To ask how to be calmly assertive?

[CosmoXavier]

I thought AIBU would be a good place to ask as lots of you are very assertive!

I have a difficult meeting to go at school to this week regarding dd who has been struggling with anxiety. Initially the school were supportive but at a meeting last month the tone had changed and I was quite upset at their lack of support.

This time I want to be more assertive and not get upset. Dd is attending counselling and is making a huge effort which I don't think the school are recognising. I tend to be a bit anxious myself (obviously, as I have been worrying about this meeting all weekend!) but I would love to feel confident and in control of the situation.

What to you do to feel confident and assertive in difficult situations?

Think about the outcome you want from a situation and phrase everything in light of that principle.

E.g. 'I'm sure we can agree what we all want is for DC to be happy, healthy and able to learn in school. How are we all make sure we are on the the same page?'

Great advice, thanks MaisyPops

Decide key facts and your agenda. Facts dont need to be agreed or negotiated. This can help you state them without your voice sounding stressed or you getting upset. Then push your points.
Fact 1- it’s obvious that dd is working very hard at this. (and have reasons - attendance, plus a couple of others. You don’t provide these immediately because obvious facts don’t need that kind of defence but if someone challenges it you roll them out dismissively, in a polite ‘an idiot could see this I’m not quite sure why you are asking way’ and add of course if you were unsure of any of this a quick call or email would have cleared it up pretty quickly.
Your point / agenda :
It’s not clear to me that you as a school are recognising this. I know it’s a bit harder when it’s not as clear cut as ensuring a student in a wheelchair can access classes, but perhaps you could explain what exactly are you doing to support the huge effort dd is putting in?

And agree with a Pp on your goal outcomes.

It may also be worth possibly floating sone ideas about what steps ypu might like school to take past a few of us on the education boards so we can say if what you're hoping for is realistic or not.

E.g. Your child having mentoring sessions in school weekly and/or a time out card they can use (but not abuse) would be reasonable. So might a quiet space at lunch or break if they need to calm down. The option of attending a homework club if poor organsiation is part of the anxiety could be useful too as it means school work is donr at school and doesn't go home.

Be aware, some schools may come across detached as such as they've spent lots of time dealing with genuinely anxious children and an increasing number of 'anxious' children. Some parents I've worked with have had 'anxious' students where they were wanting their child to not attend set lessons because they were 'too anxious' to attend but then when the DC saw the class watching a video or doing an experiment, suddenly they were no longer anxious. Teachers followed the agreed plan and then home were complaining their child was denied the chance to learn. Other times staff sent textbook work to the learning base and it wasn't done and home excused that because 'just the thought of that is stressful and you can'r expect DC to do that'. Or they were too anxious to be in a room with lots of students, but would routinely walk up to class, interrupt the lesson and make a big scene about how they need work because they are in the support base. They were too anxious to be in a room of 30 students, but then home insisted that their child wasn't on a phased break/lunch plan because they can manage lunch and break (over 1000 students isn't a problem then), but they can't come to school on time because there's too many students coming through the gates.
Nobody in education doubts that some things will trigger anxiety and not others. But there has been a significant increase (at least in my experience) of a new type of pick and mix mental health needs, which seem to (for some) chop and change depending on what gets the desired outcome and they actually contradict their own agreed support plans depending on whether following it suits what their DC wants.

If you go in calm, collected, be aware what reasonable adjustments might be, focus on the solution and how you and school can work together then it'll be abundantly clear to school that you're more than reasonable.

It's hard to say without knowing what the issues are.

In general, writing everything down is always good in a meeting where you feel on the back foot. It gives you breathing time and thinking time, and it makes the people you're talking to think before they speak.

It might be good to have a phrase or two ready if they say something you don't expect. For example -

I was considering taking my youngest out of nursery as they were upset by the constant preparations for the christmas production. I went in for a meeting with the lovely nursery teacher. Unexpectedly, the Headmistress rocked up and said 'she's got you twisted round her little finger!'. Tbh I was a bit blindsided by that and didn't reply.

It wasn't true, but I find when someone says something odd like that, it's so unexpected and frankly weird, it makes me stop and question myself and the situation, before I can think, no, you're wrong etc.

So, even if your go-to phrase is something like, 'As I said, dd is making a huge effort. I am here to find out how the school can support her', it's not particularly brilliant, but gets your point over again and turns the focus back on them.

Thank you all, that's really helpful.

We are not in the UK so the system is a little different, but the school have been great - dd also has severe dyslexia and dyspraxia - and she has a lot of support in place. The year head has threatened to take away that support if her attendance doesn't improve. She is in school almost every day, but not always a registration each morning as she has panic attacks. I gave up my job and now work from home so I can facilitate getting her in to school at any time during the day.

She is working really hard at counselling even though attending sessions often causes her to have panic attacks. She is doing her best, and so am I and I feel the school pressurising and threatening withdrawal of support is very unfair.

I will definitely go in with a written list and aims, I didn't do that the last time and was kicking myself as I forgot a lot of what I wanted to say.

They also want dd to attend the meeting which I know will send her stress levels through the roof, and I will have to deal with the consequences.

Teaandtoast that's a great idea, I was so blindsided by something similar that a teacher said in the last meeting that I burst into tears

One of the teachers said 'oh well sometimes I don't feel like going to work, but I just have to get on with it' I was livid, having a bad day is not the same had having anxiety. Anxiety is not being able to breathe during a panic attack, your body shaking involuntarily, vomiting, sweating. That's what happens to dd in the morning before school some days.

You have to detach yourself emotionally (not easy)

Also remember this meeting isn't about you - it's about DD

So stock phrases - DD thinks DD feels DD said DD would like ....

As you're not in the UK, scrap what I said about some of the challenges in the UK system.

As PPs have said, stock phrases are quite useful.
E.g. 'Obviously, we are meeting to discuss how school and home can work together to support DD to achieve'

'I'm sure you agree that it's essential to ensure DD can reach her potential here so we need to identify ways forward'.

And be particularly firm on the attendance and SEND suppoet being linked by school. It is outrageous they are saying they'll withdraw it unless she attends more (unless for example it's a short programmes- I've been reluctant to put students with poor attendance on short term support programmes when we have more students than spaces. Priority goes where it will have the biggest impact). Assuming it's day to day class support then you'll need something like, 'Can i just clarify something there. Can you confirm you will be withdrawing SEND support for my child due to issues surrounding her mental health?' and pose with pen ready to write their reply down.

Then follow up with an email.

E.g. Hi School,
Thank you for meeting about DD. I'm so glad we all are on the same page about wanting her to achieve.
Moving forwards, I'll do x y z and school are doing x y z.
There were some issues surrounding SEND support. Can i just confirm that her day to day SEND support is in no way tied to attendance as there seemed to be some suggestion that this support might be removed.'

Keep calm and don't be afraid to say 'Can I just clarify that...'

Hmm sounds like a good stock phrase would be ‘I think medical professionals distinguish between ‘can’t be bothered’ and ‘anxiety attack’ these days, I would think schools are expected to understand this just as workplaces are.’ Re the teacher saying ‘can’t be bothered’.

Counter any jibes about choosing not to attend by pointing out that your dd is not seeing it as a choice and that it's not a case of not being bothered but that she is held back by feelings of fear and panic.

Thank you so much everyone, I so much appreciate your great advice. I'm making a list of important points to make in the meeting and also reminders for myself to keep calm and detached.

I was so shocked at the last meeting by the seeming change in attitude that I let a few issues pass unchallenged. When I got home and thought about it I realised that what they were effectively saying was that dd's learning supports would be removed due to her mental health issues, which surely cannot be legal. If she had a physical illness which caused her to miss school would the threat be the same?

I feel much better armed now for this meeting so that you all for taking the time to contribute