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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner and continuing the relationship

25 replies

Spinning9Plates · 27/05/2018 23:35

Hello,

Hope you’re all having a wonderful bank holiday, if not don’t worry it’s almost over (unless it’s half term for you)!!

So AIBU...

Background: I’ve been with my partner for almost two years. In that time we’ve had ups and downs as both have been through life dragged backwards as it were (who hasn’t). I find it difficult to open up and that’s caused problems and I have difficulty in trusting people, men in particular (father issues and been cheated on and made to feel inferior etc - I’m sure it’s very relatable). So our relationship became very strained.

Last week, he was on his second week away from me with work. I thought things were ok though I was annoyed I wasn’t getting messages except from hello morning at 6am and maybe a 2 minute call or a goodnight text at 11pm. He works long hours and then had drinks out with work colleagues. I don’t mind no messages in the day because he is really busy but in the evening I was a little upset I had no contact really for a few days and I feel very lonely as it is.

Anyway he came home all fine. He was out and I wanted to check something on his iPad, his messages were open and I wasn’t snooping I really wasn’t but I saw a load of texts to random numbers and the subject lines all said something like “Anal outcall?”.
He was looking for prostitutes almost every night he was away. He had also downloaded tinder too.

I confronted him, I felt sick (and was). He said it wasn’t him at first. Then that it was but he didn’t do anything. It was just a fantasy and he was drunk and had also taken cocaine on a few nights.

AIBU for wanting more messages/attention/love? Feeling sick and betrayed and unsure about our relationship?

Any general advice?

I just feel so heartbroken and upset but I still love him. I just want to be wanted and feel desired (sexually but also platonically - I want to be talked to about things).

Sorry that this is worded very poorly. I am just very upset and tired lol.

TIA xx

OP posts:

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 27/05/2018 23:38

That sounds grim tbh.
He's deceitful and if he had used women in prostitution he would have been taking advantage of them and putting you at risk.
What's motivating you to try to change your mindset so you're happy to stay with him?

WitchSharkadder · 27/05/2018 23:43

I don’t say this lightly, but LTB.

You are worth far more than a man who uses prostitutes. I doubt it was just a fantasy and he stopped at messaging them, that’s such a line.

Get yourself an STI check up then get the hell out of there. You deserve so much better than this prick.

AllMYSmellySocks · 27/05/2018 23:44

That sounds awful for you. Honestly it sounds like maybe you have trouble picking men that are good enough for you. Of course it's reasonable to expect some contact with your partner when he's away. More importantly it's reasonable to expect him not to be out looking for sex workers the second they he has the chance! You really need to get rid of this guy. You deserve better.

Do you have a habit of choosing or settling for men who treat you badly?

Singlenotsingle · 27/05/2018 23:44

I suppose you really need to consider getting out of this relationship NOW, rather than wasting any more time, effort, hard work, faith and devotion on someone who doesn't deserve it. He's never going to change. You've got a lot of heartbreak ahead if you stick with him.

Thehop · 27/05/2018 23:46

He’s a punter and doesn’t deserve you. He doesn’t bring you anything positive xxx

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2018 23:46

taken cocaine on a few nights

Take it from someone who knows, LTB.

gobbynorthernbird · 27/05/2018 23:49

I'm gobsmacked that you seem to see the lack of messages as being more important than his cheating on you with prostitutes.
Get rid.

Original poster

Spinning9Plates · 27/05/2018 23:55

I guess I’ve just tried to convince myself that I believe him and that I can forgive it because I know I’ve been a bloody nightmare sometimes. But I’m working through my issues with a therapist etc.

I don’t know if it’s a habit or rubbish luck or if I am a shit person? Things always seem to start of really well and they tell me they love me and want a future, to grow old together and all of those kinds of things.
Before it’s been easier I guess because I knew something wasn’t quite right, I had a gut feeling and they didn’t say they still loved me. But he says that he does and he wants to work through it and be the best we’ve ever been etc. I guess I’m holding onto that :(

I just don’t know what I’ll do without him. God I know how crap that sounds, he isn’t the be all and end all but I’ve put so much effort into sorting myself out for us, and into our relationship I don’t want to throw it away. Where will I live (he is the main earner), who will I talk to (all of our friends are his. I’m a bit of a loner and always have been) etc.

I just very very lost and heartbroken and really don’t know what to do :(

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 27/05/2018 23:56

Leave. Now. He’s utterly vile and untrustworthy.

Original poster

Spinning9Plates · 27/05/2018 23:57

I don’t see the lack of messages as being more important than the prostitute seeking/whatever he was doing with them, just to be clear. Apologies for not making that clear!!

OP posts:

Lovingliferightnow · 28/05/2018 00:02

Leave him OP, I'm sorry to be blunt but looking for prostitutes, taking cocaine. Is this the man you thought you new? Probably not.
Just because on partner in a relationship has a few issues doesn't mean they other partner can behave like this!!
Good luck, you deserve better, be proud of yourself

BoyWithApple · 28/05/2018 00:06

I don’t care how much of a nightmare you think you are - I cast iron guarantee that you are at least 100 times better than him. Life is too short to settle for a man who takes cocaine and solicits prostitutes and lies to you about it - he has told you who he is, listen. I’m so sorry, I know it’s shit, but you’re worth so much better than this

MiddleClassProblem · 28/05/2018 00:06

I think even if you didn’t have your personal history the trust would be hard to get back from this but with the added issues you are dealing with you need to put yourself first.

You need to end this as it will be harder to work on yourself and your trust issues if you’re in a relationship with someone you have a reason not to trust.

Clean slate time and focus on therapy x

insomuchpain · 28/05/2018 00:10

Honestly their are good men out there! He is clearly not. Get rid and find someone else OP. You may not find some one straight away but you will and you can find someone who is perfect for you. Not all men are dicks but unfortunately yours is. It won't stop. Gosh woman are worth so much more than these Bastards and don't realise how much better you can do! Get rid Op

Sparklesocks · 28/05/2018 00:12

So sorry OP. As others have said I think you need to get out, even if you manage to forgive him - the trust is gone and you’ll always been looking over your shoulder and on edge when his phone buzzes. You deserve more.

insomuchpain · 28/05/2018 00:13

Also you won't be throwing it away he was the one who threw it away when he started searching for prostitution's on the internet. If he would of done it you could of caught anything and he probably wouldn't of even cared! oh my god OP I'm infuriated on your behalf. Just leave the dickhead

Original poster

Spinning9Plates · 28/05/2018 00:22

Thanks everyone. I’m just really scared about being completely on my own in the world and not having enough money to support myself where I currently live (London) :(

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 28/05/2018 00:58

What did you do before him? Did you have your own friends or anyone then?

What work do you do or have you done in the past?

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 28/05/2018 05:21

If it was just a fantasy he'd have been chatting to the sex workers, asking questions, dirty talk. Not 'anal outcall?'. That suggests that he just wants to get a meeting organised asap. I very much doubt he didn't meet someone, and even if he didn't I doubt it was from lack of trying.

You now know who he is, only you can decide if you're willing to be with someone who cheats with sex workers or not. Whatever choice you make, you're the one who'll live with it. Personally I couldn't stay once the trust had gone and I'd been disrespected like that but some women do.

Birdsgottafly · 28/05/2018 05:30

You've only been together two years, you've had issues and now he's on dating websites, using prostitutes (probably if he couldn't get it free) and using cocaine.

What else does he have to do for you to end it?

In my experience once they go on Hook-up sites, they always continue to cheat. that is aside from the cocaine.

TheDowagerCuntess · 28/05/2018 05:39

Your relationship is over, whether you break up with him or not.

If you don't break up with him, your self-esteem gets pummelled into the ground, he realises he can do whatever he wants because you forgive him - so his behaviour gets worse. And then you break up anyway - possibly even him dumping you, at that point.

Please find the strength to take the bull by the horns - and dump him. Take some control over the situation back. You will feel better for it.

Yes, it will be scary for a while being on your own - but you managed it before you got together with him, and you can nagar again.

And being single, answerable only to you, has to be better than accepting crumbs from a prostitute and cocaine user.

You can absolutely do better. And you can't come back from discovering your partner's used prostitutes while with you. You just can't.

FlyingElbows · 28/05/2018 05:53

What will you do without him? Well you'll keep your self-respect because if you stay with him it's gone. You can't live your life like that. Leave now before he knocks you up because then you really will be trapped. Leave, be on your own and work with your therapist on making you stronger so that any partner you have is a complimentary addition your life and not a cross on which you nail yourself. You... any woman... deserves better than what you've described.

userabcname · 28/05/2018 06:11

Oh gosh, leave! Don't put up with this! It's totally unacceptable! It may be hard now but it will be a heck of a lot harder in 10 years time when you find out he's been paying for prostitutes again (probably for the millionth time....!) or having a full blown affair. I also personally wouldn't put up with cocaine use either.
Please don't blame yourself for how poorly he has behaved. You sound as though you have quite low self-esteem? Staying with this guy will only make that worse. Walk away and find better. Do not lower your standards for him - you are so much better.

Shoxfordian · 28/05/2018 07:36

Do you have family you can stay with? His behaviour is disgusting and you'd be incredibly naive to believe he didn't actually hire any prostitutes when he was away. Ltb obvs.

Loopytiles · 28/05/2018 07:38

Run for the hills. And don’t be financially dependent on a man so early in a relationship.

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