful about this, but my MIL has always tried too hard to have a close mother-daughter relationship with me. At the start she wanted me to call her 'Mum', I refused and she did accept it eventually. But she's also a very tactile person, likes hugs and kisses, which I find stressful as I don't like that at all (because I like to have boundaries, which I was never allowed as a child).

She's also always wanted lots of telephone contact, which my DH does give her and I'm okay with it as it's not every day now like it was at one time. But she finds it hard that I don't telephone her myself like my SIL does ( but that's because my BIL doesn't speak to her on the phone, which isn't the case with us as my DH does call her). I do email her sometimes, though.

Anyway she's staying with us at the moment, for 3 nights, it used to be 5 nights which I thought was too long and finally put my foot down.

I don't talk to her all that much when she's here, and leave her and my DH to talk. Our DDs adore her, and she does spend a lot of time with them, which I do appreciate. But I tend to withdraw, as we've often clashed in the past, and I find her too full on, very tactile, which I find very hard to cope with, as boundaries are very important to me.

Add to this the fact that I'm at a very low point. As I've shared on other threads, I'm an SA survivor and have complex PTSD. I'm also depressed and on Sertraline. We're also coping with DD1's behavioural problems (she's 9 and she and our younger DD, who is 6, are both adopted). This morning she had the most horrendous meltdown, which came out of nowhere, she chucked her toy box down the stairs making an awful mess trashed her room, slammed doors and started to hit DD2 hard, though I managed to intervene.

My MIL chose this time to come to tearfully tell me how upset she was that I was avoiding her, wanted a hug, said she loved me. I told her that it wasn't anything she'd done, but I just didn't have the head space to talk about it right then. (I was still shaken up after DD1's meltdown, and as I said, I hate being pushed into giving hugs.)

She knows that I'm in a very bad place, because my DH has told her, plus there was also a lot of stress around with DD1's behaviour, so why did she have to choose today to bring this up?

there are two issues here your depression and her insistence on being too tactile .i hope you are getting good help for your problems my hubby has been seriously ill with mh problems and i know it is hard.she should be helping you to try and deal with your little daughters meltdown because she was obviously distressed not asking you for a hug .if you are the mother of sons like myself you have to accept you have no daughters .hopefully you have your own mother and have a good relationship with her she must accept this .

I am a tactile person i always hug my adult sons when i visit them i always make sure i give lots of hugs to my darling grandaughters .but my DIL does not like to be hugged and that i totally accept and we have a good relationship but i am not and never will be her mother .tell your hubby to tell his mother in no uncertain terms it is not your thing end of conversation

I think your dh needs to sit her down and be extremely clear that you a) don’t do touching b) need space when she’s staying with you. I don’t understand how she doesn’t understand this. She needs to be respectful of your need for distance. Could your dh entertain her more and take her out with the dc?

Thank you, aprilanne well no my relationship with my DM isn't good at all, that's because she failed to protect my DSis and me from our abusive F, though she insists she didn't know about it. (She neglected us, though, was too absorbed in her work, and was too remote for us to approach her.)

It could be that because I didn't have a close relationship with her, having a MIL who is full on is something I can't cope with.

In this instance, though, I think the issue is that she chose precisely the wrong moment to bring this up, just when we were coping with DD1. I just didn't have the headspace.

lizzie that is got to be hard on you as well to not have had the best of childhoods .but at this moment in time just concentrate on your own family and your own health and as my scottish granny used to say .your mil will just have to like it or lump it take care of yourself .

That's exactly what I'm doing, DH and I pushing as hard as we can to get DD1 the help she needs, it's really been a long haul. I'm worrying about this continuing to escalate, though, DD1 will be 10 next year, the age of criminal responsibility. I've also caught her opening my handbag and stealing money from my purse a few times, so I'm having to hide my handbag.

It was just all I needed to have my MIL making it all about her. She should be supporting us rather than making me feel guilty for being the person I am. At the end of the day, we're both adults and our relationship with each other is neither here nor there, I'd rather she put her efforts into spending time with her DGDs.