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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that I couldn't get it right here?

7 replies

LisaSimpsonsbff · 27/05/2018 18:43

I'm 7.5 months pregnant. Today we met up with a friend of DH's, her husband and their six month old. They've just moved to our area (but DH has known her a long time) so I've only met her once before, long before either of us were pregnant. She had a horrendous, horrendous pregnancy - hyperemesis, with regular hospitalisation. My pregnancy has been pretty physically easy so far (it's not been entirely great psychologically for various reasons, but that's not something I really talk about in real life). As soon as she arrived she asked how I was feeling so I said 'oh, I'm fine' and she seemed pissed off by that, and repeated it back incredulously. This continued throughout the day - it was almost like she felt I was constantly rubbing how well I am and how much I can do in pregnancy in her face - so when I produced quite an elaborate lunch she made a big deal about how she couldn't have done that while pregnant (to which I said 'but you were seriously ill and I'm not!' - which I thought was the right thing to say but clearly wasn't), etc. She talked a lot about pregnancy and babies but I felt I was constantly making her more upset/pissed off - I imagine she feels she missed out on a happy pregnancy experience and I have lots of sympathy for that. But I felt like there was no right way - she seemed really bothered by the idea that my pregnancy has been trouble-free, and I would guess she thought I was being smug, but it would surely be even more annoying if I'd started harping on/moaning about the few physical issues I have had as if they were in any way comparable to the completely miserable nine months she had? So, 1) AIBU to think that there wasn't really any way for me to get it right here? and 2) if I'm BU please help me to figure out a better way to handle it for when we next meet up!

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 27/05/2018 18:44

Next time talk about your horrendous haemorrhoids..... Grin

OverTheHedgeHammy · 27/05/2018 18:47

Something along the lines of 'goodness me, being pregnant is hard enough on it's own, I just couldn't imagine being as sick as you were as well. It must have been hell for you.'

But if someone has a chip in their shoulders then i'm afraid there's little you can do 'right'.

Daddystepdaddy · 27/05/2018 18:52

Sounds like she arrived with a cob on and was determined to let you know about it. A very ungracious guest regardless of what she has been through. I'd suggest to DH that he doesn't extend the invitation again at least until you have seen evidence that she has become more reasonable.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 27/05/2018 20:12

To be clear, I don't dislike her, and I don't think she was trying to be nasty - I imagine her telling of the story would be that I was smugly wafting around in my non-vomiting glory!

OP posts:
Barbaro · 27/05/2018 20:16

I'm going to guess she'd had a bad journey or bad morning and unfortunately you got the brunt of it.

Maybe in a few days send her a text or something saying that you hope she realises you weren't trying to be smug about your pregnancy. She might apologise then for the rudeness.

Jenala · 27/05/2018 20:21

I don't think you could have done much differently. Your response about her being ill sounds absolutely fine.

If her baby is 6 months it's still very fresh for her and you're probably right that she feels she missed out. Also when you're very sick when your pregnant (I was never so bad to be hospitalised but threw up daily throughout both pregnancies) you do sometimes feel (probably I was paranoid) that other people think you are exaggerating/making a fuss, so maybe she feels this weird sense that you are somehow handling pregnancy better than her (even though of course rationally you're just having different experiences).

I had a difficult first birth and it wasn't the beautiful image I had in my head. I know of course that it never is! But when DS1 was about 6m old I remember a friend of DHs saying how his wife barely realised she was in labour but popped to the hospital in case and 2 hours later their first baby arrived in the pool, no pain relief, no stitches, it was so magical. I was surprised I felt SO upset and like I'd failed at giving birth!! Ridiculous but there was still some emotion there. Perhaps it's similar for her.

She could have managed it better though! Definitely a no win situation for you.

TitZillas · 27/05/2018 20:24

Oh for goodness sake, how rude of her! People have lots of different sorts of experiences with pregnancy - and in every other aspect of life! My eldest DD has SEN and is very challenging in many ways - it doesn’t mean that I criticise and moan at other friends of mine with NT children, because theirs can be left to babysit, or can cook a meal, or can walk to the shop alone - none of which my DD can!

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