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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil and favouritism

25 replies

Namechangemum100 · 27/05/2018 22:31

Dh and I have 2 children, a 15 month old DD, and 6 week old ds. I have some deep concerns about displays of favouritism from my mil which are making me very uncomfortable and I don't know if iabu.

Full disclosure...my mother subjected my sister and I to favouritism which wasn't in my favor, so this is a particularly sensitive area for me.

Since DD was born, mil has been near enough obsessed with her, constantly wanting to FaceTime her multiple times a week from the day she was born, wanting pictures of her all the time (not pictures already put on social media for family, exclusive ones just for her), she texts constantly asking about her etc.

Since ds was born he has not been privy to the same treatment. She hasn't bought a single thing for him unlike many gifts for DD (please don't read into this that it's a money thing, it's more the gesture and fairness), the first time she visited to meet ds she arrived with gifts for DD but nothing for ds. She barely asked about him and didn't even give him a kiss or acknowledge him when she left. She was obsessed with DD having a bank account so she could deposit some money into it, no such concerns for Ds. She still facetimes DD via dh at least once a week, never asks about ds, never asks to see him even though he is obviously there with us.

I am really unhappy about the situation, I feel sad for Ds, and also feel it's not fair on DD either.

What do I do (if anything) about this? I try to brush it off that he is just a baby, but she was totally different when DD was his age, and DD is infact only a baby herself, so there shouldn't be any different treatment of them.

Am I over reacting?

OP posts:

Bunbunbunny · 27/05/2018 22:34

What is your DH doing to stop this?

Original poster

Namechangemum100 · 27/05/2018 22:35

@bunbun we both aren't sure if it's an overreaction and trying to be diplomatic

OP posts:

AllMYSmellySocks · 27/05/2018 22:36

That sounds ridiculous. I agree with PP that DH should be addressing this with his DM!

AllMYSmellySocks · 27/05/2018 22:37

I don't understand how she can possibly suggest giving money into one child's savings account and not an equal amount into another.

GoldenHoops · 27/05/2018 22:38

Does she have a daughter?

Lacucuracha · 27/05/2018 22:39

He's still very little and not very interactive. As he gets older and more aware, tell MIL that she must treat them equally e.g. both get gifts or neither gets a gift, both get FaceTime etc etc.

I wouldn't make an issue of it at this time. They may develop a bond in their own time.

Original poster

Namechangemum100 · 27/05/2018 22:40

@allmysmellysock...in fairness I expect she will eventually deposit some.money (although I think she may conveniently forget the total she has deposited over the last year which isn't alot but still should be equal), however we aren't getting harrased daily about it, she's barely mentioned it which is usually her m.o. when she wants to conveniently forget about something.

OP posts:

NewYearNewMe18 · 27/05/2018 22:41

How can you face time a 6wo?

The advice used to be to make a biiiig fuss of any toddlers when a new baby arrived so they don't feel pushed out. I wouldn't be making waves about bank accounts just yet - give her half a chance to get to the bank. If that's not square in eg 6 months, then your DH might comment.

This is DH-deal-with-Mil problem - do not get involved, let him deal with his mother.

Original poster

Namechangemum100 · 27/05/2018 22:41

@goldenhoops..no dh is her only

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechangemum100 · 27/05/2018 22:42

@lacu...I would usually agree with this but she was all over DD like a rash...her being a baby was not an issue, but ds being a baby is

OP posts:

PositiveVibez · 27/05/2018 22:43

Does she have a daughter?

First thing I thought when I read the title AND the OP

anothergreentomato · 27/05/2018 22:43

Might it be second child phenomenon? My MIL was similar with my first DD, but barely expresses an interest in the second and to be fair most of our family and friends are similar. We're hoping it will even out when she gets older...

Singlenotsingle · 27/05/2018 22:43

Certainly one of you should be having a word with mil. It's difficult. Sometimes you can't help feeling more strongly about one particular DC, in the same way that you can't help liking random people better than others.But she needs to be aware and to make every effort not to let it show. Treat them the same, even if she doesn't actually feel the same about them.

Original poster

Namechangemum100 · 27/05/2018 22:44

@newyear... would also usually totally agree with this, however have facilitated FaceTime at mil request since DD was days old, she wanted it for one and not the other.

(I also do not see the point in it, but mil wants it so we have done it)

OP posts:

GoldenHoops · 27/05/2018 22:44

I think that's your answer then, your Dd is the daughter she never had.

Original poster

Namechangemum100 · 27/05/2018 22:47

@goldenhoops...I really hope that isn't it and hadn't considered it until now, poor little ds

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 27/05/2018 22:49

If dd was the first grandchild I don't think it is that unusual. Surprised there was no gift for ds birth though. I would monitor it , offer ds to cuddle as much as possible and 8m sure they will develop a good relationship too.

Original poster

Namechangemum100 · 27/05/2018 23:13

@red yes she was the first grandchild, and I do understand that second children are often overlooked a little, but when it's your own grandchild, and your only grandson as dh is an only, it has come as a bit of a shock to me.

What I also find particularly strange is that mil was obsessed with saying DD looked like dh, would send me pictures of him as a baby to show the resemblance...DD looks nothing like dh, even as a baby, and she is very much me. Ds on the other hand is the SPITTING IMAGE of dh, to the point that people find it hard to tell who is who when shown baby pictures...mil hasn't even mentioned it..it's utterly bizarre.

OP posts:

Takemetovegas · 28/05/2018 05:23

Does she think that you should have only one DC like her?

Justanothernameonthepage · 28/05/2018 05:38

I'd cheerfully start calling her out on it. When she visits, send DD out with DH and smiling'oh we noticed that you haven't really bonded with DS so thought you'd like a chance. Doesn't he look like DH?' when she has gifts 'ooh DS, DD, let's see what Nanny has. Aren't you both so Lucky' facetime. We thought we'd make sure you got face time with both (take the other one out the room so no screenbombing) . Then if she carries on or only buys obvious sop gifts call her out. 'we don't know if you've noticed, but you're not treating your GC the same. It's not healthy for either of them to have family who play favourites, so unless you really start to treat them equally and make it clear that you don't have favourites, we're going to rethink the amount on contact' if she pushes back 'We don't want our DD to grow up thinking you hate her brother and to wonder why someone she loves acts like that to her brother. Our job is to give both our DC a happy environment'.
Do it now before it becomes any more obvious/normal.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 28/05/2018 05:59

Her motivation doesn't matter. The behaviour does.

Sit her down now, together, and say 'We've noticed that you seem very much less interested in ds than you were in dd when she was born. We'd like you to know now that we won't support favouritism and will be rethinking the amount of contact [good phrase PP] you have with dd if it becomes evident to us that you are treating dd and ds differently. That means with gifts, attention, time spent with you, and this will be especially important when ds is old enough to notice any difference.' And then you need to be ready to follow through.

AStatelyPleasureDome · 28/05/2018 06:08

I would just have a gentle word at this stage, no threats or blackmail. DD probably is the daughter she always wanted and there is nothing you can do about that, but she needs to be aware and to be more tactful and sensitive, or your DS will notice when he is older.

PastaOfMuppets · 28/05/2018 06:13

You need to say something to her about this.

emmyrose2000 · 28/05/2018 06:23

Her motivation doesn't matter. The behaviour does

Exactly this. It will be damaging to both children if she keeps this up.

I'd call her out on her blatant favouritism each and every time, and leave/end face time/whatever if/when she does it, and make sure she knows why.

Original poster

Namechangemum100 · 28/05/2018 20:13

Thank you everyone for your feedback, I was sure starting a mil would end in a flaming for being unreasonable...but I am relieved that my concerns aren't unfounded.

It's just so disappointing, and I find it so frustrating to have to point out the obvious to a fully grown woman who should really know better.

OP posts:

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