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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PiLs have no time for our children

48 replies

PollyProsecco · 28/05/2018 09:16

This is my first ever mumsnet post so please be gentle with me! I just wanted to get some advice really as I can’t really talk to my Dh about this.

Basically my Sil (Dh’s sis) has had 3 children by three different fathers. Her parents (my PiLs) raised the first two who are now grown up but Sil has recently had her third child. Since the arrival of this child, my Pils have completely dropped my two children because Sil is finding she now cannot look after her third child either and so her parents do most of the child caring. They have no contact for months on end with my children and barely see them more than 4 times a year. Meanwhile my Mil posts pictures of her other grandchild regularly on Facebook. I do understand that parents are often closer to their daughter’s children than their son’s but I do feel that my children get a raw deal here. My DH is partly sympathetic with me but does not want to cause friction with his parents and just wants an easy life!

I have mentioned this all to my Pils in an email (fair and honest but not overtly nasty) - they didn’t take it well and now most of DH’s family are no longer speaking to me. I just want them to acknowledge that they cannot simply drop their son’s children just because their daughter is a needy and incapable mother. AIBU? Or should I just accept this and try and move on...?

OP posts:

llangennith · 28/05/2018 13:47

Grandparents have less energy as they get older and perhaps they just need a break when they’re already dealing with their DD and her children. I can understand your upset (jealousy?) but your children are lucky that they have two loving and supportive parents.
Try to move on from it OP. You have let it get to you so much that I’m sure your DC are aware of it and you’re jeopardising any future relationship they have with their grandparents.

stillhungryafterall · 28/05/2018 13:50

Some people are only interested in looking after children if they can do everything. They don’t want to be given spots of time or go by someone else’s rules.

LaurieMarlow · 28/05/2018 14:00

An email is usually a terrible way to deal with an issue like this, you needed to raise it face to face.

Aside from that though, I agree you should just move on. You can't force them to have a relationship with your kids. They may simply feel that SIL's children need them more and their energy reserves are limited.

It's not ideal, but that's just life.

MatildaTheCat · 28/05/2018 14:11

Invite them over for a meal or visit and apologise for offending them. Explain you and the dc miss them and ask how you might be able to go forwards?

I imagine that if you include the latest gc in your invitation and make a fuss of them it would be welcome. Your email was misjudged and unless you apologise sincerely they will remain distant.

Hint, saying you were hurt was a huge mistake. Much more friendly to say we are all missing you, we understand how busy you’ve been so how can we help and get us all together again?

Nanny0gg · 28/05/2018 14:20

I have mentioned this all to my Pils in an email (fair and honest but not overtly nasty) - they didn’t take it well and now most of DH’s family are no longer speaking to me.

Your idea of 'fair and honest'. How on earth did you expect them to respond?

If you'd sent it to me you'd have had a similar (if not worse) reaction.

What did your DH say about it?

BlueSapp · 28/05/2018 14:21

I have a similar situation, I didn't complain to PiL but to be fair I'm happier that we don't have to pander to them wanting to see my DC, life is hectic enough without the added pressure so it suits us fine, and like someone else said the GPs are the ones missing out on building a relationship with the DC's but then I get to enjoy them all the more.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/05/2018 14:24

Grandparents are predominantly closer to their daughters off spring.

expatinscotland · 28/05/2018 14:28

I can't believe you emailed them! Gah, just leave it.

' I just want them to acknowledge that they cannot simply drop their son’s children just because their daughter is a needy and incapable mother.'

Why? You can't make them do anything. You're very judgy of your SIL and of your PILs.

I wouldn't want much to do with you, either, if you sent me a message like that.

MsGameandWatching · 28/05/2018 14:35

This doesn't really sound like the usual can't be bothered-ness to be honest. Their daughter keeps having children that they have to raise, so they've been parenting children for decades. Maybe they just do not have any reserves left to give? Very sad but I imagine they're completely worn out.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 28/05/2018 14:45

Cannot believe you sent that mail!

schmoozypoo · 28/05/2018 14:56

My PIL give my BIL daughter all their time and attention and my boys get none and this is totally down to the fact that my children are well brought up and BIL and SiL are horrible parents my MIL has admitted as such but it still isn't fair that my children miss out just because we treat them right. I totally sympathise and wish I had the guts to have it out with them but I don't.

Guilin · 29/05/2018 09:16

Both of us moved to the South, looking for work. We live in a commuter town, along with many Northerners and Scots - because it close to motorways. It's a 3.5 hour drive to my parents and 3 hours to PILs. By the time we had three children, we did not want to do that drive North in rush hour on a Friday night. On average, our DC only saw their grandparents 4 times a year - we always visited family at Christmas, and Easter, and a few weekends. Both our fathers died, and our mothers don't drive - nor can they switch a PC or smart phone on, never mind use FB or Skype. Yes, it was hard not having family nearby; but the DC who are all grown up now, love their grandparents.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 29/05/2018 09:46

I feel sorry for your PIL's. They have already had to take responsibility for two of their grandchildren, raising them to adulthood, and just when they think their parenting days are over and they can finally relax their Daughter has another baby that she is incapable of parenting. Now they are having to start the whole child-rearing process over again, whether or not they feel up to it, and on top of it all their DIL is angry with them for not having the time to devote to her children. It must be beyond exhausting.

I can completely understand you being disappointed that they aren't more available to your DC but what exactly do you want them to do? They didn't choose to be in this position. You say you want them to be "tougher" on their Daughter but what does that actually mean in practice? Ignoring her neglect of her kids and not intervening? Allowing their grandchildren to end up in care? It's not up to you to dictate how they should handle the situation with their Daughter. However feckless and irresponsible she is, she is still their Daughter.

Nightfall1 · 29/05/2018 09:59

This post is all about you. Whatever way you dress it up really.

Narnia72 · 29/05/2018 11:04

I totally sympathise. My ILs were really close to my kids, looked after them one day a week at their request, sometimes had them overnight. Then FIL died and SMIL pulled away from my kids, without explanation. She still made a huge fuss of BIL's kids (DH's brother, so same family relation) and just dropped us. We used to send texts asking to see her, or inviting her round, we always got a charming reply about how she'd love to but... Then no offer of an alternative date. It got to the stage that my then 4 year old said "have I done something wrong and is that when X doesn't love me any more" and we realised that, whatever her reasons or motivations, we couldn't force her to still be involved in the kids' lives and we just had to let it go.

Really sad, my eldest still comments sometimes on wanting to see her (now 10, we haven't seen her for 6 years and she lives in the next village to us), but there's a point at which you have to let go and leave them to it.

If I'm honest it still hurts me when I think about it. I come from a family where our parents try and treat all of us kids and grandkids the same. They bend over backwards to be scupulously fair. I just don't understand why she behaved the way she did.

Ohmydayslove · 29/05/2018 11:15

I think they may be just knackered op. I am 50 and help out with grandchildren but if I had them full time I would go crackers. Far far harder as you get older.

I get you are upset but an offer to help them would be better than you adding to their stress by critisising them.

If your sil is in s stable relationship why can’t dye assine responsibility now?

Ohmydayslove · 29/05/2018 11:19

Narnia

That’s so sad and strange behaviour. I couldn’t imagine favouring one child above another. So nasty

theWarOnPeace · 29/05/2018 11:29

I totally get why you’re upset about your kids relationship with their Gps, I have a similar frustration with my own and DH’s parents but without the additional circumstances. I can see why you’re upset about it. The only thing is though, is that this is a genuinely complex situation and they must be at their wits end having to take on a baby at this stage in their lives. Your children are really fortunate to have loving parents, who care enough to be upset about this, their gps love them and care about them I’m sure - but just be mindful of the nightmare they’ve been through with their daughter and how hard this must be for them. Perhaps the email went down like a lead balloon because it really hurt them, they must know that they’ve seen your kids much less since they’ve taken on the new baby, and I’m as sure as I can be (without knowing them)that they didn’t set out for it to be this way. I can’t imagine taking on a baby even now, let alone when I’m much older, and the disappointment in their daughter will be added to the stress of what’s happened! I can see how you got upset enough to confront them, but I think it would be a real kindness during such a difficult time, to email them again and apologise for upsetting them, and also depending on the ages of your kids try to explain how hard gps are having it at the moment and that they still love them. I think you need to be the bigger person, otherwise once they find their feet with this new baby and are ready to spend more time with your kids the relationship may be too frayed to be repaired. FWIW I was really close to my GM when I was a kid but she lived and miles away and I used to write her letters and draw her pictures and send them by post. I loved the whole thing of going to the post office etc and would be excited to get new writing sets to impress her with. We did have a phone but it’s just something I did and enjoyed. I saw her maybe twice a year. Really thinking about what they’ve taken on, I feel really bad for your PIL... I believe I’d take on a grandchild if I had to, but I would be deeply sad and disappointed in my DC for putting me in that position x3 times. Pity the child in the middle of all this, don’t envy them.

Lizzie48 · 29/05/2018 11:43

I get why you feel hurt, and it is hard on your DC, but your PIL clearly have their hands full looking after SIL's third child, it's your SIL who has caused this so you shouldn't put the blame on your PILs.

You definitely shouldn't have written that email, OP, the only thing to do now is apologise and try and salvage things.

Chattymummyhere · 29/05/2018 11:44

My children are slowly learning this since sil’s child arrived. They can’t ever go around anymore without said child being there, constant sleep overs, one day a week all day childcare. My oldest now says they hate the child and doesn’t like going round to pils anymore because the child is always there. If we see sil’s car on the drive when we turn up we get a sigh and comment about how the child is there again.

I won’t say anything to them though, it’s mils choice/her life she will just have to learn my oldest won’t want to come and visit her or pop around for dinner invited and that I won’t force them to come around if they don’t want too. The oldest will be at secondary school soon and will have no need to ever even go near pils house apart from for actual family gatherings.

gamerwidow · 29/05/2018 12:24

Email was entirely the wrong way to have this conversation. Has anyone ever responded well to getting an email which basically says ‘here is a list of all the things you’re doing wrong’.
What have you done to facilitate the relationship between your DC and your PIL? Have you offered to visit or suggested days out to them. It’s not all one sided you know.
You don’t sound like you care much about them and the strain this must be having on them. You seem to only interested in how it affects you and your DC.

MrsElijahMikaelson · 29/05/2018 12:48

I feel for you OP, i really do.

It is unfair but like others said, you cant control their poor behaviour. You've called them out on it and still nothings changed.

My DS does not get the same attention as DNephew as we are good parents where as my DB and his gf are useless and lazy. Sad but thats how it is.

malificent7 · 29/05/2018 13:34

It's the parents I would be fuming with...not the in laws...why on earth did they have more only to give them away?!

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