To not bother with my family anymore

[drrrr]

I moved away about a year ago, but only 50 miles or so (hour and a half drive).

I have always had a difficult relationship with my dad, who has always been semi-emotionally abusive. I have two sisters, and have grown apart from them as we entered adulthood. One moved abroad, the other met her bf a couple of years ago and since then will go nowhere without him. We used to be close but now she does nothing unless he's there. My mum has mental health issues and finds social situations difficult but I wouldn't have thought this would extend to her own daughter.

since I moved out, none of them have come to see me. I have been to see them every three months or so, but each time no effort was made at all. The house is always a mess, there's no lunch or anything and My old bedroom has been turned into a dumping ground. my sister didn't even bother to come and say hello.

I used to ring Home to chat, but grew tired of it as it was always me ringing them. My mum and dad have free calls so they could call me but don't.

I occasionally get messages from my dad asking if I'm coming down for x's birthday, but I feel why should I? It's me who has to drive, pay for petrol, make all the effort etc, and none of them ever bother.

I've been engaged for six months and none of them have asked me about the wedding plans. They know I was looking for a house at the beginning of year but they've never asked how that's going. I feel they're almost strangers to me know and almost can't be bothered with them anymore.

I'm thinking it's just not worth the effort.

how is it all going? It sucks as an adult to realise family don't care about your life. You can disengage

IT sounds to me like it's not worth the effort either

Sorry this phone is playing up.protect yourself a bit. Trust friends and your partner with what is important. Restrict these family members to cards and perhaps an annual visit . Or even cease contact until they notice . Personally I get some guilt. Bytvinalso find they don't notice bite them nothing if I send Burt day cards and generic vouchers.

Sod this phone. Sorry OP . It is so importantto show someone you care by finding out what is going on in their life. It is painful when your parents don't offer that connection.

I’m sorry this has happened to you. I think this is more common than you think as many people put a front on it.

I am in a similar situation, I moved away 5 years ago and I am now very tied down with 2 young kids. I find if I want to see anyone I have to make all the effort. I send birthday cards to nieces and nephews and rarely get even a thank you. I invite family to christenings etc and one brother never even bothers responding. It seems such a chore to them and when I go home they are all so low energy I kind of can’t be bothered.

Just send cards on birthdays, Christmas etc. Leave it at that level ~ just get on with your new life.

Have you asked them to visit/invited and they have refused? I am trying to be helpful as sometimes people take offence in both directions, it's just a thought xx

Just do what feels right to you, as long as it won't cause you to feel resentment. We don't really 'owe' our family anything more than they've 'given' us. If you don't want to see them or make a huge effort because they don't appear to appreciate it or make the effort in return, then stop doing it. They'll either fade into the background or they'll realize it and pick up their game. Either result is fine.

As an afterthought; maybe they've just gotten used to you being the one to do all the driving and think you don't mind. Do they have any other friends or relatives who live out of town? Do they make the effort for them?

It does sound as though your Mums MH is declining.

I'd keep a level of contact going, just to keep an eye on things, but that is me, personally.

Your Sisters, I wouldn't bother.