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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Letting DD have sleepovers with her girlfriend

50 replies

Gingerninj · 28/05/2018 10:53

This probably doesn't seem unreasonable but I've been thinking about the fact that i wouldn't if she had a boyfriend. So in that sense AIBU?

OP posts:
GruffaloPants · 28/05/2018 11:46

"Mutual rape"? HmmHmm Heard it all now.

If you feel the relationship may be becoming sexual OP, then sleepovers don't seem very wise.

SD1978 · 28/05/2018 11:48

As other posters have said- for me same rules if it’s same sex or opposite sex relationship. Door open and no sleep overs.

Flyingpompom · 28/05/2018 11:49

There is no age of consent for lesbian sex. I'd say she's a little young OP.

polsha · 28/05/2018 11:58

There is no age of consent for lesbian sex

Bollocks.

It's 16.

Flyingpompom · 28/05/2018 12:01

Polsha please link to that particular piece of legislation, if you knowo better than me.

ScrubTheDecks · 28/05/2018 12:08

Ginny, you have NO understanding of the law at all.

OP, given the age difference I don’t think I would, no.

13 year old girls have sleepovers with friends who are girls, but they are generally the same age.

If this is actually a girlfriend, I would say not overnight and maintain the door open convention.

You can’t police them all the time, while you are at work etc but whilst being friendly and welcoming to the gf it sets a framework and an expectation and possibly, if she needs it, a get out for your Dd. Talk to her about it, and about emotional maturity and separating emotional feelings from sexual feelings.

ScrubTheDecks · 28/05/2018 12:12

The age of consent is now 16 for everyone. But there is no intention to prosecute sex between 13-16 year olds amongst themselves where both parties consent.

tiddlyipom · 28/05/2018 12:13

www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/criminal-law/sexual-offences-0

OP, no way would I allow this.13 is way too young.

TimeToDash · 28/05/2018 12:14

I'm confused. Are you asking if she's too young for a girly sleepover with a girlfriend (of course not!) but obviously a boyfriend 13 is too young!

AlpacaLypse · 28/05/2018 12:18

We didn't allow dtd2's girlfriend to stay over in her room until they were turned 16. To be fair they didn't push the issue.

Loftyswops988 · 28/05/2018 12:27

at least you she's told you so you can make that decision! when i was 13 i had 'friends' to stay and my mum was none the wiser! In saying that, there was nothing more than kissing, 13 is very young and with two girls there is much less pressure than there is from hormonal boys (generally, not across the board i realise)
Can they do separate rooms? But still be able to hang out late together?

robotcartrainhat · 28/05/2018 12:32

'mutual rape' that doesnt exist. Two people having sex under 16 are not going to be prosecuted (unless its actual rape, sharing of images etc) They might be if one were over 16 but still if the other were over 13 and saying it was consensual then it would not get very far unless a large age gap.
So can people stop spouting that nonesense.

It is a little young for her to be having a sexual relationship with anyone... but to be fair you dont know that she is. At 13 I had a boyfriend and he came for sleepovers and there was a bit of kissing and that was about it.... I lost my virginity at 15 to a boy who I was in a long relationship with and had been with a year, he had always been allowed to sleep over from the get go.... I knew it was up to me when I decided to do anything sexual and I was totally happy with when I eventually did that... I didnt feel under pressure because I had a good relationship with my parents about it and I knew I could come to them if I wanted him gone out of the house. I knew I could discuss things with them and they would support me.
With two girls as well there is not the threat of pregnancy, its just the emotional side... but 13 year olds are starting to delve into that world anyway and they dont need to be in their own bedroom to do that. In my experience its girls who are forced to do this stuff outside of the home who find themselves under pressure to go at a faster rate than they are comfortable with.

Id actually allow this girlfriend to stay over. Id be happier they were safe in their own home and that she was encouraged to be open about what was going on and felt free to come to you and talk if she found things difficult. Make it clear that if she feels uncomfortable at any point with her girlfriend being there then you are happy to say that she is not allowed over night.

mikeyssister · 28/05/2018 12:33

Sleepovers are ok if they are on different floors or if everyone else is also in the room.

No relationships allowed in bedrooms at all, even with an open door.

Those are the rules in my house.

BordesleyGreen · 28/05/2018 12:34

Girlfriend as in they're dating? Or just friends? Confused

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 12:35

Hell, no. Treat this like you would treat a boyfriend.

BabiesDontNeedDaddies · 28/05/2018 12:37

If kids are going to do it, they are going to do it. I'd rather it be in the safety of my own home than god knows where.

Branleuse · 28/05/2018 12:39

I wouldnt treat the same as a boyfriend because the power dynamics are different and she is less at risk and zero risk of pregnancy. Id still talk to her about healthy boundaries and not having sex till she was older

LanaorAna2 · 28/05/2018 12:42

No.

OuchLegoHurts · 28/05/2018 12:50

Nooooo! Emotionally way too young for that kind of adult relationship with anyone! I'm sorry, but I can't believe you even have to ask. Children often crave the adult in their life to be less permissive, even thought they appear to want to be treated like adults themselves. Be her mother, not her friend.

polsha · 28/05/2018 13:06

Polsha please link to that particular piece of legislation, if you knowo better than me.

That particular piece of legislation.....

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/SexualOffencess(Amendment)Actt2000

Which has been in place for almost 18 years.

HTH

Quartz2208 · 28/05/2018 13:07

The Sexual Offences (Amendment) Act 2000 basically made it all the same and I think for this purpose you need to treat it the same as well - it makes no difference that she has a girlfriend rather than a boyfriend.

I think you are in danger of postive discrimation a little bit it is the same as a boyfriend

polsha · 28/05/2018 13:08

Jut wanted to add I am utterly astounded at the people who would facilitate this.

Fucking nonsense. 13 year olds are children.

Urbanbeetler · 28/05/2018 13:12

How old is her girlfriend OP?

LOL7 · 28/05/2018 13:21

13? Would they even be sexual at that age? I would treat it as just another friend to be honest as in my mind they are children not teenagers, but it looks like I am completely wrong Confused

Original poster
Gingerninj · 28/05/2018 13:26

@Urbanbeetler she's 14

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