To be so anxious about this child coming round.

[Dippytoast]

A relative has recently moved back to my home town. I do like her, she's a very kind and generous person, but I find it hard having her in my house.

The thing is, she has a habit of "dropping by". I don't mind this too much, because it's par for the course within my family and in this area.

However she brings her toddler DD with her. I have one DS who is ten, so I am not used to small children any more. My relative will let her DD roam around my house while she has a chat. Her DD, being a toddler, naturally lifts things, drops them, slams doors, bangs on the fish tank, pulls things out of cupboards. My relative seems to not acknowledge any of this. I have taken to running round after her DD in an effort to stop her wrecking my house and it's exhausting.

I don't know if this is to be expected with small children. I used to bring a little back pack with cars and books for DS and I would have told him no/removed him from other people's bedrooms/removed any items he may have picked up. So far the DD has damaged and broken quite a few of my things and has scribbled on walls. My relative ignores her child for the entire visit and does not seem to realise that the child has ventured upstairs, in the bathroom etc. My house is no longer baby friendly and I also worry that the little girl will end up drinking bleach or something.

Today they arrived again, and this time the child smashed my hoover against the door, chased my cat, and pulled all of the books out of my bookcase. I tried to distract her and make a game of "let's put them back". She also got hold of one of my DS's toys and threw a tantrum when asked to give it back. I don't think my relative was very pleased, I thibk she expected DS to offer her DD the toy.

So as not to drip feed, both DS and I have Asperger's and I have anxiety. My ability to function is very much dependant on having my own space. My house is not fancy, and i am not some sort of hygiene freak, but I like my things where they are. DS is the same. I have had other children round to visit over the last ten years, but none has caused this level of anxiety. I am on edge the entire time they visit, and for hours afterwards. For instance, even now I am on edge, snappy with DS, and generally feeling out of sorts.

My relative is very "treat my home as your own" but that just isn't how I do things and I find it really unsettling.

I'm not sure how to handle this without falling out with my relative, which I don't want to do. I understand that I am probably being uptight and impatient but I am really really struggling with this, and I feel so bad to the point of tears because I want to be welcoming to guests, but I can't deal with this sort of thing

Agree with PPs. Normal toddler behaviour to want to do all of those things. Not acceptable parent behaviour to let them. We bought a travel safety gate for MILs house (staircase off the front room) which tucks away behind the sofa, against the wall when not in use. It means we can still relax a little and chat to MIL, DS can still roam and play to a point, but MIL's house doesn't get trashed, and we know DS can't run freely through the house. Not in her way when we're not there, and didn't cost her anything. It's not difficult to be courteous in other people's homes.

Your relative must be deliberately oblivious if she hasn’t taken into account that your toddler proofing days are long over - the joy of not having to have everything out of reach, or padded or protected from lethally enquiring little fingers !

You are not being overcontrolling at all - most people would be aghast at a visiting child being allowed to open or kick doors (!) without restraint by the parent/carer and I don’t think I am alone in agreeing with keeping food consumption in the house to agreed places.

She's out of order. I have a two year old is who is curious/wants to touch everything and go everywhere. She is not allowed to do so in other people's homes! Most people we visit have small ones too so not so much of an issue as they're pretty baby proof but even there I won't allow her to scribble on or break/kick/hit/throw things!

In a house where adults or only older children live I'm on her like a hawk! I take a bag of toys/books/felt pens which only work on certain special paper (a godsend!) with me and keep her entertained during the visit.

Lazy parenting from her, pure and simple. Your home your rules, tell her that she needs to keep a hold of her child and make sure she behaves. The toddler is little more than a big baby at this age, her mum needs to teach some boundaries and respect for other people's belongings.

Sounds like my sil.

In the end, if they arrived, I just told the child he either had to stay in the room with us or play outside. I also had my kids on high alert in case he tried to sneak back in to the house.

If he was in the room with us, I had no qualms about correcting his behaviour as neither his mother nor father would, or if they did, it was very half-hearted and not enforced.

I would just be honest with her, maybe send her a text if face to face is too much? Explain you’re having anxiety, your house isn’t toddler proof etc. So would like to meet up elsewhere.

Or you could just politely say next time she comes round that you’d like some notice before she turns up as you’d like to make sure anything valuable is tidied away. Or just ask if she can keep toddler in the same room you’re in with a box of toys and not explore the rest of the house.

She should be parenting. I wouldn’t let my 1 year old out my sight in anyone’s house, especially one that isn’t toddler proofed.

These type of parents don't get invited in to mine again.

I actually think you are very sensible and aware of the hazards around your hime to a toddler. Your house is not baby proofed nor does it need to be as you don’t have one. I have a toddler and an autistic 6 year old (more Aspergers but it’s not termed that now). There is no way I would allow my toddler to wander all over my own house unattended let alone someone else’s. I also factor in my older child needs his own safe space so try give him that. I think your relative is incredibly lazy as a parent and needs told you will not allow her child to destroy your home.

Stock up on some phrases like
"Oh can you just get her We dont allow kicking./hitting doors here"
"Oh dear she seems bored can you just get her to stop pulling the books down we do not permit that here"
"Oops that toy is not one for a x year old here you go have a look here I will give DS his big toy back" look at mum " can you just take her back to the toy box"
etc etc keep batting it back to mum

This is why my ILs kids aren't allowed in our house anymore. If they want to see us we go to them now. The day we moved in DN pulled every single rose off all around the garden and then stamped on them, they also used to climb all over the sofa and run around screaming. We don't answer the door any more

Sorry also to add I am really shocked this child has kicked your doors and drawn in walls my own kids wouldn’t even do that in there home. Also your not OTT about your home it’s your home and your safe space so needs respected.

Thank you all so much - it's such a relief to know I'm not being rigid and unfair about this.
It's tricky because this relative comes from a branch of the family where children very much rule the roost - they are loved and cherished, and very well cared for, but rules around bedtimes, food, screen time etc just don't exist. When I have had to give DS a bit of a telling off in their presence (nothing major, but the usual "don't snatch, wait your turn, that isn't very polite behaviour") they tut and say things like "leave him alone, he's only a child". For example, I have taught DS to ask politely for a drink or to use the toilet when he is in someone's house, but my relative thinks this is madness and DS should just help himself in her house, as any visitor would be expected to do. So I genuinely don't think she's being malicious (though perhaps a bit lazy) when she allows her DD to roam around my house. But I can't deal with that. I find it very hard to negotiate around this side of the family and their lack of rules in general, but they are generous to a fault and mean well. They know I am on the spectrum, but associate it with my role as the family bookworm and I don't think they realise it is much more than that.

I think I will try the following

• the baby box
• the stock phrases regarding how baby unfriendly my house is/talking "through" the child/we don't kick doors etc
• suggesting we go out instead if they appear at the door
• locking the door and hiding

I think a combination of these will work very well. I'm reluctant to challenge the behaviour head on, because I'll no doubt get it wrong and sound rude, or I'll inadvertently hurt my relative, which I don't want to do. I think a combination of the above will do a lot to help the situation, more than my current tactics of following the child round and trying to steer her away from things /sitting frozen on the sofa in a cold sweat, waiting for them to leave

YANBU. My own children weren't allowed to do all that in my house never mind someone else's kid/s.

I would be very frank with her. The children are not the problem, it's her. These are your rules, and kids need boundaries. Suggest her house, going out. I would not be able to have them in my house.

I think you need to be very firm with th dc when talking 'through' her.....and perhaps directly tell your friend to stop her child doing xyz.

i know you don't want to upset her..........but you need to remember she doesn't give two shits about your feelings.
she knows other people have their own rules, she knows she's in someone elses house-she just doesn't care or have enough respect for you.

maybe being 'rude/upsetting' her once will open her eyes?
Or tell her to call if she wants to visit......or fake being busy/just about to go out etc if she decides to 'pop by' without calling